Random Thoughts 38

The Law

2012-02-10T11:26:00.000-08:00

I don't love God or my neighbor nearly enough and I need Jesus. I was thinking about the law this week and reading some of the Old Testament verses about the law and realized that there was no way I could even keep the one, best law. This especially became evident as I came home last night and immediately got after my kids about stuff they had not done...stuff I had not asked them to do...stuff I thought they should just see and do. Crazy. I hate it when people do that to me but here I am doing it to them without so much as a hello and how was your day. We talked later about how overwhelmed I have felt lately and how sick I have been and how I have felt the events of the recent past have hit me once again and they were gracious to forgive me. But I thought about how impossible it all is, to love like Jesus does. And after we get through treating our with love our neighbors and family we are instructed in the New Testament to love our enemies. Now, I don't have the kind of enemies that are out to destroy me, but if I did Jesus would say to love them. You see, the law is a mirror. It reflects to us our problem, our condition, our need, and our death. The law is good because it shows us reality. And the reality is that I cannot keep even the 1 law, let alone the hundreds of laws that make up the Old Testament law. In Mark 10:26 the disciples, upon hearing how difficult it would be for a rich man to be saved ask a question, "Who then can be saved?" And it is in Jesus answer that I understand...it is impossible, only God can do it. The point of the law and the gospel and my bad moods is that keeping the law and being saved by keeping it is impossible, but grace, salvation by God alone is what God did for us sacrificing His Son on the cross. Everything is possible with God.

Life Struggles

2012-01-15T21:52:00.000-08:00

I have been going through a writing drought. It is not so much that I can't write. It's more that I want my heart and attitude to be pleasing to the Lord before I write. I have been struggling to let go of some things. It is like if I let them go that it means they never happened and that the whole struggle was meaningless. I know that makes very little sense. One of the difficulties of finding the joy of the Lord and being able to let go of past events and sorrows, at least for me, is that I don't want to give up my hurts, sorrows, struggles. I sometimes nurse them, think about how rough its been. In order to receive joy I have to be willing to let go of all of that and get God's perspective. The past couple weeks I have been working on forgiveness. Every time I catch myself nursing a past hurt or offense I have been stopping and forgiving whoever it was that hurt me. If I catch myself reliving a partcularly bad part of my life I have been consciously stopping and thanking God for whatever good He is working through that circumstance. When I find myself discouraged and depressed by what I see is a struggle in my present circumstances I am stopping to thank God for leading me and asking Him to make things clear in His time. When someone in the present is bugging me in the present I stop to pray God's blessing on them and ask God in the moment to help me see them as He does. I really hate it. I really would like to sometimes just wallow in some self pity. I think I've shared before how prone to it I am. It is such a temptation to live in past disappointments. You think it will guard you against future pain but instead you live in constant pain. I can tell you my plan is working. I feel free when I forgive people. I feel joy when I give up a past hurt. I love better when I pray for others. I hope it soon comes naturally to me. I hope that one day I won't desire to feel sorry for myself. Until that happens I will take the steps I can to discipline my way into the joy of the Lord. I should want that joy more than anything. Someday I know that I will.

Men, Shopping, and Check-out Lines

2011-12-22T17:11:00.000-08:00

The men are out. I mean in the stores. You know, shopping. I know this because I went shopping myself today which was relatively stupid and hazardous. Men shop differently than women do. I overheard one conversation between a man and probably his ex-wife on the telephone. The man wanted to know what to get the kids and he was a bit impatient. "What do you mean by coloring stuff? What is coloring stuff anyway?" and "It's not like it's early or anything. There isn't much left. Just tell me something I can grab." I observed one man grabbing several pillow pets telling his friend, "These will work. Who doesn't want a pillow?" Still others were grabbing perfume sets, bath sets, and scarves. And I mean grabbing. I know I am stereotyping but I didn't see a whole lot of time and care taken. They were men on a mission. For some reason seeing them brightened my day. I know most men don't love shopping and most women do. I say most because I hate shopping and I have met men who love it. But what I love is that they do it anyway. It may be annoying and they may hate it and for all I know what they bought might have been inappropriate or wonderful, hard to say, but they do it. I still remember the snow cone maker that Bill got me. Totally not my idea of a gift and I let him know it but to this day it stands out and it is a memory. It is only when we give nothing that we receive nothing. A memory of a dad or husband trying is better than a memory of a dad or husband giving up or not caring. So it was good to see all those men in the stores. And all of the women. And I don't mind that every person ahead of me in line had an item that would not ring up...or that it took forever to find out how to ring up a bath scrubby thing...or that I spent almost as much time in line as I did in the store. I don't mind because I think it's the checker who is going to go crazy. He had to stay and I got to leave. Merry last few days of shopping to all!

Holiday Hallmark Redemption

2011-11-28T20:40:00.000-08:00

I live in a house with three other adult women and it is amazing that nobody has been arrested for assault as of yet. We all have quirks and drive each other completely crazy and Thanksgiving was no exception. Thursday went great. We decorated the house, ate pretty good food, and watched cheesy parades, Christmas specials, and a little football. It was a holiday so we treated each other well. But it was a long weekend and soon we started driving each other crazy. And I think I am probably the most crazy of all. It's like all of those cheesy holiday movies. You know...how they are all, in one way or another about redemption. You may be watching it for the cheesy love story but there is always a good dose of redemption in all of the good ones. That is because we are all so full of hunger and longing for redemption. When I met Jesus I was completely redeemed...and nothing will change that. But I am still in need of and long for redemption...Just like how as the weekend got longer we found ourselves finding it more difficult to be kind to each other. How we are all bound up in this living of our lives as redeemed in a world that is not. For example, I struggle to get over the past...to rid myself of habits I know are wrong. There are events in my life that still don't make sense and people I am still working to forgive. I fight this fog of sorrow that surrounds me...knowing that I should have the joy of the Lord... I need redemption...from the habits that plague my life...from the sin that so easily weighs me down...from past sorrows I need to forgive...for my lack of trust in what God has for me and my disappointment that the plans I had made for my life will never be. And my kids are no different. They need and long for their own redemption...because life never gets tied up as neatly as a Hallmark movie...but that is why I love those movies. They give me hope and remind me that God Himself will wipe away all of the tears from my eyes one day and I will rest in the place He has prepared especially for me. Until that day it is a struggle...there are moments of joy and times of intense sorrow...but God is present with me. There are moments, when living in a household consisting of four adult women that I long for escape and think that I am the only sane person in the house...only to realize that it is me that is not only part of the problem, but most of it. God always puts us in the best situation for redemption and this is where He has me. Soon we will be adding a baby to the mix and I can only imagine the lessons we will all learn! Redemption is both a one time deal and a lifetime learning experience. I just sometimes wish my life would more resemble a cheesy Christmas movie and not a string of energizer bunny struggles that just keep going and going and going. But there is coming a day...soon.

Giving my all...and then some

2011-11-08T22:39:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking alot about this past weeks sermon. As has happened quite frequently lately there was much in it that God wanted to speak to me about. Pastor Sean talked about giving our all and then some, how good enough is never good enough and half efforts end in death. Sometimes I "do" a lot but still don't give my all. This past period of time in my life has been hard, disappointing, difficult to reconcile with what I wanted for my life. Sometimes hard to see God in. God has tested me in the deepest parts of my life, tested whether I honestly believe that He is enough, tested me to see if I will trust Him, even with all of my regrets. And to be honest, it's been hard. Sometimes the stuff I do is because I have no idea what I would do or who I would be if I wasn't busy. It isn't that I don't want or love serving God. I do love it. But I have noticed that there have been times lately when I am irritable, when I am so weighed down with what I have done wrong in my life that I cannot see beyond that. When I am so full of regrets that I cannot enjoy the present or see God in it. There are parts of my life that I cannot see any good resulting from and parts that I struggle to trust God to make a difference in. And that is where I am not giving my all and then some. I can "do" lots of things but God cares more about relationship than all of the stuff I do or anything I can give Him. In the "doing" of serving God all is well, in the "doing" part of relationship - praying, reading the Word, all is well, but I need to start giving my all in the "trusting," in the believing that He will take all of the disappointments, all of the sorrow, all of my regrets, all of my failures...that He will make them part of the beauty He is creating out of us who call on His name. I love Him so much. I want to give all of my all and then some, and then more besides.

Thoughts on the Road

2011-10-14T14:45:00.000-07:00

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:18-19

"Because we loved you so much, we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well." Thessalonians 2:8

I have been a bit discouraged of late. I so long to see people catch the vision and reality that we were born to serve the Lord and to connect people to Him. I long to see people saved and lining up to come to church, serve their neighbors, and love those around them. I am so spoiled. I get to serve God in the best possible place and work for the best possible people. I am of all people most blessed and so much of the time I am so caught up in my "life" that I fail to appreciate it. Today as I was in the car I felt suddenly moved to turn the radio off and concentrate on praying for everyone who came to mind. And it hit me as it so often does when I quiet the Cyndi and listen to God that I need to pray...so much more constantly and with much more urgency than I have been. I have felt the urgency of late, felt the deep longing for others to see the God I love and serve, but I have still been living life in the normal. I can't do the same things all of the time and expect different results. I have to get more serious, allow the Holy Spirit more access to my schedule, allow myself to be moved, and be open to any change. I have allowed myself to think small; I have not believed that God will make a way in this wasteland of life. I often believe I have given my life but there is so much of my "life" that I cling to and keep. I have allowed myself to believe in being "good enough" when God wants greater. I so long for all of you to know that God is the most important relationship in your life and that His work is the greatest work that You will ever do. I hope this urgency grows in me. I hope it is not some passing moment. I do not want to be content to live my life as I always have but to love more, give more, serve more, and grow more in Him. I want to live my life every day expecting that people are going to come to Christ, what I do will make a difference, and that God never stops saving and growing His people.

Twitter Venting

2011-10-13T18:25:00.000-07:00

There is so much I miss about my husband that if I would have been asked to make a list would not have come to mind. Besides strong hugs (if I hug you a little too hard when I see you please don't run away!), I miss venting. I miss how Bill listened to me, all those little things that nobody else (trust me) wants to hear. There are many things that I just don't want to talk to my kids about (half the time I am venting about them). I know I can tell God (and I do) but I miss the human interaction. I tried twittering my frustrations but that has its problems. I thought it was safe since most people I know don't twitter, but my boss does and since I am mostly either frustrated about my kids or it is work related (I have very little life), that didn't work very well. And it didn't have that human interaction thing going very well either. I knew Facebook would not work. I mean, most of what I vent is just that, venting. It is usually my problem or isn't meant to be public. I mean, when Bill came home from work I would just hit him with all of the stuff that went on in the day and all of the stuff that was bugging me or I was struggling with. All those things nobody wants to hear. But he would listen. It used to bug me that he had no answers. But he listened. And I listened to him. And I miss that. I tell God everything and I know He loves me and He listens. But today I thanked Him for a husband who listened to me vent. If you have someone who listens to you when you are upset or struggling or have just had a bad day tell them thank you. I wish I had.

Meditations and Thoughts

2011-10-12T15:56:00.000-07:00

On Monday, while I was praying before leaving for the day, I thought of the verse from Psalm 19, verse 14 , "Let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable Oh Lord." I thought God was reminding me to be careful when I speak, something which I am trying to learn but still need to work on, so I put it into my prayer. God often uses speaking His Word aloud to get my attention. This time, as I spoke those words I realized it was the second part that God wanted to speak into my life. You see, I often let my heart and mind dwell on past hurts and offenses, frustrations, trials that I am going through, and other negativity. As I spoke the words aloud they hit me like a ton of bricks and they have been my meditation all week. You see, I don't think I move forward very well or grow as I should when I am negative. I don't think it much matters how much I read my Bible or pray or fast or do great works if my mind dwells on the past and on the negative. As God often does I have been tested in my resolve to put this Word into practice. The negatives of life have attacked and I have been sorely tempted to sink into them but I will not. I will not. When I feel myself slipping I repent and pray about whatever is causing me to want to sink. I picture God being powerful in situations that I feel are hopeless. I believe that He is changing lives that I feel will never change. There is a power in our thoughts that I have been guilty of minimizing. Our thoughts can strengthen our image our relationship with and our image of or they can diminish them. It is our choice what we dwell on. Let us choose that which is acceptable to God and life-giving to us.

Random Thoughts

2011-10-01T18:43:00.000-07:00

Sometimes my mind runs so fast and with so many subjects that it is hard to focus on just one. This post is just a mental download of thoughts that have been streaming through my head of late. They reflect my recent experiences and are a picture of what God does with all the stuff that happens with us each week. What has been running through your mind? These are some of the things that have been running through mine.

· I love my girls, each one, ones that are mine by birth and the ones God gave me as gifts. I struggle in my prayers for them, knowing that if they do not seek God alone they will be enormously disappointed by life but so wanting them to skip pain and struggle and heartache. I want them to get what God wants them to get without having to go through the lessons. Not possible, I know.

· Lately I have been wondering where the good in certain things are. God promises us that good will come out of all the stuff we have gone through if we are His and I have been pondering that. Some things don’t seem as though they can contain good or bring it.

· Sushi is so much more than raw fish. I liked it and am already trying to figure out how I can get out for some more. Not something my girls will be into that is for certain.

· I read today that 70% of pastors constantly fight depression. 50% are so discouraged they want to leave the ministry. 80% believe that ministry negatively affects their family. I pray multiple times daily for the pastor’s at my church. As you pray for your pastor, make sure you are in the battle with him and that you are for him.

· Housework has taken last place on my to-do list for awhile. So glad my girls have taken up the slack.

· Why is it that the change of seasons makes me feel like I need to buy new clothes? Or preferably a new purse?

· Speaking of the change of seasons, I am dreading having to build fires in the woodstove. I was never good at it.

· I want so much to do what God wants and every day I start out thinking that today I will get it right; my flesh will not creep in, I won’t eat too much, criticize, call myself names, feel sorry for myself…and then…oh well – the righteous fail and get right back up and so will I.

· I will never ever not need God’s mercy.

· Even when I get it right my motives are often self-seeking and prideful. Which shows me how seldom I get anything completely right. God has to use my imperfect offerings because I so seldom offer Him anything else.

· Inspiration comes from the most unusual places. I got lost in a mall (I know that sounds crazy) this week and it has inspired me to see the lost in a whole new way. I have been praying more and asking God how I can better represent Him. Almost everyone you see is lost. Being lost is scary. Jesus came to seek and save the lost and his chosen vehicle is me. Have known that but seeing it more clearly.

· Want to love more and love better. Especially at home. Especially at church. Especially the ones that are hard to love. Especially when I am with unbelievers.

A Tire Story

2011-09-20T20:01:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in awhile but trust me, I have been in such a place you would not want to have heard from me. But today was a red letter day. I knew things were looking up when I had a visit from my favorite kids at the office. They always lift my spirits! A trip to Leavenworth the day before had also brightened my mood. That joy was temporarily threatened when I went out to my car and noticed that my tire was low. Now, don't laugh at me! I know it's a small thing but I have never put air in my tires! Thats right, NEVER! This one tire has been getting low about every five days and I have been sending my kids and anyone around to go and air it up. I know I need to visit Les Schwab but have put it off. When I saw the tire today I knew I was in trouble. No kids around. No time to visit Les Schwab until Friday. I knew that it was up to me. So I dug up quarters, went to the gas station, got down on the ground, and aired up that tire. Felt pretty good! You see, it is those small things like airing up the tire that make me feel most abandoned since Bill has died. Now, my kids have been fabulous at helping me with all of the things that I have never done. But it is those very things that you don't know how to do that make you feel alone and I have spent a week feeling alone and abandoned. There is something about having a week of nothing but struggle and no one to share it with. A week of feeling crazy and mad for no good reason. A week of air being out of tires, and ants that won't go away, and making my children miserable. A week of feeling old and like my life is all behind me. A week of feeling like I have lost the voice of God and it will never return. I won't pretend that I am all better. I am still feeling shaky and on the verge of losing it but in the past couple days it has definitely been better. God was with me today and we aired up my tire!

Anniversary

2011-08-10T22:36:00.000-07:00

So I was going to totally ignore it. It is the second time and so I should be used to it. I was determined to not think about it and not let it phase me. My anniversary. Of course, when you decide to ignore something it is impossible. I was feeling sad and lots of other conflicting feelings. Like He always is, God was there. Sometimes I like to wallow and feel sorry for myself. There, I admitted it, which does not make it any better. I confessed it to God the other night and told Him I was going to refuse to go to that wallowing place anymore. It is not God honoring and it is a horrible witness when He is so good to me. But then my anniversary happened. And I started to be sad. But God helped me. First there was breakfast with Karly. At the office I was tempted by sadness. You can feel a bit alone in there. But then God sent Debbie, and Noah and Lillie to bring sunshine to my day. How can you be sad when they visit you? And then Betty and Teresa stopped by just to visit. And then I went to a fabulous movie with my kids. I got very little done. And I had some sad thoughts. And my mood wasn't the best. But I did not wallow. And I am so grateful. Thank you God!

Project Runway

2011-08-05T12:18:00.001-07:00

I love the show Project Runway. It totally fascinates me. Like last night. They went to a pet supply store and had to create clothing out of pet supplies; trying not to use fabric from things like doggy outfits and dog beds etc. In otherwords, take something that is to be used for one thing and use it for something entirely different. Taking most of the designers out of their comfort zone. Some of my most profitable times with God have been when God takes me out of my comfort zone. Now, there are times it is a disaster; like when I try to do anything artistic. Lets face it, I don't even move furniture around or hang pictures on the walls. But there have been days that God has called me to be creative with varying degrees of success lol. He teaches me to rely on Him outside of my comfortable box. To be honest my comfort zone is not all that comfortable. I am not a people person and often shrink from forming relationships. But that is not comfortable. Often, it is just lonely. So I force myself into situations that would not be my choice and find the peace of God for He never meant us to live in isolation. You see our comfort zone is not necessarily the place God made us to dwell in. If it were the Children of Israel would never have made it to the promised land, Abraham would have stayed put, and Jesus would never have left heaven. My calling and yours is to connect people to God and help them grow in that relationship. While we operate in different ways to fulfill this calling I can guarantee that this calling will take each of us out of our comfort zone and push us to operate both in our giftings and outside of them, both in our comfortable spot and outside of it. God always puts us in a place where we have to rely on Him to accomplish what only He can within the context of the life He has given us. Because only the Spirit of God can draw a sinner to God. We are His instruments chosen to say yes to Him in the context of the opportunities He presents to us. Just like on last nights Project Runway a designer way able to make a dress out of birdseed our God is able to take us outside of the box we live in and use us to bring life. Pretty amazing.

Would Jesus have Read Twilight?

2011-07-27T21:27:00.000-07:00

Don't you love the title? Nice and provocative; the type of discussion that could end friendships, place people in "camps" or "sides;" make all of us judge each other. I can only sort of answer the question here. I tend to think that most 30 something males don't read Twilight. Just a guess. But what this question means to me is, "Is it right for a Christian to read Twilight?" and that question I will not answer simply because it divides, judges, and is incredibly small. I may have an opinion; in fact I do; actually I have an opinion on most everything. But my opinion is not important. As far as I know there is no hidden verse in the Bible that elevates my opinion to any great importance. What is important to me is how believers, myself included, make decisions. The Word of God says that "whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." (1 Cor. 10:31) I think that most all of our decisions matter. My mind has been focused on a question this week that is related to this. Can God tell me no? I mean I know He can, but would I hear Him if He did? Do I think my own opinion is of such great worth that I trust it? Do I think that because I read my Bible daily that I can trust what I think? Sometimes I trivialize praying about things. I believe too often that if what I am about to do is good or God honoring I can skip the asking part. I can't. Sometimes a good thing isn't the best thing to do right now or maybe it is not mine to do right now. And then there are the other decisions we make, what to read, watch, see, do; those "Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment." (Prov. 18:1). When we isolate ourselves from seeking what God thinks about our actions we do not have sound judgment. It may not seem to make a big difference in our lives but any decision that is not God honoring takes us a little further away from God. This post is meant to be about decision making, not about Twilight or any other book or movie out there. I used the analogy because I was recently asked the question and have been pondering the topic ever since. Do you allow God into all of your decision making or just the Spiritual ones or the ones you don't care so much about? Have you forgotten lately to ask God about what He thinks you should be doing? Can God tell you no? Would you actually hear Him? Those are the questions I have been asking myself lately and the answers are already changing what I am asking Him and I am taking a little more space to hear God before I act. I am glad I was asked the question. Even if I won't answer it.

Another Life Challenge

2011-07-07T22:33:00.000-07:00

“‘After this I will return and rebuild David’s fallen tent. Its ruins I will rebuild, and I will restore it,
that the rest of mankind may seek the Lord, even all the Gentiles who bear my name, says the Lord, who does these things-things known from long ago." Acts 15:16

While reading this verse this morning I thought of the time of life I have been going through. Some of you may know and some of you may not but I am going to be a Grandma. It is not coming the way I would have chosen and I am being challenged once again in how I walk this walk with Christ that I am on. I love my daughter deeply and my heart hurts for her. But I am finding that my heart hurts for me and I am learning just how full of pride I am and I hate it. You start out this walk and you want everything to go perfectly. You think that you will make all these good choices and that you will love your children and be there for them and God will honor it and it will all go well.

Of course, that is only what you think will happen. The truth is that you will love them so much it hurts but you also will make so many mistakes that you will wonder how God can honor your efforts. They will push your buttons and you will get angry with them and say the wrong things and then wonder how you will make it. But you still think that they will watch you love and serve God. You think that because you gave them boundaries and you gave them fun that it will be enough. You think that because they asked Jesus into their hearts at camp or church when they are young that it is enough. You think that because you prayed for them and with them and took them to church every time the door was open it will keep them from wandering and it will be enough. But it isn't always. You can't make your children go the way you want them to and make the decisions you want them to and the time comes far too soon when you cannot even protect and discipline them.

My Melody has gone through a lot in her few years and she bears a few of lifes scars. She came to a point where she told me she wasn't sure where she was with God and it is in that uncertain place that she got into trouble. It is hard to watch your child struggle and I have prayed and fasted much this past year for my girl. Getting pregnant was and is a hard thing to walk through, for her and for our family. We are learning who we are as believers. I have to be honest. This, combined with some other stuff has made me question so much of my life. I have felt like a failure and also like I lost the favor of God. I have struggled with pride, always wanting my life to reflect my committment to God I have been sure that I have let God down and like I have let all of those around me down. Now, I know all of the right answers to that way of thinking. I have spoken them. But it is easier to speak truth than to walk through that truth.

We are walking through this together, as a family, as we should. We are learning our way through something most of us never thought would happen to us. I am ashamed at all of the things that I foolishly thought would only happen to other people. Pride again. Melody is doing better with God but she and I covet your prayers. It is not an easy road. I am feeling exhausted and sad instead of excitement and I know that Melody is uncertain and afraid of the road that lies ahead. I asked Melody if I could write this and she graciously allowed it. For whatever reason writing helps me make sense of my life and I could use some sense at this moment. Please pray for us when you think about us. Pray that God will give me wisdom as I speak to my daughter and walk through this. Pray that God will reveal Himself to Melody in a way that makes sense to her so that she will lean upon Him. Pray that He will give us rest and peace and joy in the midst of this challenge. Pray that God will use this for His glory. Pray that God will bring life out of what the enemy thinks of as ruin. I am so thankful to serve the God that rebuilds that which is torn and repairs that which is broken.

A Trip to the Mall

2011-06-28T23:16:00.000-07:00

By nature I am a glass half empty kind of person. I don't mean to be but for some reason I can find the dark cloud behind every silver lining. On Monday the office went on a field trip to the mall and it was very mind opening or expanding or whatever one should call it. I would have questioned whether one could learn much about the church or about walking with God from a simple trip to the mall but as often happens I would have been wrong. My glass half-empty mentality does not speak of faith nor does it draw people to God. Too often, on a Sunday morning I hide from people instead of welcoming them. On the very morning when I always get to have company at the house (house of God), I too often am moody, tired, or I just plain revert to my natural tendency to be an introvert. It is the morning when I most often feel the greatest sense of loss as well as shame. But I need to get past it because Jesus died and rose so I don't have to be bound by those feelings. I felt so challenged by that simple trip and went home and had a long talk with God about my attitude. Of course, then my computer at work crashed, catastrophically; not one of those minor crashes and I got caught up in some other stuff and down went my attitude. I feel like I have been challenged to walk by faith. I feel like I have been confronted with just how often I don't. I feel that little fear I sometimes get when I fear I won't ever get it right. Glass half-empty; that's me. I think I will try for glass only quarter-empty soon. And another trip to the mall, this time to actually shop!

A Year

2011-06-15T17:49:00.001-07:00

This past year since Bill's passing and the one before it have been very instructional for me. Instructional in a most uncomfortable way. There is a part of me that wants to say that it is good to be stripped of everything you know and are comfortable with and be faced with who you are without all those props but I can't say that. What I can say is that I still believe that God is good and I am not. I am even more sure that I am not good and in fact much of my outside facade was based on the comfortable props I had all around me. At this moment I feel very much out of control and in that feeling I am learning how very much I did like control and did feel in control of my existence. I would have told you and argued that it wasn't true, that I relished God's control of my life but it isn't true. I find myself wanting to control the lives of those around me, fearful that they will make a mistake and I will have to go through more loss. A little bit crazy I know. I am just now learning the painful process of letting go and watching others make mistakes without needing to rush in and try and make things better or right. I am also learning just how full of pride I am. I don't want to have my failures paraded in front of me and yet lately it seems that all I see is failure. My heart has felt so broken this year as I have reflected on the past and gone through some trials in the present and I have felt very much vulnerable and on the edge and I hate it. While I used to relish writing and putting out my thoughts and so called wisdom I have struggled with it of late. And that is good. It is hard to have your life turned upside down. It is painful to go through loss and see the ones you love make mistakes that you know will have consequences that they cannot fathom. It is hard to look back and see just how arrogant and prideful my life has been and how greatly God is working to get my attention. It is hard to love deeply and have it ripped away. This week marks the first year of life without Bill and it has been one of the most difficult years of my life. I have felt a sense of things being ripped away unfinished and it is hard and more time will need to pass before that changes. Our family is being tested and challenged and I covet your prayers. I came home today feeling weary of life, tired of being "okay" and so needing the peace of God. We will be moving this next week and I am praying that along with a new address that I will have a fresh peace in my heart. All I desire is to be pleasing to God and bring glory to Him. Right now that is not coming easily but I am trusting in Him who said that He will finish what He has begun in my life. I am trusting that His righteousness and mercy covers all of my failures. I am believing in Him who still answers prayer. I know the God that I believe in and I know that He is good and His mercy endures forever.

All that Matters

2011-06-03T20:59:00.001-07:00

He is a mystery. He can’t be figured out, labeled, picked apart or contained. He can’t be analyzed, dissected, picked apart or completely known. We will never fully understand Him, His ways or His decisions. He is God. Bigger than my thoughts. Greater than my understanding. While my life feels like a train wreck, completely out of control, I know that’s untrue, it is completely in His hands. But in those times where everything feels like it has fallen apart and I feel like I cannot breathe it is hard to remember how He holds it all. It is hard to know that at times the greatest of blessings come from the fiercest of trials. I am trusting for the blessing but I am still living in the present. Faith and hope are built on the future. They are the things we believe in the middle of the storm. They are what we cling to in the fire of the present while we await the joy of the future. I hate these times when joy does not come easily and my heart feels broken. But it is in these times I look back. I was lost, alone and lonely. Jesus found me, loved me and saved me. And He will do it for you. I guess that is all that really matters.

Encouragement

2011-05-11T00:29:00.000-07:00

Responding to great trial in a manner that is pleasing to God only can come by clinging more closely to God than the trial seems to weigh upon you. That is what I have been seeing the past couple weeks. Every time I have been tempted to want to give up or give in to discouragement I have instead been drawn back in to God. This has not happened by itself. Lately, in the flesh, I have desperately wanted to just quit or hide. It seems easier to try and avoid the problems by avoiding life. But each time I have come close, God has sent encouragement my way. Just this past Sunday my bosses gave me a gift and compared me to Anna, my favorite woman of the Bible. I don't even come close to being like her but just to have that comparison made lifted my spirits and made me determined to walk through this time of my life. I am also very encouraged by gifts; it is part of how God made me. Their kindness was unexpected and at just the right time. This happens often with me. Of course it is my choice whether to take the encouragement or refuse it. There is a pleasure in self pity and in giving into emotional pain. Even writing that last sentence seems ridiculous but I know from experience it is true and that it is deadly. When I give into my circumstances I doubt the power of God and His wisdom. I conclude that I do not believe that He works all things to my good or worse, I do not care. I say in effect that I refuse to walk the path He has allowed (the paths we are on are not always His perfect will but He uses them still). When I am self-focused my prayers and actions lack power and while I may still believe in God and walk with Him I am of little use. Another encouragement for me has come through making a prayer list of the things I am most concerned about; the things that make me lose sleep and threaten my peace. I put checks when I see improvement in a situation and stars when there is an answer. It has only been a month but I am seeing lots of checks and one star already. As often is the case, there is one prayer concern that has no checks or stars but seeing the others makes me hopeful that they will come soon and keeps me persevering. I still feel shaky and often near the edge but am also encouraged by the faithfulness of God and by His nearness. I believe that "I will see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living" Psalm 27:13 and that God does not leave me alone or comfortless. He is good; He is alive; and He is able to meet us where we are at and answer our deepest needs.

Feeling Cold

2011-04-27T22:24:00.000-07:00

I am struggling. I am tired and weepy and am struggling to feel hopeful and that is not me. It isn't about God. More about me. I am second guessing so many decisions I have made; seeing so many mistakes and failures. It is hard right now to see the light and part of me feels like running away. Of course that is silly; where would I run to? Life cannot be avoided but is to be lived; its good parts as well as the bad. It is at times like these that I am glad I have developed life habits. I am glad that I go to the Word every day. I am glad that I have tried the Lord and found Him faithful. I am glad that I start and end each day with prayer and spend much of the middle praying also. I am glad that I have started to fast, in the past year, and that it is now established in my life. Recently I have started reciting truths and promises of God each day I am continuing for they help me see God. For without the Lord I would totally lose heart. Without the Lord I would not feel convinced that I will pull through this space of time. But I know and believe that the Lord is good, that He answers prayer, that His will is never thwarted and that He is on my side. I know that but I am not feeling it at the time. It is good to develop your relationship with God every day because in the day of darkness it is not something you can put on quickly. My mood has been like the weather of late and for the first time ever I am longing for summer. I am feeling cold and both my body and spirit long to be warm. God is good; all the time, this to shall pass.

Rejoice

2011-04-22T00:08:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about Easter today. How easy it is to push to get so many things done that you forget. I took pause for a minute today and made a mental decision, Note to self - Rejoice! It is easy to forget the reason behind all of our activity. It is easy to let other stuff crowd out this most glorious time of our year. I felt myself feeling the push this week. Telling myself, just get through the day. Concentrate on your list. Get everything done. Forgetting the joy. Forgetting that I am set free. Forgetting that the resurrection of Christ is the most significant event that has happened in all of history! I pray that each of you gets a moment to pause and reflect this week. I pray that you all have notes to self that remind you to rejoice. I am excited to see what happens in our services on Good Friday and Easter Sunday this week. I have watched the guys working hard and can't wait to see everything. As a church we have been praying and inviting and planning and now we will see what God does.

Pray without Ceasing

2011-04-15T10:41:00.000-07:00

Today I am filled with both excitement and trepidation. I am going to our churches ladies retreat in Leavenworth. First, the trepidation. Ladies retreats scare me. I have had some bad experiences on the very few I have been on. For years I avoided them. I have also never gone over the past in my adult life when there was a hint of snow on the road. Thankfully today there is just barely a hint but there is snow in places so I am nervous. When I was a teenager going to a snow camp I was in a wreck on the pass. I think that is where my fear may come from. All this to say I am feeling a bit stretched today. Stretching is usually a good think but it does bring with it some anxiety. I spent quite a bit of time on my knees last night casting that anxiety on the Lord and getting up feeling the wash of His peace over me. A friend of mine explained it well yesterday when she told me how she was praying for peace. She knew God was trying to give her peace but she wasn't accepting it too well. I kept feeling the same way so I kept at it and it took awhile but the peace came. For a moment. That is how peace is. It waves over you but you have to keep pursuing it. It is not a by-product of a single prayer but the by-product of ceaseless praying. Anxious thoughts invade. We pray for peace. Anxious thoughts return. We pray again. Praying without ceasing is a rhythm. See a need. Lift it up. A name flits into your head. Pray for them. You notice someone in your journeys. Pray for them and for why God made you notice. What else you might do. You are nervous about something, like I am about this retreat. You pray. You notice you need an attitude adjustment. You pray. You feel hurt and alone.You pray. You are happy. You prayerfully praise and thank God. You love your family. You pray for them. Rhythm. Ceaseless. God gave us prayer because He knew we would be lost without Him and that too much of our lives we cannot do on our own. He gave us prayer because He loves to be with us. He gave us prayer because He is the answer. Pray.

All Hat and No Cattle

2011-04-10T22:11:00.000-07:00

Are you "all hat and no cattle?" I heard that on American Idol this week and it made me think about my life. Am I better at the "putting on" of Christianity than I am at the living it out? Today Pastor Sean was talking about what God has called us to that would seem to be nonsense. That God calls the poor, the persecuted, the marginalized, the reviled, those who are "least"; He calls them blessed. He told us how all men struggle; some desire wealth, some live for their appetite, some long for the praise and approval of men, and some of us who are believers also struggle trying to keep our lives instead of losing them for Christ. I know that I could relate too well and found myself thinking about it this afternoon and hoping that on a daily basis I am putting on Christ and not religion. Often at night I kneel at my bed and I feel the frustration of my flesh and tell God about it. I promise to do better only to feel frustrated yet again at how short I fall. I am so thankful that God loved us while we were yet sinners and loves while we are yet clothed in our humanity. He loved us so much that He walked as one of us. For me that is a huge part of the story of Easter. He knows us; He knows our name; He knows every struggle. I love how He urges me to be perfect as He is. I love that He presses me forward and will not leave me to just "live out" my life. I don't want to just wear the trappings of my faith; going to church, maybe Wednesday nights, finding a small place to serve once or twice a year so I don't feel guilty. I want to serve God with my time, with my money, with every effort. I say I want to. I do want to. But I am not satisfied. Lord, help me not to just wear the outfit. Remember to push me on the days I need that push. Remind me of your love on the days I feel alone. Help me to understand Grace and extend it to those who need it most. Remind me when I forget that I am carrying Your gospel; Your Words. Help me understand fully what it means to be a light in the world. I don't want to be "all hat and no cattle." Amen

How Great is our God

2011-04-08T21:03:00.000-07:00

When I get physically and mentally tired one of the things that happens to me spiritually is I start doubting God’s love.
It is then that:

I allow guilt to overwhelm me. I remember how unworthy I am and how many mistakes I have made. My failures as a wife, mother, and believer, those failures that we all have, wash over me and threaten my faith.
It is then that:
I allow doubts to sink deep. I believe in God but I start believing that voice that He does not believe in me. That somehow I am outside the paramaters of His unconditional love. That becaue I am the "chiefest of sinners" that I am over the edge of His mercy.
It is then that:
I question God’s purposes. I wonder why He has not healed. I wonder why so many parts of my life have seemed like a train wreck. I wonder in those moments why He allows so much pain and suffering.

There have been moments that I have felt this way in this particular week. Moments when I have felt pain, moments when I have questioned everything that I have done and whether any of it was worth anything at all.

It has been raining way too much. Raining outside, and sometimes hailing and snowing too. It is supposed to be spring. I have needed some spring outside and inside. I am sure many of you have too. Today the sun came out. It was warm. I got to have lunch with my wonderful daughter. I got some sleep. My perspective changed.

I remembered these words:

"What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us."

Romans 8:31-34

"In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ."1 Peter 1:6-7
How great and amazing is the God we serve!

Time to be Trendy

2011-04-04T21:20:00.001-07:00

I was thinking today about the importance of being “trendy.” No, I am not getting a new wardrobe and I will not be sporting a tattoo anytime soon. It’s just that we are trying to reach the culture that exists now, not the culture of 20 years ago and that makes it incredibly important for churches to change and people to embrace that change. Notice I didn’t say be entirely comfortable with that change. I don’t know about you but I have been stretched almost to the snapping point more than once the past few years. I have said in my head and occasionally out loud that if I have to hear one more “hip hop” Christian song I will go mad and I sincerely mean that. Yes, I’ve been stretched and if you are over, (well let’s not talk about age, you know who you are), anyway, I bet at least some of you have been stretched as well. Brian Dodd writes a great blog on leadership over at http://briandoddonleadership.com/ . He had this great list of imaginary quotes from churches that have forgotten the mission of the church; reach the community around us and the world as we walk through it. Some of these quotes show just how obviously off base we can become if we refuse to change. Others aren’t bad, for example revival is a great thing, but when grouped together with the rest become an impossibility. A church cannot experience revival if nobody wants to attend it. Anyway the list got me thinking about how important it is to keep the purity of the gospel while making it accessible and relevant to the day and times that we live in so I present it to you.

1. “Isn’t it great that our music is never too loud?”

2. “Isn’t it nice seeing people in coats and ties and not disrespecting God by wearing blue jeans?”

3. “We’re more spiritual and doctrinally pure than that fast-growing, watered-down gospel, baptizing-hundreds-every-year church down the street.”

4. “Can you believe that church is stealing all our people?”

5. “I hear we’re having to cut the budget because giving is not what it used to be.”

6. “Isn’t it great having all this room on the pew to spread out.”

7. “I love singing all four verses.”

8. “Don’t worry about our attendance. Let me tell you how large our membership is.”

9. “Are you coming to Monday night visitation?”

10. “Remember the good ‘ole days.”

11. “Visitors, please stand.”

12. “I hear it’s just a show over there.”

13. “We just formed a Committee on Committees.”

14. “We don’t talk about money. We preach the Bible.”

15. “Isn’t it great getting out of the parking lot quickly?”

16. “The poor will always be with us.”

17. “I’m really tired about having to hear about lost people all the time.”

18. “Pastor, I think we need to start praying for revival.”

Battle

2011-04-01T16:22:00.000-07:00

My eyes are dry; My faith is old

My heart is hard; My prayers are cold

And I know how I ought to be.

Alive to You and dead to me.

But what can be done with an old heart like mine
Soften it up, with oil and wine.
The oil is you, your Spirit of love,
Please wash me anew, with the wine of your Blood.
(Keith Green)
My last post was about reactions so of course I was tested in that area. That is how it works. And of course I failed because that is also how it works; at least with me. I have felt frustrated lately. It is as if I am at odds with my feelings. It is hard to care deeply and feel strongly and not get caught up in a swirl of negative emotions when it all goes badly. Sometimes I try to steel myself against feeling. Let words and actions and attitudes wash over me without affecting me. It doesn't work for long because God made me to care. Sometimes I just want to quit, thinking I am beyond being useful. I don't feel hard but I have been battling this feeling that all that I do is without purpose. Proverbs 29:11 says, A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back. It's been difficult holding back lately; fighting this desire to just be blunt. Too often I am left thinking that what I do is all for nothing. I don't want to become hard hearted and uncaring but I need to believe that my actions, emotions, and ministry are in tune with God's and that my reactions are His and not my humanity lashing out. There is a life in our words and actions when we are in sync with God that I have been missing of late. The words of the Keith Green song have been running through my head. My life must come from God and not from me. I must keep my spirit soft by pursuing Him fully. I need a restoring of the joy that is mine in Christ. "Because I know how I ought to be; alive to you, and dead to me." I know it and I need it. Self is such a difficult and persistant enemy. The victory may be already ours but the battle is fierce and ongoing.

Be Still and Know That He is God

2011-03-29T22:05:00.001-07:00

I remember reading somewhere that you can tell if a man is a Christian by his reactions. Ouch.

Psalm 46:10 puts it this way; “Be still, and know that I am God.” Another version puts it, Our God says, calm down. Thomas Merton phrased it, “Be empty and know that I am God.” The idea of being empty makes sense to me. When I react poorly I am usually full of myself, full of the flesh. I tend to excuse it by labeling it a natural human reaction, saying I had no time to think, but I am beginning to believe that this is a copout. God expects more of me than natural humanness. I am now His child and a citizen of His Kingdom. If I can get to the place where I live my life empty of self I won’t need or want to lash out because self will not matter. The bad news is that in order to do this I must be willing to empty myself of everything that could be labeled self. Give up the fear that I will lose my place and importance. Give up the anger that so quickly builds when my rights are stepped on or when I take up an offense that is not my own. Give up the bitterness of past hurts. Give up the hiding; the worry that others will see who I really am instead of the mask I put on. Give up the rage that is behind every un-forgiven memory, every shattered dream, every unfair deal we have felt forced to accept. Give up the idols that we have made for ourselves. This is only done as I give my life daily and intentionally to God. It is only done when I take the time to draw near to God on a daily and sometimes moment by moment basis. The truth is that in the moment I react badly life is all about me. In those moments I can feel God trying to rein me in and pull me back. But self and the flesh are stern task masters and in the matter of our reactions they are denied only with great difficulty. When we are still; calm down, and are emptied of self we stand a chance. Be still, empty yourself, calm down, and know that He is God.

I Put my Trust in You

2011-03-20T17:30:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I am afraid...

...I put my trust in You.

Some days I feel overwhelmed by life...

...I put my trust in You.

There are days the future seems like a scary dark tunnel with no light...

...I put my trust in You.

Many days I feel like a failure...

...I put my trust in You.

Some days I wonder "why" ...

...I put my trust in You.

There are days I feel like I am losing it...

...I put my trust in You.

Some days I REALLY DO lose it...

...I put my trust in You.

Every day I am in need of Your grace so...

...I put my trust in You.

Opportunity

2011-03-18T09:48:00.000-07:00

I have been studying the topic of hell this week and it has been a good reminder of its reality. Hell is a very real place where way too many of those we love, family, aquaintences, and the faceless of sea of those we don't will end up without Christ. Mostly I don't think about it. Mostly I live my life out without concerning myself with this ugly reality. Mostly I am selfish with my faith. It has been sobering to say the least. It has lit a fire under me to pray and do whatever I can to reach people for God. It has woken me up. Lately I have been complacent, doing my job, dealing with life at home and huge changes in my personal life. But really, I don't have time for too much of that. In Japan this past week, thousands went to eternity in an instant, most without God, most without hope. I know from experience that life can change in an instant. Our eternal destiny can change in an instant as well. When we invite others to church we give opportunity for lives to change in an instant. When we share with others the reason for the hope that is in us we give opportunity for lives to change in an instant. I am asking God to help me focus on His mission this year, apart from all other focuses and really give my life to Him, not just in part, but all of it. It has been good to be reminded. Life is fragile, but also eternal. We have work to do.

Life Trek, Forgiveness, and Rob Bell

2011-03-02T21:09:00.000-08:00

Great night at Life Trek talking about anger and forgiveness, watching a Rob Bell Nooma DVD. He has such a way of putting things in perspective for me. While he talked about how forgiveness is about letting go and allowing God to deal with people, and about not letting what others do to you effect who God made you to be he took it a step farther. He shared that true forgiveness happens when you are wishing that person well. I think sometimes we think we've forgiven people when in truth we are just sitting back and waiting for God to get them or at least for them to have to suffer the consequenses of what they've done. But God doesn't do that. God forgives us and gives us life. God forgives us and tosses our. sins into the depths of the ocean and remembers them no more. God forgives us and provides for our sin while we are still deep in it. I am afraid that too often, especially in my recent past, I have not lived in that kind of forgiveness. I am guilty of allowing the sins of others to affect my today. There have been days that I have wanted justice more than mercy but I thank God that God didn't want that for me. I am thankful that mercy always triumphs over judgment and the goodness of God is shown in His boundless forgiveness and grace. So grateful to walk through Life Trek together with a great group of kids. Praying that each of them find the God of forgiveness that I am so privileged to serve.

Long Winter

2011-03-01T22:38:00.000-08:00

It can be hard to write from a low place. I know my mom will worry if I struggle and I don't really want people to know it. I like saying that I am fine and revel in its acronym, Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional; fine. Not thinking I'm neurotic (overanxious) but the rest of them seem to fit. It is in this place I struggle to connect with God each day. It is both harder and easier. It is easier as I run to Him so often nowadays. I tell Him everything; all those things that you can't say to anyone else. Harder in that it feels like I am missing something; that I must have done something wrong because it feels like life is a bit of a trainwreck. I know and believe the Love of God but also struggle with the concept. It makes little sense but it is what it is. I am overcome with emotion on a daily basis right now which I hate. It is so often a lonely walk even when I am surrounded by people. I try to give myself permission to feel what I feel and to not be "fine" but am impatient with the process and frustrated. I am grateful for the prayers of so many of you. In some ways this past month has been one of the hardest. I know I need to let it be what it is but I do so long for spring. It has been a very long winter.

One Day

2011-02-09T10:48:00.000-08:00

‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” ( Rev. 21:4 )I was thinking about this verse while at my desk this morning and a thought occured to me. There are things, events that happen to us, sorrows we experience, sins comitted against us, while we spend our brief stay on earth that are unthinkable. They are the the events that we don't "just get over." The sorrows that haunt us daily and often rob us of our joy. Events that are not forgettable and that the consequences of cannot be erased. While they can be used greatly of God for His good and are allowed by Him for His purposes they still cause us grief throughout our lives. I believe it is these tears that God wipes away from us. These are the sorrows that do not disappear when we enter the presence of God but are ones that He Himself wipes away. These are the hurts that nothing but the touch of God can heal, the pain that only God Himself can erase. If you are carrying the unthinkable in your life know this, there is a day coming when God Himself will wipe that pain, that sorrow, the heaviness that you bear, He will wipe it away. Until then, rejoice in that hope! Know that the God who loves you is both just and merciful and that He will make it right and heal every hurting place.

It was Monday

2011-02-07T22:20:00.000-08:00

Today was not my favorite day; it was quite Mondayish. I'm not sure that is a word but I have little doubt that you all can kind of feel what it means. Sometimes stuff just doesn't feel right and all you can do is pray. I am learning that the smallest of things can trigger grief. Like the Super Bowl for instance. I am learning that a house full of females, almost all adults, is both fun and frustrating. I am learning "meaning well" is not enough. I am learning that my grand hopes of changing anyone, including myself, my family, my small group, so many that I love, and the world, are also frustrating and that I need to get a better grip on what it means to walk in the Spirit because that is the only way transformation is going to come. I loved brainstorming about discipleship this morning. I think I am passionate about it. I am pretty much useless on my own. I am more aware than ever of how deeply I need God and how much I love Him. I am trying to learn that sometimes you have to be patient and pray and then pray some more and again and so on.

This is also the first day of my grand experiment. In an effort to combat my asthma I am going gluten free. There is a lot of evidence that going gluten free is helpful in combatting autoimmune disorders and I want to give it a try. My asthma is not worse or anything but it is annoying and besides, anything that helps me get rid of bread and pasta can't be all bad. When I was in the grocery store this weekend I kindof panicked about it but am feeling like it is doable today. We are aiming to be totally gluten free at home and have a day off once in awhile when we are someones company or are out to dinner. Please pray for me when you think of it. I feel almost hopeless when it comes to diet issues.

"Our greatest fear should not be of failure but of succeeding at things in life that don't really matter." Francis Chan (Crazy Love, great book)

Groundhogs Day

2011-02-02T22:01:00.000-08:00

Sometimes at night all I want is for sleep to come. I will stay up until I cannot stay up any longer, or so I think, and then I will go to bed and hope that I will just fall asleep. Today was Groundhogs Day. It was the first date that Bill and I chose to get married on and he always brought me home presents and flowers and a card. I always made sausage because it was ground hog. Sort of a sick thought but it was what I did. Today was my first Groundhog's Day without presents, without a card, without Bill and although we ended up getting married in August it was still like an anniversary for us. Last night I was worried about a lot of things and thinking much about Groundhogs day and how it would be and sleep would not come. Sometimes when that happens I reach my hand up out of the covers and just reach it up to the ceiling praying that God will take my hand and help me sleep. There are more nights now that sleep will come but there are still many nights like last night when I long for sleep and it eludes me; when I wish I could turn off the thoughts that run through my head and when I wish I were so much further along at appropriating the peace of God. Sometimes at night I think I can feel the touch of God when I put my hand up and I know that this small practice helps me fall asleep; I think because when I hold up my hand I am meeting Him. I miss my husband but my God takes such good care of me even in the stuff that seems so very small. I am most grateful.

I've been wading through deep waters

I've been trying to get home

The waves of sin they dash so high, sometimes I think I'm gone

When I think I'm going to sink I hold my hand up high

That great big hand of God comes down and takes ahold of mine.

Thank you Jesus

Laugh

2011-01-30T19:53:00.000-08:00

Every once in a while I have a down day but the last couple weeks it seems that they have been on the increase. I have been struggling with something that I don't usually struggle with. I usually feel positive about life and lately I have felt edgy and discouraged. While there are some reasons for this (reasons are unimportant), I hate it! Today was another one of those days. I didn't even want to go to church which is almost unheard of with me. Thankfully church is not optional at our house and I followed my own rules. What a wonderful morning! It didn't start our too promising. I started to raise my hands during a worship song and hit Olivia in the face. (I have been laughed at much of the day) But the service was wonderful and I felt a little better by the time it was over. I have lunch with a bunch of the worship team and my kids after service each week. We got crazy and I laughed really hard. It has been a long time since I laughed so long and so hard and it was like medicine to my soul. It was a prescription straight from God and those kids were sent from Him. They are the high point of my week on most weeks but today they ministered to me. Sometimes I feel very alone and today I felt very much loved and cared for. I am so grateful for God's gifts. Who would think that crazy laughter would do a body so much good? God is good. While He lets us walk in the darkness sometimes, His light shines in often enough to keep us on track and to keep us moving forward toward Him. I still have some things to work out but I am confident I am getting there and that I am not alone in the journey.

Thoughts on a Sunday

2011-01-16T22:45:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking much about idolatry. This morning’s sermon included a verse I have been thinking about all week. “Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs.” Jonah 2:8 I am so much in need of grace. Too often, when the shadows clear and in the brief moment that I see clearly I shrink at my own sinfulness. I am an idolater. Too often I have tried to localize God; tried to put Him into a box that I desire Him to fit instead of seeing and worshipping Him in truth. I have often sought to domesticate God; tried to believe that I somehow do something for God in my worship of Him, forgetting that He is complete in Himself. I distance myself from God when I blame Him for not doing what I desire Him to do and for “failing” to answer my prayers in the way I see fit. I forget in the moment that He is “all knowing, ever present God” and it is not for the creation to order the Creator. I also fill my time with that which is temporal and useless; spending so many moments on self and away from Him. Yes, I am an idolater and this morning I felt it. I always say that I love it when a message challenges me but this morning I just felt discouraged. It cannot be said that I have been unaware of my idolatry as on many occasions I feel uneasy and know that I am missing the mark. I am so thankful for the Grace of God but wonder how often that Grace should apply to one who has walked for so long. Will I ever get to a place where I fully walk with and please the God I love? I think therein lies the discouragement. “I will lift my eyes to the Maker of the Mountains I can’t climb.” It feels impossible but I again give myself to Him, amazed that He never rejects me. I will cast off the idols once again that so easily ensnare me and continue my daily walk, praying that He will finish the work He has started in me.

Out of Nowhere

2011-01-06T17:16:00.000-08:00

It happened at the intersection by the Red Apple by where I live but it could have been everywhere. Sitting at a red light in my car I thought, "I don't want to do this anymore." We all have those thoughts sometimes. They can come out of nowhere. This day had been pleasant enough. I finished my project of the week and felt good about actually being done on time for once. The people I work with are great and it had been a nice quiet day to get things done, although I like the noisy days also. I had enjoyed Mop's this morning and my brother and his wife were bringing me dinner tonight and he is the best cook I know. In otherwords it was a good day. I sat an extra few seconds after the light turned green, a bit frozen in this thought I was having. By this time I was crying a little and feeling overwhelmed and wondering where all this emotion was coming from. After I turned the corner I quickly asked God to take this mood from me, whatever it was and wherever it was coming from and He did. Almost instantaneously. And He reminded me that I have been through a lot in a short period of time; that He knows and cares; and that He has purpose for me, even when I doubt it. I don't know if you are having one of those days or years but I want to remind you that God does have purpose for every circumstance you are going through and that He knows and cares and is always with you. Sometimes I forget and feel a little alone. It is then He comes and reminds me and that makes all the difference.

Let God be God

2010-12-13T23:12:00.000-08:00

Let Him be Lord. It is the hearts cry of every believer that yearns for Christ, that is looking towards eternity and drawing near to Him who loves us so. It is so hard not to cling to this life and these people who surround us. So hard to keep our eyes on Him who holds our life and the life of those around us. Tonight was pure silliness at our home. We laughed at crazy stuff found on the internet and probably at things that weren't near as funny as we pretended they were. It was a laugh needed after a day of feeling anxiety and I am so glad God knew it and let my household of young adults loose. Between scenes of "epic fail",multiple drug references (guess who),poetry readings, and the joy of watching "SingOff" we had a light evening. The trouble is I don't live in a light world and you don't either. It is hard and our own and others pain weighs heavy. Sometimes I forget that I cannot fix the human heart; I can be rather arrogant that way. I so long for people to be set free, to know the joy of the Lord in the midst of every circumstance. But I cannot soothe my own grief and pain let alone someone elses. Until I allow myself to be filled completely with God’s love, trusting Him in the details that I cannot work out, I will be searching for this elusive contentment elsewhere – resulting in an empty heart that is full of anxiety and distress. You see, it is not my circumstances that dictate my joy and contentment; it is the state of my heart and too often I do not rest in Him and Let Him be Lord. I don't want to hurt and I don't want to grieve. And I don't want anyone else to either. I don't want to go through separations. I don't want marriages to fail. I don't want children to suffer in any way. I don't want to live in a world with no answers. No one would learn a lesson in suffering from me because I hate it. When I was younger I used to long to take away the punishment of my brothers and sisters because I could not bear it. Letting God be God sometimes drives me crazy. When it seems I wait for years to see the purpose and good in painful circumstances I go a little nuts. But then I look backwards, way backwards, and I see; sometimes it is only a few things but I do see. God does work for good. Lives are transformed. There is healing. I have seen marriages healed and I have seen prodigal children turn around and walk zealously after God. And I realize I don't want to just Let God be God; I deeply desire God to be God; I want Him to continue this "long slow walk" to eternity in my life. I want to be used and grown and stretched along the way. This past weekend I remarked that I was tired of learning lessons but I am not. I am tired, perhaps of the pain but so glad for the personal work of God in me. Let God be God.

Fear

2010-11-20T23:07:00.000-08:00

I was reading one of my favorite blogs and it asked the question, "Are you prepared to fail miserably? I started thinking back over my life and how many times I have played it safe instead of being willing to fail. When I was a sophmore in High School I had the opportunity to spend a year in Japan but plagued by fear I backed out. I have wondered often how my life might have been different if I had taken that risk. Another risk I backed away from was going away to college. You see, I have always been afraid of people and situations that were in the least unfamiliar. As a young wife I made my husband call for any appointment or business problem we might have. I never made a dctor appointment on my own until I got pregnant. I would either have Bill or someother family member do it. Once I even had a co-worker make me a doctor appointment. Thankfully God takes us the way we are and, if we allow Him, He takes us on a journey, stretches us, and makes us new creatures. I barely remember that girl that I was, who did not speak her first year at community college, who refused to have guests into her home, who would not finish her education because it would have required going away. That girl was so afraid of failing and so afraid of rejection and so afraid of people. Being saved is about more than heaven and more than about forgiveness. It is about life. It is about becoming a whole new person. It is about overcoming what holds us back and using the gifts God gives us. Am I still afraid of failure and rejection and people? Of course; I will always be challenged by what held me back so many years ago. But those things that paralyzed me have lost their grip. Thank you God. That fear did not go away. I had to choose to push past it. Am I afraid of failure? Yes, but I am more afraid of missing life; I am more afraid of wasting what God has given me; I am more afraid of not reaching towards the goal God has set for me. Living without fear does not feel so safe anymore. I would rather feel the fear and go forward and see what God does.

Psalm 143

2010-11-16T23:13:00.000-08:00

Psalm 143

The Highly Unauthorized Cyndi Version

O LORD, in your patience hear me out.

Please help me understand

while I think out loud

in your presence.

Please don't take my thoughts

too seriously,

but help me

as I process some things.

I just don't understand some people, Lord.

I don't.

They mystify me.

I don't understand those

who hold onto and are utterly sure

of their own righteousness;

as their actions and attitudes

stand in direct opposition to your Word,

to the precepts you have taught.

I don't get those

who go their own way; when they have tasted your goodness

and then stray from the road you lead us on.

I wonder why they don't enjoy your blessing.

I can't fathom

how people who call themselves by your name

can be so willful

and stubborn

and critical

and ugly toward others.

It dismays me.

I am getting weary

I long for those days when my faith was fresh

my heart unjaded.

I will turn to you;

my soul longs for your living water

Hear my cry, Lord,

and renew my spirit.

Come, Holy Spirit.

Rain on me.

Flow through me,

renew my dry and barren places

Wash away all weariness;

my dullness

my cynicism.

Draw me near to you;

and let tomorrow dawn

with fresh hope

and renew my spirit.

Walk with me.
Rescue me from my enemy,

who wants to render me useless,

and from myself,

for I am near a precipice and need you .

Teach me to trust in your will,

for you are my God;

lead me on level ground,

for you are Almighty God.

Silence all doubt,

that I may walk fearlessly;

I am yours; your servant forever

Sunday Thoughts

2010-11-07T23:33:00.000-08:00

Today was one of those sermon's that made me squirm. Literally. I wanted to run out, use any excuse to not have to listen anymore. I knew what the topic was going to be and I had a choice. I could have stayed out at the mop's bake sale but I was worried a friend didn't have anyone to sit with and the sale didn't really need two of us during the service so I ducked out. Humility is hard because it is not just about your actions but is also about your motives and even about what you think about. I felt like I was under some sort of test all week. I was sick early on, fought some envy, had to make a difficult decision, alone, wondering if I was making the right one, and then had migraines nearly every day the rest of the week. It was a week I felt very alone which is a trick the enemy often uses with me. In otherwords, I was caught up with me. Humility is difficult to fake. At least it is hard to fake to yourself. I know just how often my thoughts are preoccupied with myself, how easily I am critical of others in order to feel better about my own inadequacies, how easily I can get sucked into feeling sorry for myself, forgetting how much worse it is for many and just how good God is to me. I can't seem to make myself humble or to forcibly throw off pride but I can do those things that can make it possible for God to work His character and attitude in me. I start off every day with the word but I think I need to do better than that. I pray every day, many times a day, but I know I can be more focused and listen much better. I know I can be more careful before I speak and in my actions. The answer is more of Him, less of me. The words of John the Baptist hit home this morning, He must increase in my life. As I empty myself of what is useless and selfish the Spirit of God can fill the empty places.

Forward

2010-10-31T23:42:00.000-07:00

One of the reasons I write is to tell my story. I don't write because my thoughts are more profound than others. In fact I am quite sure that there are innumerable multitudes that write the same types of things that I do much much better. But there is something in the telling of my story that wants me to have a better story. It pushes me forward. One of the guys in our church preached His first sermon today. He did an amazing job and while I listened I thought about how that act will push Him to live a better story. When I was in my middle 30's I was asked to lead a Ladies Bible Study. I was quick to say I was too young, that the older women are to teach the younger women and promptly was told that I had crossed that bridge. Not fun. But the act of teaching that Bible Study did more to push me forward than anyting I had done for God before. There is something about both leadership and writing that make us want to be better, to be used of God to make a difference. When I write it helps me make sense of the place I am at and what I am going through. When I teach I want to be sure I know what I am teaching, that I am ready to be taught, and that I am in a place where I can follow up with those I teach. For me it is all about serving God. But when I first started out it wasn't necessarily about that. It was about finally having friends, it was about being set free from sin, it was about not feeling alone. God was a part of that but I was just learning. While I was "all in" from the beginning I still did not get what that meant and had a long way to go and of course I still do. But God led me, patiently; He taught me, willingly; He loved me when I fumbled my way around. The one thing that was true at the beginning that is still true now is that my God holds the central place of my life and I have willingly exchanged my previous crummy life for the adventure of walking with Him. Some of you have not exchanged your life for His. Some of you are not pressing forward with your story. I urge you to take some time as you read this and go to God and give your all to Him. In every story of every person in the Bible who walked with God one thing is evident. Their lives forever changed when they met Him. And another thing, they pushed forward and had no regrets. I would not trade one day of my life since I met Christ for one of the days before and I have had some bad ones. There is nothing worse than being alone and lost. Now I have family and am set free.

Just a Note

2010-10-26T00:47:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I fight writing the personal in my blog. It feels somehow wrong and right at the same time. Like so many I struggle with wanting to be seen. There is a part of me that wants to get the words right and make it all about me. At the same time I want to hide. I am afraid if I let out my feelings and thoughts I am only opening myself up to criticism. It is a bit of a contradiction; two thoughts -- both wrong. Because I love to write and feel compelled to do so I hope that the bits of my story and thoughts along my way will encourage and help. Today I was in a mood. I managed to hide it fairly well at work but by the time I got home it overtook me and I had to apologize to my daughters for my shortness with them. As so often happens it is my family who gets the backlash when I am having a hard time. I feel restless much of the time. I hate being gone and I hate being at home. I don't know what to do and the only time I feel somewhat normal is when I am writing, praying, and when I get to help someone. I am trying way too hard to not think and feel. I am dreading the holidays and the winter. I find myself discouraged and impatient and do not like it. It has always seemed to me that if I were close to God I could skip those things but not so. Reading the book of Job again was an encouragement. Going through Jeremiah right now is also. Both are filled with the raw emotions of grief and discouragement. It seems what I know is this. Life is not easy. Loss is difficult. Being honest is challenging. Sometimes my life seems fragmented and my heart feels like giving up. It is then I turn to Jesus and He is always so very good to me.

Thoughts on a Sleepless Night

2010-10-21T02:10:00.000-07:00

Sleep will not come. They say you shouldn't just lie in bed wide awake so here I am up, trying to quiet these thoughts that swirl through my head, trying to turn them into prayers, wanting in this moment to somehow force happy endings to people's misery. We live in a fallen world, a deeply fallen place and while it bears the beauty of its creator it also bears the mark of the enemy that holds it in his grip. I am so troubled tonight. Perhaps it is the weariness that comes after grief and difficulty. Perhaps it is seeing so much pain. I don't know. I want so badly to help us see how deeply we hurt our children, God's precious ones, (for they belong to Him) when we sin and refuse to forgive and refuse to say we are sorry and refuse to change until the other person does and refuse to put on the character of Christ which He has given us who do not deserve any of it. You might be thinking I had a bad night at youth group. I didn't. But I think a culmination of several difficult conversations this past week has put me perilously close to an edge I don't want to be on. I want to continue to believe God is going to transform us, that we are becoming less selfish and more like Him, that we are going to really repent and turn around and walk differently than we have been. I want to believe that we are going to truly see ourselves and then look to Christ. I want to believe in all of it. I do believe all of it. I believe in God's power and His work in our lives for I know He changed me. I believe in a mighty God. I am just not so sure I believe in His people.

Always With Us

2010-10-08T00:33:00.000-07:00

I have felt a little overwhelmed lately. Busy at work and thinking about the holidays. I love how God meets me in my craziness. Wednesday I felt exhausted after work and knew that I needed to be fresh for Life Trek. I was trying to finish up too many things at once and had stared at a computer way toooo long. I needed to be refreshed. Knowing I was going to be facing a room full of High School students when you are brain dead is so not a good idea. It seemed to me to be a good idea to lock myself in the prayer room for a little while and pray. I didn't spend a lot of time but God met me there in those moments and I came out feeling fresh, peaceful and ready. It was good but what was even better was knowing that we serve a God that meets our needs. At the end of the night I was exhausted and today I don't feel much better but for that space of time that I needed to be fresh God met me in that need. So often I ask Him for things that aren't actual needs. I want Him to take away this space of time that I just need to walk through. I want Him to make me feel less afraid and anxious. I want Him to answer questions when I just need to trust Him. I want Him to quit teaching me hard lessons and help me to just "get it." God is taking us through it all. He has not left us here alone. He is my Father, my husband and my dearest friend. He is so patient. I am so grateful. I love Him so very much.

Things that Hinder

2010-09-24T10:47:00.000-07:00

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrews 12:1-2

I have been feeling weary lately, weary of feeling so upside down and out of my usual element. I am no longer a wife. My children have all grown up and so I do not feel much like a mother. Lately at work all I can see are my mistakes and there have been plenty. I have noticed that the older I get the more I forget. I used to just joke about it when it only happened once in awhile but now it has been happening with regularity. The more I worry about frustrating those who have to work with me the worse it gets. Sounds like a pity party doesn't it? A few blogs ago I talked about working on my inner narcissism that seems to have crept out into my life. Nicole tells me I am obsessed lately with the word narcissism and I think she is right. I hate being self absorbed but can't seem to find my way out of it. Part of it is I feel out of my element. For so many years I spent my time mothering and being a wife. That is no longer the case and I am trying to plot out a new course and it is not easy. Lately it seems that I have known just the wrong thing to say to my kids, trying to mother them when they are adults. Not a good idea. I miss my husband. Early this morning I was watching something I had recorded and thought about how much Bill would have loved it and that wave that comes overtook me again. It is part of my life. I was reading in Hebrews this week how it is not just sin that hinders. Sin entangles and it certainly hinders but there are other things that hinder. I want to run the race God has given me until the very end and I can't do that if I am absorbed with what used to be and dwelling on how my life has changed and I don't like it. That hinders and it makes me weary and lose heart. I know it does because I feel it. I don't know the answer in entirety but I have made some changes this week. I am spending extra time in prayer and in the Word. I am reading more again instead of watching things that do not profit. It is all I know to do. I am sharing this because we all have things that hinder us that are a little hidden. They aren't as simple as the sin we easily see. The are hidden and need to be ferreted out and dealt with. Because they are not easily seen we must look for them. It is worth it because when we don't we become weary and we begin to lose heart. God needs our hearts to be fully engaged to accomplish His mission through us. He needs our energy to be His and not lost to sin and entanglements. Hopefully I will soon be through this entangled and hindered portion of life and feel much more useful.

Salvation

2010-09-19T22:46:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking and praying much about the process of salvation this week. It does not seem as if there is much Biblical back up for much of what we use to lead people in the process. There is no sinners prayer or 4 step method or Romans Road in the Bible. What should the process look like today? As I was praying for the service today and asking God that question I had kind of an aha moment. I thought of that verse in Acts that states that "the Lord added to their number daily such as would be saved." It hit me. Jesus adds those who want to be saved. We often try to add people to church who do not wish to be saved. They may believe in God, not want to go to hell, even like the idea of belonging to a religion or giving space in their schedule to God but they do not want to be saved from this life and their sin. They do not want to be set free and given new purpose. They do not like the idea of God ruling over them. They do not want to be saved. When Jesus called the disciples He asked them to follow Him. Simply that. Of course He told them what that meant. For the rich young ruler it meant leaving his wealth and don't be too sure that isn't being asked of people today! For the Pharisees he asked them to give up their religion. To the woman at the well He said, "Go, and sin no more." A tall order if you ask me. While it was simple it was not easy, while it is worth everything it can seem costly. Today Jesus asks the very same things of us, Follow. Give. Go. Leave your life of sin. Be a soldier. Do not be entangled in this life. Be content. He is enough. Jesus is adding to the church those who would be saved. We do need to keep it simple. But we also need to make sure it is well understood what salvation is, its true cost and the incredible joy and blessing that accompany it. Just my thoughts on this day.

Justice

2010-09-14T23:34:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about justice this week. I thought about how I don't really understand the meaning of it and how apart from God none of us do. It does not seem just that people die from lack of clean water. It does not feel just that, as believers we rail against the gay agenda, single moms on welfare, and other societal ills and forget that these lost ones are God's children that we are called to love. It does not feel just that we inflict the fallout of our sins on our families, friends, and churches. It does not feel just that we often throw the first stone. There is a God who loves us so very much that He sent His beloved Son to die for us. Because of that love I am free, free to make sure that no one I know suffers the consequences of sin without learning the way out. Free to cover the sins of others with mercy and love them in the mess they are in. Free to invest in the poor of this world instead of heaping possessions to ourselves. Free to live and know and love the God who declared that "Mercy always triumphs over judgment." I know we live under intense pressure and it is easy to feel like the psalmist Asaph in Psalm 73 whose "feet almost slipped" when he saw how easy sinners seem to have it. After thinking about it he remembered, "my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Those who are far from you will perish; you destroy all who are unfaithful to you. But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;" We have the Lord. We are of all men most blessed. Our weeping endures for a short space only. If we do not remember our purpose that will not be true of our friends and loved ones. It will not be true of the world's lost and poor if we do not intentionally remember. We are here for a purpose. We exist for a reason. Until that last day He has showed us what is good, and what the Lord requires of us. "We are to do justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with God." We are not to rail against things that are not fair, or to demand rights that we cannot control. We are to trust that the God who loves us will walk with us through this world. We are to trust that His plan and work is greater than any pleasure that this world can give us. We are to grow in our knowledge of Him who is truly Just and absolute Mercy.

Trust

2010-09-11T23:03:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking today about how, as a believer, we must choose to trust God. We cannot measure whether to trust God by our minds perception of how trustworthy He is. We cannot because life is dark in spots and it can stay dark for what seems to be a lot of time. That is because God will take whatever time He needs to obtain the result He desires. I think of Joseph, sold into slavery. God had a reason for allowing that and Joseph remained faithful to the God He knew and the God He had chosen to trust. If you look at every story of the Bible you will see it over and over again. God is trustworthy but we must choose to trust Him. If you try and decide in the darkness or try and decide while looking at anothers life when they are going through darkness it will be hard to see His plan and His goodness. That is why believers will mistakenly believe that a person is in some kind of sin when they are going through darkness. We try to find a reason instead of trusting in God's ultimate plan and His promise to use all things for our good as we love and serve Him. The truth is, we want a safety net, a place to walk that is not scary. Sorry. Trusting God is about walking through the darkness and coming out on the other side. It is about saying, "God you are good and whatever you need to allow in my life in order for your plan to be accomplished, have at it." It is saying to the darkness, this is temporary, God is with me, and He always has my best interest in mind. It is a willingness to walk through deep waters. We have His Word as a testimony to the beauty of His plans. They will not fail. He can be trusted. He is good.

Thoughts Gained from Reading and at the Office

2010-09-08T23:32:00.000-07:00

I still am not feeling very cohesive in my thoughts this week but I often have some random thoughts while reading and at work and thought I would share some of them.

1. I have been thinking alot about whether anyone can actually take advantage of another person. Here is my thought. Give your life away so no one can take anything from you. Remember, no one took Jesus’ life. He laid it down. If you live with a life laid down I don't think anyone can take advantage of you.

2. Some days the only reason I can keep breathing is because I know that my life has been Redeemed. I know that the ugly and discarded have a purpose. God does not always intend for us to suffer the grief’s we bear. What is worse is that they are so often inflicted by those we love. He may not have intended for us to hurt and suffer pain...but everything that comes into our lives He uses for our good.

3. The gospel leads you to do what might seem impossible, because you’ve been captured and thrilled by the impossible love of the cross. I so hope God and I accomplish some impossible things this year.

4.The older I get the more that I realize that there is nothing I would rather do than invest my life in God, that being comfortable is almost always at odds with being fulfilled, and that God’s plans are frustrating and painful and unbelievably good.

5. I sometimes struggle to go home at the end of the day. It feels empty and I lose my sense of purpose. I'm going to work on that.

6. I found a blog while randomly searching the other day. It is called - Jesus. Life. Hard. - That says most of what I have felt the past couple years but I would add - Glorious. - He is so worth it all.

Love this verse

Isaiah 58:11

And the LORD will guide you continually

and satisfy your desire in scorched places

and make your bones strong;

and you shall be like a watered garden,

like a spring of water,

whose waters do not fail.

Truly Random Thoughts

2010-09-04T13:42:00.000-07:00

My thoughts have been truly random of late so I am going to borrow my dear friend Amber's style and make a kind of list of them.
1. I hate it when you grate your finger instead of the food. That is my whining over my sports injury. I am calling it a sports injury because I grated it making chili for the guys who are picking their fantasy football picks tonight at church. They will eat my food but not let me play. Does that seem somehow wrong? (I'm actually good with it.)
2. Can you really love God and hate His wife? This is for all of us who tend to be overly critical of God's bride.
3. I was filled with an incredible sense of well-being this morning when I turned on the television and saw college football on multiple channels. It gives me this sense that, at least on Saturdays, life goes on. I think that makes me strange.
4. I love having small children in my kitchen. I got to babysit last night and it did me a world of good, felt peaceful the whole evening.
5. The fair looks exactly the same every year. Even the new booths seem to blend into the atmosphere and seem like they have always been there. Thankful for free tickets!
6. On a similar note, so thankful I passed on the steam mop even though it looked like so much fun at the time. My floor is much too small to justify such an expense. Thank you Karly for rescuing me.
7. I feel like I am in a slump, way too emotional, tired of routine, wanting something I can't put my finger on, maybe to feel useful to my King.
8. Each of my girls is a treasure and time has gone by way too fast.
9. Challenge to self: Spend a week without self-indulgent pity parties. I need to put down this creeping narcissim.
10. Jesus called us to follow Him. I think it's interesting and comforting to know that in Christ even leaders must learn to follow.

A Million Miles in a Thousand Years

2010-08-26T23:38:00.000-07:00

I have been reading a book named "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years," by Donald Miller. Mr. Miller and I didn't get off to the best start the first time I read him. I am one of the few that did not care for "Blue Like Jazz." In fact, it got me quite riled up and while I recommended it to others to read because it causes you to think, the book made me angry also, leaving me conflicted and not anxious to pick up another of his books. A friend recommended this one, a friend that I trust, so I managed to borrow it and read it this week. I must say that I liked this book much better than the first. I still feel like he and I would butt heads quite a little if we met, which can be fun, I loved the concept of this book and it got me thinking. Donald talks about the importance of the story of your life and the book challenged me to look at the story I am living. It moved me to tears in a couple spots because I can see how I have wasted so much of my story and I see how little I have left to write. Don talks about how every story has conflict that has to be overcomed to make the story worthwhile. He talks about how, for a story to "work", one must overcome fear and I liked what he said about fear. He said that overcoming fear is about being afraid and walking through it anyway and how so often we think of fear as self protective when it is actually a major distraction and is highly destructive. Fear keeps us from living our best story. It takes awhile to get into the book, but is worth the effort. It left me determined to write my "story" with much more thought and deliberation and to work hard to overcome some obstacles that have kept me back for so many years. I have decided not to wallow in what I have missed in my story but to instead to walk forward with deliberate thought with the time I have left. I have always been fascinated by the "story" of others lives and have enjoyed the beauty of others ideas. Now I see the need of being purposeful of the "story" my life is writing and telling. It will either bring glory to God or be just a waste of space and time. I know what I want it to be but that will not come by accident. We are each writing a "story" with the time God gives us and while mine may not translate into a book or movie, I hope it will make a difference.

Life

2010-08-24T20:51:00.000-07:00

It is a mistaken notion that a life does not count unless one goes to Bible College or becomes a minister or Christian worker. It is a mistaken notion that most of the work that God desires to have done happens within the four walls of a church. What makes a life not count is when we fail to give our life fully to Him. What makes a life not count is when we fail to live for Him in whatever we are doing. What makes a life not count is when we fail to proclaim God in and through whatever we do in our lives. What makes a life not count is when we fail to tell others about the hope that lies within us. Don't get me wrong. I thank God for those who give their lives as ministers. I learn so much from them and from their example. I need them and so do you. But God never meant all of us to be them. Don't get me wrong; I am so grateful that some of my kids got the privilege of going to Bible College. They are richer for it and I do recommend it, but it is not necessary. But what God asks, and He does ask for this, is that we give our lives to Him and spend our lives for Him. Whatever He asks, I will do. Wherever He leads, I will go. To find out what He asks and to know where He leads I will ask and I will look to see what He is doing and then I will join in whatever that is. Be very careful, then, how you live--not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. Ephesians 5:17-19. My life is not my own, I have been bought with a price and it is my privilege to give that life to Him.

Anniversary

2010-08-11T00:45:00.000-07:00

Today would have been my 36th wedding anniversary. A few months ago I joked that I soon would be married longer than I had been alive! I have always hated birthdays and the passage of time in general. Today I found myself pondering what I was grateful for in my marriage. If I asked Bill to vacuum the carpets I knew I would come home and they would be vacuumed. Of course he might leave every dish in the sink dirty, but the carpet would be beautifully vacuumed. Every night when Bill got home he would make me iced tea. I used to tell him that he made the best iced tea (true) and so he would come home and immediately make it. Every Tuesday morning we went out for breakfast. It was a given. With our schedules it was necessary or we would fail to touch base for weeks. We would talk about how Bill felt the book of James shouldn't be in the Bible, while James is one of my favorite books and about music he liked or things we had read. Bill was a great person to travel with. The journey was always as important as the destination and he did not care how many rest areas I needed to stop at. As in all relationships, ours was not without difficulty, in fact we had faced some very troubled waters even in recent years. I was grateful for what Pastor Sean shared at the memorial service, that Bill had recovered from difficulty. So many people live their entire lives without facing themselves, not seeing who they are. It is only in facing who we are that we can repent and recover and I am so grateful that Bill had faced himself and gave everything to God. On a day like this you think a lot about regrets. I wish I had been better, more patient, less selfish. I thought today about how you will never regret the forgivness and mercy you extend to your spouse. You will never regret letting go of small things. You will never regret working through big things. You will never regret trusting God with your life and marriage. All things considered, and there are so many things to consider, I feel so honored to have been married to Bill and to walk through his stuff as he walked through mine. It was a hard day today. I could tell it was hard because I cleaned the office. I always clean when I am restless. But I got through it. I miss my husband and these days just seem to emphasize that he is gone but God is with me and stays so close. It is good.

On Writing

2010-08-07T22:24:00.000-07:00

I have had a hard time writing anything lately. Everything I have thought about lately has seemed empty and I have struggled to feel like myself. I decided today that I need the discipline of putting my thoughts down and maybe if I do that part of me that is struggling will figure itself out. Writing has always been a way that I put order in my chaos and sanity to some of my insanity. It is a way to have a voice. I think that is why there are so many blogs and why they are good things. I have heard about how nacissistic they are and that is true to an extent, but it can be a wonderful thing to write what God shows you and what you have been thinking. It is another way of connection with each other, another way to share and grow. I love to read what others write and visit many blogs each week. I follow several blogs that I never have left a comment on which is sad. I will fix that. I learn and grow from the wisdom of others and from what God is showing others. I intend to get back to the business of writing this week even if some of my writing is disjointed and a little sad for awhile. It does me good. I think I will quit worrying whether what I write sounds too dark or whether my family will worry about me if I write what is on my heart. Writing is one of the ways God works in me so I will keep at it

Yes Every Day

2010-07-17T18:18:00.000-07:00

Our church is sending a group to Swaziland to share the love of God through the game of soccer. When I first heard they were going I knew that I could not. I am not in shape and there were some other factors that made it impossible. I didn't question the impossibility but rather embraced the role that I could play in the trip. I was determined to be the best sender that God would allow me to be. Senders are an absolute necessity. Without them no missions trip would be possible and being a sender is in a sense being a part of the team. Senders give and pray and do any other thing that might help the team get to their destination. This past week I needed a copy of the teams itinerary in order to work on something I was doing for them. As I read it over I got this deep ache in the pit of my stomach. It dawned on me that no matter how much sending I did that I would not be going. I found myself longing to be a part of the going team. Mind you, nothing has changed. I still would need to lose some serious weight, get in much better shape, and have a couple things change in my personal circumstances in order to be a goer; but I still felt that longing. And that is how it should be. Thankfully, I also get to be a goer. Every day I have the opportunity to "go" into the world and share the love of God; "go" into my world and help people grow in their relationship to God: "go" into the world and be a light in a world trapped by sin.

But too many are neither "going" or "sending." They are stuck; going to church but never embracing what it means to follow. If saying yes to Jesus does not require something of us, we have to ask whether it was really Jesus we encountered. In the story "The Lord of the Rings," Frodo did not know his exact destination, but he knew where he was going. He had a purpose. A call. A goal. He was dreaming this dream so that He would save the world. We have been called to be world savers. Christ did the work; gave us His Spirit; and entrusted us with that calling. Do you know who you want to be, where you want to go, and what you need to do to get there? I think I do. I need to embrace the calling to "go" and to "send." I need to live my life daily saying yes. Saying yes until He stops me with a no. Saying yes without worrying that I may make a wrong choice. I will. God will help me through it. Saying yes to going deeper, loving with passion, to making every day count.

Every sender should long to go. Every believer should long to make a difference; to shine their light. When we say YES to God and encounter Him in our yesses just imagine what will happen. I do.

Not Today

2010-07-09T21:27:00.000-07:00

I wrote a list of things I hate but decided to erase it. It was way too depressing. The heat brings that out in me. I have this dark side when the temp goes above 80 and it isn't pretty. I messed up all this paperwork that I was supposed to do and so I had to do it again and that tried my patience and kind of put me over the edge. You see, I had already messed up once and now I did it again. It brought out that out of control feeling where I just want to cry. I am so not a cryer but yesterday and today I explored my weepy side. Thankfully I was around people a lot of the time so it wasn't constant. But once I got in the car it came back. I went directly to the grocery store to make it go away and that worked until I got out. I hate this feeling. It is Shindig weekend and a huge part of me would like to stay home but a little part of me wants to go. I'm not sure which part will win. I miss my husband. I miss him more with each passing week. I am sure that will not last forever but it is my present reality and it is hard and I feel like I have to be okay all of the time and that is hard too. The truth is that I do feel that God is walking through this with me. The truth is that even though that is true it is still hard. The truth is that sometimes it might be okay to just feel bad. The truth is that I keep feeling like I want to go home even though I am home. My home is just not the same and I feel a little lost. It will be okay. It's just not today.

Covering

2010-07-07T22:52:00.000-07:00

I was in Youth Group tonight and it was not going well. I'm not sure about the why's of that but it sometimes happens. We did get to talking about the impact negativity and criticism have on us. It got me thinking about how, as believers, we are supposed to have each other's back, and how often we fail at that. Remember the story of the son's of Noah? How two of the son's covered the nakedness of their father and did not look upon it. To me that story is a picture of pure love. Instead of looking at their father's weakness and sin they covered him. They did not look upon him. How many times do we point out the weaknesses and sins of others? How often do we revel in anothers shortcomings or at least point out how their weaknesses affect and annoy us? I was thinking about how often I have pointed out the flaws in others. Maybe it is my own insecurities trying to make myself look better (sin) or maybe I just want to be their Holy Spirit (not my job). Whatever it is, it is ugly and it is sin. One of the things that I have learned through the death of my Bill is that I know that you will never be sorry about having lavished love on those around you after you lose them. You will never regret having covered another's sins and flaws when they are gone. You will, however greatly regret not doing better. You will remember and deeply regret your annoyances with them. You will wish you had more time to do it better. I know this. Recently our Pastor challenged us to go a week without being negative and critical and when we slipped to give money to a home that houses homeless women who have been the brunt of criticism and unkindness their whole lives. The week is up but I am still feeling the challenge. There is a song with one line that sums it all up. " Love will hold us together, make us a shelter to weather the storm, and I'll be my brothers keeper, so the whole world will know that we're not alone." We desperately do not want to be alone. We want to find shelter in one another. We want to be able to trust that we have each other's back. Life is a storm and we desperately need each other. I have had love, concern, and prayers poured out on me the past few weeks and I am so deeply grateful. It has made such a difference during what has been such a hard time for me and the girls. You know, I have the best life ever. I serve the Creator and have been saved from all of my sins. I get to represent the Savior on a daily basis. I have the message of salvation entrusted to me. I am the daughter of the King. On top of it, I have wonderful friends, a great job and my Father takes such good care of me. Most of these things, if not all are true of most believers. Let's face it, we are all annoying, full of flaws, and slip into sin. Let's aim to be as the son's of Noah. Lets cover each other so that "the whole world will know that we are not alone." What a testimony that will be!

Thoughts

2010-06-30T08:14:00.000-07:00

Life goes on. Except for at night. Life seems to stand still at night. It is at night I feel overwhelmed and sometimes even afraid. It is at night that I miss him the most. Sunday too. Sometimes I just want to hide but there is too much to do. That is probably a good thing. It is good that I cannot make life stand still. It is a good thing that I have routine. When I feel like hiding and when I want to scream there are things to do and people I need to be okay for. I am grateful for all of your prayers. I need them. I feel like I am going down a tunnel and I am trying to get through it but I can't see the end yet. I know there is light at the end of it and I will get there but it is a long tunnel. God is with me in this tunnel and while I sometimes feel alone and somehow different than I was He is always there and He is guiding me through it.

In a Moment

2010-06-24T09:37:00.000-07:00

That Monday started out a little differently than a usual Monday. I had been very upset on Sunday about a situation and Bill knew it was eating at me. He got up before I went to work, not his usual habit, and prayed for me before I left. I knew he was out getting his new sunglasses that day so I called him and asked him to bring me lunch. He had a day off as we had a project that needed attention and a couple errands to run. He brought me lunch at 1:30, we visited a few minutes, and by 4:00 I was a widow.

Life can change in a moment. In fact life is filled with ordinary days and life changing moments. I have been overwhelmed by the generosity and love of those around me. God is so very good to me and I will never be able to properly thank those who have loved and cared for me this past week. Yesterday I think it all started to sink in. I missed Bill terribly, sensing deeply for the first time the permanence of his absence. My car broke down and I had a fresh appreciation for all of the things he took care of. I felt a sense of being alone even though I have so much love around me and that is because a part of me has been severed away. It is a wrenching that is hard to describe.

But I know some other things also. There is a bondage in this life that we can never fully be free of until we are free of this flesh. I picture Bill in the presence of God, fully free, filled with a joy that will someday be mine as well and I would never take that from him. But I miss him, and I love him, and it is hard.

Life can change in a moment and it does. God takes us through those moments. He also gives us life beyond those moments. I am learning to navigate a different course. While there is some pain involved I know that God still has plans for me and that I will live. The Lord gives. The Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Thoughts on a Saturday

2010-06-12T15:53:00.000-07:00

Walking through life with adult children can be a little like walking through a minefield. I have great kids. They are all hard workers and have very different personalities. I love each of their unique selves and can see various parts of myself in each of them. The trick nowadays is that I must remember that they are grown up. I must respect them even when I do not agree with them. I must allow them to own their decisions even when they head off in a direction I may not like. I was thinking how important it is to maintain relationships even as it gets harder, how important it is not to allow my passion to get in the way of those relationships. I have an opinion about most everything. If I don't have one ready just give me a minute and I will formulate one. But opinions are not worth much. I also know a lot of truth. Truth is good and important but even truth can be a problem at times. Not everyone knows the same amount of truth. Also there have been many times I have been wrong even in things I believe have been the truth. Even truth needs care. Jesus said that other people would know we are Christians by the love we have for each other. That love trumps all of my opinions. That love stands even when our truths don't match up. With my kids it is easier. I always love them. But I was thinking how with others it is easy to have less patience, to hold onto our opinions and put truth on a pedastal and lose love. I have been seeing this happen in the body of Christ and I hate it. I have been guilty of it and I hate that. My truth should be firm, but gentle and kind. My love should come without conditions. My opinions should be held with an open hand and carefully and rarely wielded. With all of my kids home my life has been both harder and richer in the past month. As I dwell in the body of Christ my relationships will mirror that. My life will be richer for their fellowship, love, and what they teach me. It will be harder because I will need to put on the character of Christ to navigate the inevitable minefields that relationships bring. I will need the Spirit of God to control the passion that wells up in me. I will need to put on love every day, the love God has for me, in order to grow myself and to disciple others. The minefields are out there, waiting to make our relationships explode and hinder the Gospel but God has left us weapons to use, love and truth working together to bring many to Him.

Enough

2010-06-09T00:16:00.000-07:00

Today felt strange to me. I felt like I was on the verge of tears all day and had no idea why. I was struggling with a headache but nothing was wrong per se. It just seemed like there was this weight I could not get past. It was strange as there was nothing I could point to. I found myself thinking negative thoughts and going over past disappointments. As I sat at my desk I could hear a voice whisper to me the Word of God. You know, that voice that brings to remembrance those Words God left us with. The ones we need so desperately, and today was one of those days that I needed them. I heard God saying to put on the mind of Christ. I heard Him say that to be eternally minded is life and peace, that this world is not my home. I also heard Him say that He does not willingly crush and afflict us, that it is okay to mourn our losses. Oh, how I love His voice. It is a comfort in the stormy days. Tonight I was visiting a friend who is going through her own set of struggles. As I told her of my day I felt the peace of God wash over me. I know part of the reason for my own hard day was so that I could meet my friend in her struggle. There is something about shared burdens, praying together, and story that help us know we are not alone. Whatever you are walking through I know a few truths. The Savior walked there before and walks with you now. There is purpose in every affliction, even when it is unseen purpose. I know you must fill yourself with God's Word now. Waiting until your day of sorrow will find you empty and vulnerable to the enemy. I know that each bad day holds purpose and we can trust Him that holds our life in His hands. I know that Jesus is enough.

Sunday Thoughts

2010-05-23T21:22:00.000-07:00

It has been a long time since I wrote anything here. I kind of wanted to wait until I had something of value to share but I am not sure if that is going to happen any time soon so I will share a few thoughts that have been poking through this head of mine. I am frightfully insecure and hate it. Only I am not so sure how much I hate it. I have been reading Beth Moore's book on insecurity and I am discovering that insecurity is painful but has become far too comfortable. Don't have the answers to that. I guess I will have to pick it up again. I threw it down in frustration at chapter 3!

I missed my flower beds so I planted a bunch of containers. It is amazing what a little beauty does for one. I felt so encouraged just by planing some flowers. It gets me thinking of how much better life could be if we would just "encourage one another." I wonder if I could get by with just kindness for a week. Even hard truths can be told kindly and gently. I suppose I could even use the law of kindness with my family although that is a little harder. I wonder if I could even see what they do right instead of what they do wrong. I think I will try it this week.

Suffering may be normal but I still hate it and I am not so sure I will ever learn to rejoice in it. I have some dear friends going through suffering right now. I know God is good, and just and righteous. I know that God's word tells us this is all normal, but I still hate it and I still feel overwhelmed at times at the pain of it all. I know it will work for our good and I know that whatever we are going through is worth it, but I still struggle with it. Thank you Pastor Sean for encouraging us this morning on the subject of suffering. I felt fresh and ready to take on the struggle of life again. I needed it.

I love my Monday morning Bible Study. Thank you Debbie for leading us. It is wonderful and I am getting so much from it.

I have a long way to go. I am thankful for my precious, faithful, merciful heavenly Father. I am grateful for everyone who puts up with me. I long for heaven but I do love life. I long to see people saved. I long to see the saved empowered and walking in victory. I am thankful for the indwelling Spirit of God. I will walk forward. I am praying that you will too.

Graduation

2010-05-08T17:32:00.000-07:00

I got to see my youngest daughter graduate from Northwest University today. It brought back so many memories of her childhood, of my childhood. I sometimes say that I loved school and hated recess. I thought about how wonderful it was for her to have the opportunity to go to a Christian University and learn and grow and dream. She is a little sad with it being over and of course it is a little hard to switch gears and start a new chapter in life. I thought about how many new chapters in life we make over the years. I went from going to college to marriage, motherhood, teacher of my children. I always kept myself extremely busy; it was like I felt that if I stopped my life would be meaningless. Today I work, and love it; it is only part time although it sometimes seems more than it is. I thought today about what I would tell the students about life. I would tell them that their lives are important; that they have purpose and talents whether they think they do or not. I would encourage them to say yes to opportunities. I always found that I found Gods will in the yesses of life. Sometimes I would be in the middle of something I should have said no to but I don't regret that. I always learned from it. I would tell them to live as though there was almost no time left because there isn't. Now I'm not saying that Jesus is coming back tomorrow, although that would be nice, but there is very little time for those around us who do not believe. We must seek a sense of urgency as we live and that is what I would encourage. I would encourage them to take risks because I wish I had taken more of them. Mostly I would tell them to make God the end all and be all of their existence. Storms are coming; they always do; and God is what makes the storms doable, who is always with me, who rejoices in my joys and comforts me in my sadness. I would tell them that withot my close relationship with God I would not only be lost, I would be very alone. The good news is that I can also speak these things to myself. I can say more yesses, feel a sense of urgency about life, take more risks and cling closer to Jesus. These are timeless truths that can apply to any age. Whoever you are, whatever stage of life you are in, these are truths you can cling to and appropriate in your life. I loved seeing my Karly graduate today. I know God has wonderful plans for her and am excited to see what she does. I know that she loves God and it gives me peace to know she will never be alone during her storms. Graduation is both an event and a transition and God will be with her as she makes her way in this life.

Sunday Sermons

2010-04-25T21:10:00.000-07:00

I am taking a Bible Study on Monday mornings, Breaking Free by Beth Moore. I am both loving and hating it. Just like the sermon this morning it reminds me of what I need to be set free of and the enormity of it. One of the biggest and most deceptive giants that I need deliverance from is denial and its companion avoidance. They like to hang around me and they are lousy company. Denial lets me know part of my problem while shielding me from the rest. Pastor Sean told a story about when he was a new believer, how well meaning people would point out what he needed to change about himself. He told the story about wearing a Tasmanian Devil tie and a lady telling him it was a devil tie. That story instantly brought memories of a group of my friends and myself visiting a friends home, he had just gotten saved, maybe a month old in the Lord if that, and we dropped by to "cleanse" his home of the bad stuff, you know beer, "bad" music, etc. That story cut through me. I wanted to apologize to PS because who knows what I would have done if I had met him as a baby Christian. I have believed the lie that I am kind when I am proud, too quick to see the speck when the log is protruding from my eye. It was a hard sermon to listen to. I have the High School group on Wednesdays and wonder if I have painted the wrong picture of God to them. I wondered a lot of things today. I prayed much today. While studying for Bible study for tomorrow the subject was legalism which went well with today's sermon. All I could say to God was, I am so sorry, I am so so sorry. I am. I told God again how deeply I love Him and gave Him permission to root it all out. So hard, but so good. Too often when the small voice of conviction comes on me I stamp it out, I turn on the TV, read a book; I have even picked up the Bible. Sometimes I want to avoid my logs. I would rather concentrate on others specks but no more. I have asked God to show me all, to root out every speck that sparks of legalism, every spot that is less than love, every root of pride that needs to go. I do not doubt that the battle will be lifelong but if we are to reach those around us to Christ we cannot avoid who we really are. Sundays are my favorite day of the week but this one was a hard one.

Weeping

2010-04-15T23:40:00.000-07:00

"So David and his men wept aloud until they had no strength to weep. " 1 Samuel 30:4. David and his men had come back to Ziklag and found that their wives and children had been taken captive. Filled with sorrow and probably with fear they reacted with tears. It was only when they had no more strength to weep that it says that David took comfort in the Lord. It was after the reaction, after the tears. Sometimes I think we feel we have to stifle our reaction to the grief and sorrows of life. We feel we need to be triumphant even in the pain we experience. When we go through our worst we feel like we need to put on a front. But I know that if David, a man after God's own heart, a man of both frailty and strength, wept, and not only wept but wept until he was spent, that it is okay for me not to put on a face or try and be something I'm not. Lately I have been trying to not be quite as dark in my thoughts or in my writing. It is a losing battle. So many that I love are trapped in captivity. Today I was challenged to bring more people to the Lord and I felt this wave of pain come over me. I do not do enough to bring people to Christ. Most weeks I fail to present the gospel clearly. I am grateful that I have opportunity each week to love on and know unbelievers, but I am making so little progress. Tonight I talked to a dear friend who is in deep pain. She does not want to hear about how God loves her, she is beyond weary, she feels disappointed by life and overwhelmed by her life. All I could tell her is that I will not give up on her and that I will be with her through this. What I wanted to do was bring her rest, give her answers, assure her that things will get better but I could not do any of those things. I don't know if things will get better. Earth is such a toss up, and I don't know what her life holds, situationally. I know God loves her. I have seen Him in her life but I don't know how to help her know that. I love her and that is what I can do for her right now. I wish there were more hours to know people, I wish I took hold of every opportunity, I wish I had the eyes and ears of God so I would miss nothing. I wish I understood the reasons for what we go through. One thing I know. If God had not stood with me, I would surely perish, I would be lost and blind, terrified. But God is my fortress, He is my refuge, He has not left me and He speaks to me. I also know that this can be true for all of us. Our circumstances may tell the world that we are not worth effort and are all used up but God does not see us that way. We may walk a path of difficulty and pain but we are not alone, I am not alone, you are not alone. There may be few on earth that understand or know, but our Savior was tempted in every way we are, He was rejected, He was used and left without friends. We can weep over the sorrows and captivity of life but we must trust in the God who saves us to an eternal Kingdom, where weeping will be no more.

Love

2010-04-12T23:56:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I talked about how I learned to love golf and a little about the Masters. Today I want to talk about love. It is so inspiring, and gives one sweet pause to see a husband love his wife. I think that is because we too seldom see such unselfish love portrayed in public. Too often what we see is disappoinment, failure, lust, and betrayal played out in the media. But The Masters this weekend gave us a picture of what a marriage should be and seldom is; how sweet love can be and is to watch. Phil Mickelson loves his wife. This year his wife and mother found out they had cancer. Phil immediately withdrew from golf for an indefinite period. After some time had passed his wife told Phil to get back on the course, as any wife who has had a husband at home for too long would. He decided to play at The Masters, a fairly family oriented event. He and His children played at the par 3 game the day before the tournament started but his wife was not there. In fact, she spent the week in bed, still struggling with the treatment she is receiving. On the last day Phil played the game of his life making two very difficult shots and one nearly impossible one to win. His win was sweet. With tears running down both of their faces Phil embraced his wife who was able to come out to watch him on the last few holes. Their affection was obvious and their emotion deep. It was a beautiful day of sports, one fit for a storybook. An almost miraculous round of golf, a loving family, a man of deep conviction and solid values. We need more Phil Mickelson's in this world, who love God and love their families; who know what is truly important and are willing to sacrifice what they love for the greater good. He is a man whose testimony speaks loudly, one whose words are gracious and whose actions speak volumes. Sunday was more than a golf game, it was a picture of life the way God desires it to be lived and I daresay that their will be many in heaven who saw God in a game of golf and a man named Phil Mickelson.

The Masters

2010-04-11T19:53:00.000-07:00

This week there was this big golf tournament, The Masters. I have learned to love golf over the years but that was not always the case and one of the strangest tournament in my way of thinkng was this one. First off, they play for this hideous green jacket. I mean, that is just crazy, playing for a jacket, and a fairly ugly one at that. Another strike against golf was the lack of teams. I like team sports and the whole individualist aspect of the sport bothered me. It seemed slow paced and devoid of much excitement at first glance.
While it is slow paced I have learned to appreciate the game and I have grown to look forward to The Masters. First, there is so much history involved in this particular tournament. You can't even buy a ticket to it. You have to be on a waiting list, which was formed in 1972. The list is full and no one is being added at this time. A person has to die for another person to be able to get a ticket. Crazy! The course is beautiful, full of flowers, and there is a holiday atmosphere to it. The day before the tournament starts the players take their kids as caddies and play a 9 hole, par 3 course. It is fun to watch and yes, there is a lottery to get tickets to that round. Not quite as exclusive as the Masters, but pretty close.
One thing I love about golf are the outfits. Since they don't have uniforms, and they don't get dirty, the players all look nice while they play. I often tell my husband when one of the golfers is having a bad round it is becuse he picked a bad outfit. Yes, it is slow paced, which is perfect for a Sunday afternoon nap. It lulls you to sleep and even the announcers have hushed tones. You can watch one hole or all eighteen but I guarantee you will rest. Not everyone appreciates having a sports announcer following them. Once, I accompanied my husband on a round of golf and pretended to be the sports announcer, describing his every shot with those same hushed tones. For some reason I was never invited back.
While the game is not exactly spiritual I have been amazed at the sheer number of Christian's who play professional golf. It is a game that takes tremendous discipline and steady nerves. It is a game that is deceptive. It seems like it might be easy. Put the ball in the hole in as few shots as possible. But that simple premise sounds easier than it actually is. It is not like miniature golf. The greens slope and break differently. There are traps everywhere. Rather than being a reaction start, you have a static start. You can't just roar back and hit it, you have to have your stance right and hit in a way that is unnatural to the body. Wait, maybe it might be just a little bit spiritual, in my walk with the Lord there are traps everywhere. The walk feels unnatural and I cannot trust my instincts. My stance, how I do things and approach my day and life are perhaps just a little like some of the difficulties of golf.
The craziest thing about golf? The Master's winner got over 1 million dollars today. We are used to high pay days in sports but here is the kicker, the men tied for 18th place got over 94,000! I have never seen a sport that rewards losers so generously. It is with great difficulty that one becomes a pro golfer but once you get there the payday isn't bad. Of course the expenses are huge also. The Masters may not be named after God but it always reminds me of my Master.
I love that even the weakest of Saints gets heaven as a reward. I am thankful that even when I fall into a trap that I can ask my Father to pull me out. I don't have to try and hit myself out of it. In fact, that doesn't work too well in my experience. I am grateful God gave us sports. I know I hit on them a little hard in my last post, along with a lot of other things, but that was a crazy moment. I love that God gave us so many good things to enjoy, that He loves us enough to give us blessings and pleasures on earth as well as heaven. He is so good to this child.

Talking to Myself

2010-04-09T15:37:00.000-07:00

Last night I was having the strangest conversation with myself. I can always tell when I've had too quiet of a week by how much I talk to myself but that is another subject! It started with me telling myself that I wish drinking were a sin. I don't but I wish I did. I have seen far too many Christian alcoholics in my years. I went on however. I wish that butter, flour, shortening, pasta, heavy cream, cheese and except for small amounts for my tea, sugar were also sinful. Frankly, I am addicted. You may have noticed I did not put chocolate on the list. I think chocolate is good and I get sick when I eat too much of it. I also wish it were against some sort of law to be unkind and that lightening would strike when people tell lies. Not on them, of course, we would all be dead! I wish the computer were never invented. It astonishes me the evil that happens through it. I wish it were sinful to watch television, go to the movies, and be vulgar in music. I wish we could do away with sports and get rid of most school activities. I also, in this conversation, decided that disrespect and anger should also leave. I can't stand what people do to each other and to themselves, especially me. I hate that I get so distracted, by the televison, the computer, a ballgame. I hate that I set my standards so low instead of aiming for the mark God set for me. I hate that I too often worry more about the success of my church rather than the salvation of souls. I want a way to get rid of every distraction and every ugliness that I see. I want a world where children and adults aren't damaged and where I worship God all of the time. I long for heaven, yet live so far from it. I prayed and asked God to forgive all of the wasted time, to set my heart and affections on Him alone. I wanted to say it wouldn't happen again, but could not. I have not written much lately. My heart has been heavy and I want to walk in joy and confidence. Part of me was just kidding about the things I'd get rid of and some of it I was dead serious. I wish my distractions would just vanish instead of just having to deal with them. It would be easier if eating cake were akin to commiting murder. Maybe I could quit or maybe I am just fooling myself. I feel like I love God so much but I see how flawed this love of mine is. I am so glad for new mercies every morning. I am so glad I serve as flawed among the flawed. I am so thankful that God uses the weak because I fit that description. Amazing Grace.

Baptism

2010-03-21T22:31:00.000-07:00

One of the girls in my youth group got baptized today! What joy! And that joy was multiplied with many others who stood up and declared publically their faith in Christ and their desire to live for Him. It got me thinking about our mission as believers. Leticia, the girl from my small group shared on Wednesday her desire to be married to God and to serve Him and Him alone. I was touched beyond words and I am so hopeful for her future as she steps out to walk with God. I have a dream that this will be the start of many baptisms yet to come from our small group. I got to thinking how necessary it is to be intentional about sharing Christ. It is not something that will just happen as we go about our daily tasks. Whether you work full time, part time, stay at home, whatever you are engaged in on a daily basis sharing Christ will seldom happen unless we intentionally make it happen and since it is for that reason we exist we had better be intentional. I know that I need help in this area. So many days I am way too focused on what I am doing or need to do instead of what God is doing around me. I find myself more prepared to do my daily tasks than I am to share the gospel. I forget to see, I forget to listen. As believers we must be intentional about seeing the unsaved around us, we must be intentional at hearing God's longing for them to be saved and their need; and we must believe we are here for the purpose of connecting people with God. If our purpose is otherwise then our life is without meaning no matter what we accomplish or create. Baptism should not be a rare occurance but rather a regular celebration and that reality begins with me and with you. We cannot make peoples decisions but we, working with the Holy Spirit, are the only ones who can give mankind the ability to decide. Are we ready?

Mercy

2010-03-11T19:39:00.000-08:00

I know that sometimes I seem less than joyful when I write. I think that is because my blog is where I try and make sense of the senseless, where I share what I think God shows me in the midst of lifes difficulties. It is where I vent a little and fight for God's perspective. Too many people are trying to get through life by hiding in their pain. They believe that if they just lie low maybe things will get better and life will take a right turn but that doesn't happen. It is so easy to get wrapped up in pain and when you lie low or try to hide from it, put on the brave face, for some reason the pain gets worse. God never meant us to carry these big burdens around. He did not mean for us to hide. His plan was not for us to focus on ourselves and our pain by either isolation or self centeredness. His plan is unique and ingenious. Pain dissipates when we look up and when we look out. I spent the week feeling more and more upset with the human race. In my mind I struggled with those who make choices that they know not to with no regard to God or those who love them. I struggled with just the enormity of it all. Hearing one story and then another and then multiplying it over and over and after awhile you see how much misery exists. The joy of the Lord is our strength. Simple words but so true. When I hide His word in my heart and yield those agonies to Him, when I find a way to connect with Him and let all of it out and when I lay my hand on someone who has offended and sinned and struggled and silently whisper, mercy...mercy, it happens. When I do that, when you do that, then the miracle happens. Some who are in pain seek to change the life they have, thinking it will lessen that pain, but it won't work. The remedy for sin is mercy, the remedy for pain is that same mercy. When you combine that with service, saying yes to God, becoming one who denies self and serves others, looking up and realizing that this life is actually a small part of our total life, then you open yourself to the joy of the Lord. There is no greater joy than showing mercy and serving God. There is no greater misery than trying to dig your own way out of pain. The hole just gets deeper. The wound has no way to heal. Look up to the Savior, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross and despised the shame of it, for us, for that healing. You may never have that perfect life while you are here on Earth, but you can have joy and you will have joy as you look up to God, tell Him the all of it, and as you look out to those around you, serve them, forgive them, love them, and say mercy.

Manna

2010-03-08T21:42:00.000-08:00

In Deuteronomy 8 God tells the Israelites that He allowed them to be hungry and then He fed them with manna. Are you waiting for the manna of the Lord? Have you allowed yourself to feel hungry? So often I fight what God is doing with me. I want quick answers and a smooth road. But if I have that smooth road and those quick answers will I ever truly know the Lord? Am I willing to allow God to let me be hungry? For example, when there is no money to buy the thing I think I need to have am I willing to hunger for it and let God feed me in His time. Am I willing to wait or do I take out the credit card or try and find a little job that will pay for it or panic and sell something? Many times what we want is a need but are we willing to wait it out, trust God, and let Him feed us? I am walking through a very slow situation right now. It is not getting fixed and I struggle with trusting God. I just want delivered from it. I just want it over. The past couple days I have been reminded by looking back that God has never let me down and never left me stranded. So I will be hungry. I will let God feed me with manna which is far tastier and better than any fix I could conjure up for my life. I will trust in God's wisdom and refuse to allow my heart and mind to take over and rush things. It is good to put our lives and situations into the hands of a living and loving God who cares for us. I would rather have manna than to feed myself. The reality is that we exercise no real control over our lives. Even the decisions we make will come back to haunt us if we choose outside of the wisdom of God. I want all of God, wherever that leads and whatever that entails. I do want to be fed by Him alone, even on those days when I am impatient for Him to act. Whenever I have placed my life in my own hands I have failed. Whenever I have plowed ahead and not trusted in Him it has led to disaster. God is a very present God, He is a loving God, and He is our hope in every situation and through every wilderness. He can be relied upon. The children of Israel wandered for 40 years in the desert. Their sandals did not wear out and God fed them daily. He can and will do the same for us; we are His beloved children, cared for and not forgotten, sometimes hungry and waiting, sometimes full and satisfied, but in every situation we are in His care. Since he counts the very hairs on our heads we can trust He will not forget our needs.

The Rich Young Ruler

2010-02-28T22:51:00.000-08:00

Well, the Olympics are over. I am a little sad but mostly ready. They kept me company during this long illness I have been struggling with. My last post taught me to never write when I am sick, wayyyyy toooooo depressing! So I have been waiting patiently to get well, not that I have anything profound to share. I just miss typing words. I love to write and I love to read, blogs, books, magazines. When I have a free minute I like to write. I just finished a book titled, "The Big Idea." I loved the whole book but there was one part that especially inspired me. The writer was talking about Jesus challenge to the rich young ruler and he made the observation that what the guy wanted was deeper teaching, not a life challenge. He wanted to get teaching, not instruction. It got me wondering if I am not that rich young ruler. I may not have much to sell and I'm not much for stuff but I think that sometimes I would rather learn some new fact and new insight in scripture rather than be inspired to be transformed. I am so thankful that our Pastor majors on transformation. Don't get me wrong, I learn a lot also, but mostly I am getting inspired to change and learning how much change I need. It is easier to hear a great word than to change my life and habits, but it is my life and habits that need the transforming power of Christ. There are several areas in my life that I am feeling challenged in and I will share them as I go through the hard work of change but I challenge you. What is Jesus calling you to change in your life. What big idea is He speaking into your life? What ministry opportunity is He trying to challenge you with? It is good to study the word of God but necessary to allow it to change us. Hard, but worth it.

Sick Day

2010-02-19T21:09:00.000-08:00

I've been struggling with disappointment lately. It is a hard thing to admit as I try to not have expectations. Expectations of anything except what God has promised only lead to disappointment. I thought today of the many times I have disappointed others and myself, when I have failed to meet the standards that seem basic to me. But that's the point. We cannot meet the mark without God and His Spirit. It is the Spirit of God that commends us. It is the Spirit of God that works good in us. All of our righteousness is dirty. I think of it this way. With my own efforts I may have a good day or two, maybe even three, but then I will blow it and blow it badly. Someone will act in a way I don't like; I will be tempted by that bag of chocolate in the pantry; I won't feel like reading God's word. Sound familiar? It happens so often. I cannot live the way God desires and the way I desire without the Spirit of God. I cannot have the Spirit of God unless I choose to follow His leading. He's always there but I have to choose to yield to Him. Today I was sick. I hate being sick or even admitting I am sick but I am. I did not feel like doing anything so most of the day I didn't but later today I got tired of accomplishing nothing and did a few minor chores. That is how it is when I ignore the Spirit. It is like feeling sick. Eventually I get tired of it and get my heart right and step back into the battle. I am a soldier and when I do not appropriate the Spirit it is like being sick and losing my armor. I fall and the enemy gets control. I put expectations on people who fail me instead of keeping my eyes on Christ and letting Him be enough. I feel the full weight of life's burden instead of letting Christ carry it. I don't like being sick physically or spiritually. The physical will run its course but I need to change direction purposefully to become spiritually healthy. I am thankful the mercies of God take only a moment to receive and are always available to us.

Family

2010-02-13T10:12:00.001-08:00

Kids desperately want parents who show them Jesus. If I could say one thing to parents about what bothers their kids and what turns so many of them from church and from God I would tell them this. Kids know when you don't show them the character of God and in time they will reject God because of it. Now I know it is not that simple, that kids make their own choices and at some point need to take responsibility for their own choices but we don't need to make it harder for them.

Kids want parents who love each other. They want to see their daddy love their mom, even when she is difficult, even when she is less than lovable. You chose her, you chose God, obey Him. Love your wife. They want to see their mom respect dad. Even when dad is making bad decisions, even when it seems he is just another kids to clean up after. Respect him and love him.

Mom's, I believe that Proverbs says that the "law of kindness" is always on your tongue. Are you kind, in your discipline, in your treatment of your husband, in how you talk about others? Your kids desperately want kindness, a soft spot to land in a hard world. Dad's, are you exasperating your kids, are you consistent in your expectations? Do you enjoy them? Do you spend time with them and lead them? Your kids need to see you as a man of God. Are you obviously a man of God or would you have to try and dig up evidence to convict you of your relationship with Jesus? How about you mom? Is your life about Christ or something else?

As parents and as families are you serving God or living your life? Many times I hear the kids on Wednesday night verbalize how they do not want their lives to be ordinary. How they want to make a difference and feel a sense of purpose. How about you? Have you lost that sense of wanting more and don't quite know how to get it back again? Say yes to God this year. As He brings opportunities your way, purpose to say yes. Give up a few of life's distractions and make time for ministry. Your kids are learning how life is to be lived from you.

Life is hard and God is going to allow us to go through difficulties. These are our opportunities to show our faith in God and grow in it. During your hard times are you as parents trusting in God or giving in to worry and despair? Your kids are watching.

None of us are perfect. Speaking of those imperfections, our kids can handle our imperfections if they see us confess our sins, admit them, say we're sorry, and repent and live differently. They will forgive us over and over if that is true about us. Funny how that is what God expects too. You see, all our kids really want is to see their parents follow what God says and put Him first. They may not verbalize that. They want to live in a house where they can experience the love of God. If we give them that I think many more of them will follow in His direction.

As I write this I am full of regrets. I certainly did not do all of this right and I am so thankful that God is merciful. None of us will get it all right but we can all aim for the mark. Even though my children are grown I am still aiming for that mark because my life is His and I so want to be found perfect and complete at the end of my journey. I am grateful for each new day that I can press forward and do better. I am praying for us all.

Looking Back

2010-02-08T21:18:00.000-08:00

I had one of those days today. I didn't sleep well last night so I was feeling sensitive which is never good. The struggles of the last year overwhelmed me and all I wanted was relief. from pressure. from responsibility. from problems I cannot solve that loom over me. I felt weary and tired and so I came home and turned on the television. Bad plan. Television does not make anything feel better. I will tell you what helps. I can tell you this not because I am smart but because God knew this day was coming for me and had my Pastor preach a sermon just for me on Sunday. Pretty amazing. He preached about the importance of looking back. I remembered this rather late this afternoon and in obedience to that word I looked back. I looked back on all the times God has been faithful to me. I looked back at the way He saved me. I looked back at what I was before Him. I have written before about how I love the parts of the Bible where the Children of Israel marked the great events God did in their lives by building an altar of stones. In this day, when life is so hard and sin grows worse and worse, we need to build those altars. We need to look back and remember that we are not the same as we were, that God is building us into a holy people for His own possession. We need to remember His goodness. Whether it is a bad day, a bad month, or a bad year, we have good things to remember and to give us hope. I'm not sure what the year has in store for me but glancing back at the past, I know I need not fear. He is with me. He is faithful. His mercies never cease.

He is Enough

2010-02-06T22:26:00.000-08:00

I decided to wait a week before posting a post-fast blog. I wanted to be able to gauge better what happened in my life and how the experience affected me. I am sorry to say that I noticed my appetite coming back today. I had enjoyed not being able to eat much all week and was hoping it would last. I wish I had some momentous insights to share but the biggest insight I came away with came from last weeks sermon. God is my reward and He is enough. Whatever your circumstance in this moment, He is enough. Whatever happens this coming week, my God is enough! For my children and husband, He is enough. When I am afraid, He is enough. I serve the God of the universe, creator of all and He is enough! Fasting is not a formula and I am still waiting for God to answer many of my prayers, but He is enough. I believe Him for big answers still. I am waiting expectantly still. God will not be put on a time limit. He asks that I trust Him to be enough and I will, Lord help my unbelief. God is God. His thoughts are not my thoughts. His ways are not my ways. He is big enough to handle all my stuff and all of yours too. I need some miracles. I am waiting. I believe. He will answer in due time. He is enough.

Almost Done

2010-01-29T00:13:00.000-08:00

I am so thankful for these past three weeks. They have humbled me and shown me how far I have to go before I reach the mark God has for me. I went through a cycle over this time. The first week I began excited and ended feeling sick and achy. I would try and pray and feel like I wasn't getting anywhere. Week two I felt better physically and found myself no longer caring about food, at least not as much. That was the good news. The bad news is that I felt that every time I prayed it was a battle. I felt irritable and like I was fighting something. I was very unsure and the only way I could pray with any conviction is when I was praying that everyone elses prayers would be answered so that was my focus. I found myself avoiding God at some points in the week. It was a difficult space and I was glad when the week ended. This week my hunger came back. I am not sure if it was hunger or if I could feel the end was near and so thought about food too much. I felt more temptation this week. It seemed as is I was fighting a "what's the use" type of attitude. Since the fast started I have gone through a couple of personal disappointments and battling some personal demons. It has been hard; much harder than I expected. Not the food part, but the spiritual battle. I feel drained when I expected to feel energized. The good news of this week is that I dug in and prayed. I didn't always feel the presence of God but I pressed through. I turned off the TV for the most part and prayed and read. I needed God's word and I needed the words of a book I was lead to read. Together they helped me get back on track. Tonight I spent a wonderful time in prayer and then listened to a message over at the Mars Hill site. While the message was convicting it also pushed me to want to work harder and draw closer to God. I am still waiting for answers to the prayers I wrote down as my focus and I am hoping for some of those answers, but regardless God has been hard as work on me through this process. This is and has been a transforming experience and although I would not have said so last week, it is an experience I do want to repeat.

Daniel Fast-Believe

2010-01-22T23:51:00.000-08:00

I was reading about the Children of Israel in slavery in Egypt. Moses has just told Aaron his brother and the rest that God is going to deliver them. He confirmed his words with signs and I love what happens next. Verse 30 and 31 of Exodus 4 say that when Moses told them God was concerned for them and saw them in their misery, they believed, they bowed down, and worshipped. How good that they believed God and did not question why they had to suffer or whether God was good. They just believed and they worshipped. I sometimes fall short, especially on the "not questioning" God part. I see the misery and wonder why. I have to say that seeing the earthquake in Haiti has made me have moments of wonder even though I know it is a good wake up call for all men and it is a great opportunity for the gospel. But it is hard to see misery and suffering. The earthquake gave me perspective while I am fasting. I could watch the news and see people who had nothing to eat or drink and nowhere to call home and I could be grateful for my beans and my vegetable soup. I could thank God for my water and grapefruit juice. I am so grateful for a place to call home. We are so blessed. I am thankful to be able to take time to bow down and worship. I am no better or worthy than anyone else and it is only a matter of location on earth that I am so well off and not homeless due to an earthquake. But whether I am blessed with much or in the middle of disaster God is good and He is not willing that anyone perish. He does not afflict us willingly but only to draw us to Himself. The gospel is being spread and is going to be spread in a greater way in Haiti, at least for a time. Let's remember to do good and spread His gospel where we are. Let us remember daily that God is good and sees what we live with. Let us remember to hear the voice of God and believe it, every day.

Daniel Fast Day 9- Starving and Feeding

2010-01-19T22:16:00.001-08:00

"Stop feeding what you want to die, and starving what you want to live." What more can I say. It is so much easier to relax in front of the TV or watch a movie than read my Bible or spend time in prayer. It is so much easier to grab McDonalds than to actually cook. I read the above quote on another blog I read sometimes and it literally took my breath away because it is so true. We pick what is easier over what is better. I am so thankful for this fast, even when I am grumbling about it. It forces me to think about how I am living, how I am spending my time. It has shown me up close and with no way to wiggle around it just how addicted to food and eating what I want to eat that I really am. It gives me a chance to feed what I want to live, to draw close to God and to take inventory of my life in this new year. As for today, I suggest not eating vegetable soup every day (minus one), for a week! Tonight I got sick of it and just a few minutes ago fixed a veggie burger, plain of course. It tasted wonderful. Again, I wonder if I am feeding what I shouldn't. I want to get past even worrying about what I eat. I would have failed the manna test for sure! I am still praying that by the end of this time I will not care so much about food and that I will see the power of God revealed in answered prayer. Let me know your answers to prayer fellow fasters. It is so encouraging to hear what God is doing!

Daniel Fast Day 7: Not willing to stay the same

2010-01-17T19:38:00.000-08:00

Sometimes when I am in church it seems that God talks to me about different things than what the sermon is actually about. We have been fasting for one week now and I have harbored a fear deep inside me. What if I go through the fast and nothing happens in my life? What if God does great things in everyone else and nothing in me. You see I am very unwilling to live my life the way I always have. I want so badly to see and experience the power of God. In fact, I think I would be thrilled if God answered everyone elses prayers except mine. That would still be powerful. But I still want to change. There have been a couple days when I felt free from the bondage of food but then a day like today comes along when I wake up dreaming about bread. I cannot believe the grip food has on me. I also long to see a breakthrough in my group of High Schoolers on Wednesday night. I so want them to believe in God and know that He is good. So many of them have not had much good in their lives and they cannot see a good God. They are afraid that if there is a God He is not good. I know better but I cannot make them see. Only the Spirit of God can do that. There are also things I want in my family, mostly that we would all serve the Lord with passion and not be distracted. I want so much. I long for so much. Sometimes I feel paralyzed and afraid that it will never happen. Faith is believing what we cannot see, hoping for what is not yet. Today I felt certain that God does not want me to be satisfied with the way things are. He wants me to be unwilling to accept anything but His answer. I feel assured that what I am praying for is His will. I also feel assured that part of the answer to my prayers is being unwilling to live like I always have and being willing to risk a life of faith. It is not about performance. It is about commitment. Those of you who are fasting with me, We've made it through a week!! Let's press forward and see what God does.

Thoughts on a sick day.

2010-01-15T22:36:00.000-08:00

Today I was sick, yucky, icky, sick. This evening I feel better but for most of the day I felt miserable and guilty because nothing on my "to do" list was getting done. At least being on the fast was not a problem as I did not feel like eating much. The truth is, I am getting a better attitude. I am enjoying the feeling of not being excited about the whole food process. It is a good place to just eat because you are hungry, not because it is necessarily something you want. Eating without it being recreational is good for me. I am starting to focus less on what I am giving up and more on the important part of the Fast, drawing near to God. Oh, how I long to change, to be who he wants me to be. I am so well aware that I am not young anymore and that time is something I cannot afford to waste. At times I feel envious of you that are young and I want to beg you to use your life for God, give it all to Him. I am praying that all of us will be set free from the bondages that keep us so tied to this earth. He made us to be "strangers and aliens," to resist putting down roots. When Abram was called it was a calling to a land He knew not, to a place not on a map, called to simply obey, by faith. His calling is ours, we set out, by faith, commiting our life to Christ, not knowing the direction we are going, not knowing the path or even what we are to do. I have an idea for the new year. Let's say yes. Let's embrace ministry opportunities and quit worrying about whether it is the right direction for us or not. Now, I must add a small disclaimer, if after prayer you hear a definite no, then obey that. But, if you are having trouble hearing God's voice and you are wondering what you should be doing with your life, I suggest saying yes. Let's live actively for Christ, actively seeking a new country, the Kingdom of God, bringing as many with us as we can, helping them grow in the grace and mercy of God until we all go to our true home.

Daniel Fast, Day 4

2010-01-14T10:58:00.000-08:00

I would like to know how Daniel was able to be "fatter" of face after his Daniel fast. It does not seem possible and I will be very disappointed if that is the outcome of my face, thank you very much. Okay, so we are as a church fasting and it is hard for some and easier for others. For me it is like I have an easy day and then a hard day. Today I can tell is going to be hard. I woke up feeling very hungry but not wanting to eat. I did not want to go off the fast. That is not a temptation, at least at this time, but I did not want to eat what I had. Then I got to thinking about those people in Haiti that have been devastated by the earthquake and how most of them did not have much to begin with. I am pretty sure they would be delighted to eat what I can eat and what I have in my cupboards. I think I am seeing that I am pretty spoiled and that I don't really know what hunger is. Last night at Life Trek I was so encouraged by what our leader, Andy, shared at our leadership meeting. He is fasting and struggling with the irritability, fatigue and other things that we are all dealing with. But he shared how God is moving at his workplace and how God has been moving him to speak to people. It encouraged me to believe God for great things during this time with Him. It encouraged me to quit thinking about the food part of the fast and concentrate on the God part. I slipped a little this morning when I got up so hungry but I did go straight to prayer before I ate. I want to see God move in our church and in the lives of my brothers and sisters in Christ. I believe it will happen. I want to see the kids I minister to on Wednesday nights come to the Lord and am tired of waiting. I need to see the power of God in my own life and in the lives of those around me. I am grateful for this time of fasting and prayer, even on a hungry Thursday morning.

Daniel Fast, Day 2

2010-01-11T19:59:00.000-08:00

I am such a wuss. I woke up thinking about chocolate cake. I don't even like chocolate cake all that much. It is like if I know I can't have something I want it. By the end of today I felt filled with anxiety, had a headache and wanted to sleep. All this after one day of a Daniel Fast. A Daniel fast is a fast where I can actually eat. I am not deprived at all but you wouldn't know it by how I was feeling. When I got home today I was feeling so anxious. I started cleaning like crazy (a good thing) and I ate some salad while I made my dinner of rice and veggies. At some point it dawned on me, duh, that this fast is not just about not eating but it is about drawing near to God. I put everything on hold, got down on my knees and prayed. I prayed over my list we all put together of things we desire to see God do. I confessed how far from holy I am and how sorry my attitude is. I asked God to forgive me and help break the chains of food and every other chain that binds me and keeps me from the place God has for me. I thanked God then, for his mercy which I need in abundance. I asked forgivness for my pride that so often thinks so much better of itself than it should. I asked God to help me through this. If you are on this road with me I am sure you are doing better. I have struggled with food issues my entire life. But I also know that unless we give equal time to the prayer part of fasting it will all be for nought. After praying I felt like a weight had lifted off of me. He is so good! I am praying that we see the power of the Spirit released, the only power that will break our chains, that we will forge deeper commitments to our God and know Him in a way we never have before, and that our church will grow and prosper.

Daniel Fast 1

2010-01-10T21:26:00.000-08:00

Today at sundown I started a new adventure. Our Pastor has called our church to a Daniel fast for the next 21 days. At first I was very excited and was encouraged by the enthusiasm of my family. I prepared my kitchen and figured out how I would manage it. As time got closer I found myself thinking about modifying it here and there. I kept trying to find ways to make it a little easier. You see, I feared failure. I feared startind something that I would not be able to finish. I feared letting down the people around me and more than that letting the Lord down. I was so encouraged by the sermon this morning. The battle is the Lord's always. It is not about my perfection. I'm not and the truth is that I might fail. I don't want to. But like Pastor Sean said this morning I can either get right back up when I fail or continue flailing on the ground in failure. In the past I have been more of a flailing on the ground type of person. That is where my fear was. Having the freedom to get right back up and go on set me free to get excited again. I am excited to see what God will do. I need Him to do some huge God-sized things for me and for my church. I am excited because I have never successfully fasted for more than one day before and I am ready for food to lose its control over me. I am excited because I long to see God work and to hear all the testimonies that I know are going to come. I am hoping I make the 21 days without a bump but I am so thankful that God took the fear of that bump away so that I can do this, not as a test I have to pass, but as a privilege I get to participate in. I will try and blog about how it is going and what God is doing from time to time as the month goes by. For now, I go forward through life without chocolate and caffeine free!

Regrets, Part 2

2010-01-08T17:59:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a first Thursday of the month which means I get to be a mentor mom at Mop's. I love Mop's and wish I had known about it when my girls were pre-school age. Being as my girls are five years apart I could have been there forever! As it is I love being with the young moms now and learning from them. They are supposed to be learning from me but I guarantee that I am the one doing the learning. I have been thinking about regrets this week and had determined not to waste any more time on past mistakes, but, there I was at Mop's listening to young mom's who are making decisions that I wish I had made years ago. I love their confidence and enthusiasm for life and love to hear about what they do that gives them all of their energy. Of course being young helps but I discovered several things while listening at my table this week. They are physically fit. I am coming to see how tied together physical and spiritual fitness are. These ladies at my table run, some of them marathons. They play tennis, they walk and they chase after toddlers. I wish I had done some of that when I was younger but in keeping with my determination to not dwell in the past I just came home from work that day and went walking for a mile. ( I am out of shape so a mile is pretty good for me) They make time for friends and help each other. Some of the ladies at my table watch the children of the others so that they can work or get to appointments. I can tell they talk to each other and make time for one another. When I was younger I did not have a group of young mom's for a support system and I am so glad they do and that they appreciate it. I slipped a little and felt that deep regret of not forming those solid friendships when I was a young mom. It would have helped me be a better person and a better mom. I felt the weight come upon me again and had to pray this time to get rid of it. I could not exercise this one away! It seems that when God is dealing with me in an area of life, like wanting to live in the present and not in the past, he gives me opportunity to make a choice. Like yesterday, He allowed me to make the choice to dwell on past regrets or to move on and determine to make different choices now. I did feel that regret and was kind of in a funk all day but then I remembered what the lesson is about. God cannot teach me to live in the present without giving me the choice. He had to allow me to be in the position of taking hold of those regrets in order to let me choose not to. It is like deciding to give up chocolate. It would be easy if all the chocolate on earth would just disappear, but no, instead we have to actually decide not to eat it. I cannot grab hold of the joy God desires me to have in this present life if I live in my past decisions. That is why Paul made a conscious effort to put his past behind him. It is how David could be a man after God's own heart after commiting murder and adultery. It is how this "chiefest" of all sinners can walk forward, knowing that all of my sins of the past are banished, never to be thrown at me again.

Regrets

2010-01-06T18:01:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the regrets I carry keep me from moving. Regrets are like weights. They are heavy, and like a weight are hard to get rid of. I am way too fond of looking back at the would of, could of, should of's of life and not so good at asking what I need to do today. I try. I ask God for direction and for guidance. There are times when I move forward and do as He directs. But there are those other times when I am hampered by what I have missed and how much farther along I should be on this road God has given me. One of my resolutions for the year is to not let regret paralyze me. I don't want to be sidelined by past failure. Paul was so wise to "forget what was behind." Jesus knew what He was doing when He told the woman "Go and sin no more." They knew that one of the secrets to effectiveness in the present is to walk forward from the past, to let it be the past. It is hard at times. Some of the fallout of those past regrets may be a constant reminder of the past. That fallout also needs to be placed in the present. Consequences of past failures are to be given to God. We are to trust that the God who is All Powerfull can work out those consequences for His Glory, redeem them. We are set free from our past failures in Christ, whether those failures happened before or after we were saved. The same sacrifice for sin covers and forgives our failures. I know in my mind that I should live with no regrets. I know that God has forgiven me of everything and that my time is fresh and redeemed for Him. I know that He is working, even in those situations borne out of my failure. He is so precious, such a Savior, the great Redeemer. He is in our present and has forgiven our past. Let's surrender all of our today's and tomorrow's to Him and cast out all of our yesterday's. Let's walk as the redeemed, forgiven, cleansed believers that Christ says that we are.

Crouching at the Door

2010-01-02T10:40:00.000-08:00

I don't always start the new year at Genesis but this year it seemed good. I was in need of feeling that sense of beginning, of creation. While reading today I was struck by the story of Cain. When he offered his sacrifice and it was unacceptable he was downcast. In other words he felt rotten. Whether that was because he actually wanted to please God or he just felt it wasn't fair only God knows. What struck me was the way that God responded. He reassured Cain that if Cain did well his sacrifice would be acceptable. Then He warned Cain. Sin is crouching at the door. It desires to have you. You must master it. Three very true and sobering statements, as true today as they were for Cain. First God reassures us. He wants us to be in the Kingdom, to walk with Him. He wants us so much He sent His Son as the only Acceptable Sacrifice for our sin. Unlike Cain we have a sacrifice made that is sure and acceptable. It is ours for the taking and like any sacrifice for sin it is free and costly. It is free, we cannot pay for it or earn it, we cannot make it better or somehow more acceptable. It is costly, we give our lives and our wills to the Savior. We should see the cost as small as God loves us and wants our best but it is hard think for the flesh to turn over control. It is the war we fight daily between the flesh and the Spirit. But God is rich in mercy and accepts our repentant hearts when we blow it and casts our sins into the deepest part of the depths, not to be fished out. But God's warning is for us also. Sin is crouching at the door and when it comes in it brings death as Cain would learn. Sin starts small, cutting corners, small lies, a lingering look, a harsh word....Sin grows until it is stopped. The only stop for sin is repentance. That is where the words "you much master it" come in. While we cannot overcome sin ourselves we must repent of it and put it to death. The mastering comes when we renew our mind with the Word of God daily, the mastering comes when we avoid, run from, and turn from every thought that would lead us to sin, from every situation that causes us temptation, every UnGodly influence that invades our life. It is serious. God takes sin seriously. Yesterday may have been a fresh, new year but in my house sin was lurking at the door and I did not master it well. I was irritable and said things that I regret. I am thankful my family was gracious to both put up with me and forgive me. I am thankful that like New Years day today is a new day, a new day to serve the God I love so much, a new day to love my neighbor, a new day to love my family, and a new day to master that sin that still crouches at my door.

Thoughts at the end of a Year

2009-12-30T00:31:00.000-08:00

Towards the end of the movie "The Green Mile," right before his was going to die, the hero of the story talks about how tired he is, how tired he is of how people treat one another, how tired he is of fighting evil, tired of being alive. His words resonated with me at that moment. I could feel the weight of what he spoke of. Life is tiring. It is a weight at times. We live in a fallen world and yet we often expect things to get better, we somehow think that life will get better. We forget there is an enemy who has not yet been put away. He is defeated but still roams around destroying on borrowed time. We saints of God are the fortunate ones. We know the joy of forgiveness, feel the nearness of heaven, know that the weight of this world is a temporary one and that we share the load with God. Can you imagine the pain that is in this world? There is the pain of carried sin and the guilt that goes with it, the pain of the consequence of bad choices, the pain of the bad choices of others. I thank God that the Holy Spirit is at work still drawing men out of the mire of their pain. I am thankful to be a small part of that work and that I can dedicate myself to that battle. It is nearing the end of the year, a time for new beginnings. As a believer I can be sure of my calling. It is two fold. First, I am to Love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength. What an honor that is and what power there is in that Love relationship. The second is that I am to love my neighbor as myself. When I love God it pours out to those I am in contact with. I need to see them saved, I need to love them, I need to minister to them. I need to be that picture of Christ that will make the difference. Who is my neighbor? Anyone I see, anyone I come in contact with, anyone God places in my heart. My neighbor is sometimes nearby and sometimes on the other side of the globe. My neighborhood is anywhere and everywhere there is need. This year I want to dedicate myself afresh to my neighborhood and to my God. I want to be a better neighbor and a better child of my King. As I put together some resolutions for the year (yes, I do that), I want those resolutions to reflect the calling God has given me. I hope you will join me and together we can make a fresh start this New Year.

How are you Handling Life?

2009-12-08T20:19:00.000-08:00

How are you handling life? This seems like a simple question but is actually complicated. Life has lots of facets to it. Today I talked to two dear people who are walking through pain and darkness. My heart broke for them and their two very different situations. They got me thinking about how I handle darkness. How do I walk when life throws pain and sorrow at me? How do I navigate when it feels like God is silent? I ask this because this world is watching us. Our families, our neighbors, and collectively all people are watching us. I like to think that they are hoping we will not disappoint. I believe that people want more than this life, that they long for God. Most of us handle the small things well, slow traffic, late people, missed appointments. What do we do when our world falls apart, when our marriage suddenly crumbles, when we lose a child, when those around us walk away from Christ? What happens then? As believers we are blessed beyond what we deserve. We have access to the throne of grace, We are indwelt by the very Spirit of God, and we have each other. We are filled with a hope that goes beyond this life and because of this we are equipped to suffer hardship as saints. We understand the truth of this life, this is not all we have or all that will be. Those around us are watching. They want to see if we collapse under the pressure or quit when there is no happy ending. They are watching as we face head on, with feet dug in, and set our shoulders to gracefully handle the weight of suffering and pain. It is that standing firm that speaks louder and becomes a more powerful and effective testimony than any mere words. Of course that does not make the suffering less, but it does bring purpose to it. How do you handle it when your life feels like it has been struck by a train? It is hard. I know that I covet the prayers of my precious family in Christ. I know that I pray for you. If I know you I am praying for you. Together we make up a powerful testimony that will reap a bountiful harvest. We stand strong as we stand together.

Tomorrow

2009-12-07T22:22:00.000-08:00

I had a bad day. I felt like I was clinging to this edge and was ready to go over. To be fair I am set to move next week, right before Christmas, and we still haven't chosen a rental, and I am not done with Christmas shopping, and very little is packed, and it has been a tough year. On the positive side, well, lets face it, sometimes we don't want to look at the positive side. There is one, but on this day, I want to freak out a little. I think that once in awhile that is okay; at least for today I am going to choose to believe that. Some days feel more overwhelming than others. That is why I am thankful for sleep. It brings closure to a bad day and lets us wake to a new one. Usually I am feeling much sunnier the day after a freakout day, and I am sure tomorrow will be no exception, but just for today I don't feel much like looking at the bright side of things. I will leave that for tomorrow. God knows I need tomorrow and He will bring it. It will be fresh, it will be new, and by then I will be ready to look at things differently. At least I hope so.

What's at Stake?

2009-11-29T16:34:00.001-08:00

I'm watching an old Christmas movie, one of those adaptations of Dickens Christmas Carol, and enjoying the warmth of the heater on this chilly day and the familiar story. While watching the ghost of Jacob Marley I was struck with the line, "Don't you understand what's at stake?" It reminds me of how little I keep my mind focused on what's at stake in this life and with humanity. Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. It is a good day to reflect on what has been so graciously provided to me by God and this year was no exception. It was a busy day but I was still overwhelmed by gratitude at what I have, the people I am privileged to know and love, and the opportunities I have each day to serve God. But one thing I don't do nearly often enough is to reflect on what is at stake. For each bad decision I make someone besides me is affected. With each wrong turn I have to struggle to get back on course. Every critical word I speak cuts someone and everytime I give in to moodiness I lose time I can't get back and sink a little from the joy God wants me to have. This list is just what is at stake when I get off track. Multiply that by all who name the name of Christ and we waste what God has given us. The stuff I am thankful for is just stuff. I appreciate it and am thankful for it but it is stuff and can be replaced. Time, energy, opportunities, these are things that disappear. I may get more of them but the results of the ones I waste cannot be realized or brought back. While talking with my Life Trek Youth they all shared how they wanted to live an extraordinary life. They were passionate about it with the passion of youth that still can see all of the possibilities. Well, I don't think God cares how old we are, how much time is passed, or how much we have already wasted. His mercies are new every morning and He stands ready to welcome our decision to commit our all to Him and live extraordinary lives. He can and will use us to rock our world, at least I am counting on Him to do that in mine. It is time for us to wake up and realize what's at stake, to see all the faces around us as God does, people who need Him, that He loves and desires to be in His Kingdom. We have an obligation and a privilege as Ambassadors of the living God to reflect on what is at stake, to know and understand that being lost is real. It is important to let go of our fear, that nameless, faceless beast that keeps us from doing what we know to do and from living the way we know we should live.

Water

2009-11-20T10:47:00.001-08:00

I woke up to the rain pouring down outside. It is an unwelcome sight as I must go shopping for Thanksgiving today but it reminded me of how accessible water is for us, especially those of us in Western Washington! But it is not that way for much of the world. Most of you woke up and took a hot shower, brushed your teeth, drank one of your eight glasses of water we are told we must drink, and made some coffee. During the course of a week you will perhaps run a dishwasher, use a washing machine, and in the summer you might turn on a hose or sprinkler. What if you woke up tomorrow and there was no water in your home and all the water using devices were gone? What if you had to haul all your own water, in fact, what if you had no car and had to somehow get water for your family. An average family uses between 250 and 300 gallons of water each day. That is a ton of water Immediately you would most likely lower your water consumption! But even if you had to haul thirty gallons a day and make it work how would you do it. I live close to a creek but it would still be annoying. Thirty gallons a day would be five to six trips and even though I would luckily only have to go a short distance it would still be annoying. Some of you might have to go much further and then there is the problem of what is in the water! I don't know about you but I'm not sure I would feel safe drinking the creek water even if it was boiled.

Welcome to reality for much of the world. 1.2 billion is a conservative guess. About 5 million people die of water related diseases each year. Now look at your family. It is likely that one of your children, at least, would have died before age five of a water related illness. Which one? In much of the world water is not easily accessible. There might be school for children but they cannot attend because entire families spend their days hauling water, getting food, trying to stay alive.

This is not meant to be a sad story to make you feel bad. It is just a glimpse of a reality that you can help change. When you give the gift of water you are sharing Christ. You are giving a cup of water to the thirsty. My heart has been broken lately for those in poverty. I am realizing that even in my financial struggles I am incredibly rich and I have an awesome responsibility. It is hard to share the gospel without meeting physical needs. Christ never meant to separate the two. We go and share the good news, freedom from sin, freedom from captivity, freedom from living for ourselves.

Comfort

2009-11-12T21:52:00.000-08:00

"Bitterly she weeps at night, tears are upon her cheeks, Among all her lovers there are none to comfort her; All her friends have betrayed her, they have become her enemies." Lamentations 1:2 All of the comforts, our lovers in this life, the things that take our time and money, at the moment of our trial will not mean anything. They will be an enemy of sorts because they robbed us of an intimate relationship with God and now we are not prepared for the struggles of this life. I serve a powerful, amazing God who can do anything. Why would I want to waste my life on fruit that is not eternal and yet I do. Way too often. And the world waits. I have way too much and I care way too little. I said that I was going to try and change that this year and I have started my quest. I am reading the book "The hole in the Gospel" by Richard Stearns who is the President of World Vision. I am encouraged by his story, that it is never too late to change direction and to enter into God's work. When darkness enters into our life temporary lovers, pleasure, shopping, hobbies, business, none of those things will comfort us or protect us. We live our lives in the shadow of the mercy of God and it is His mercy that is our comfort, it is in knowing Him that we can walk without fear.

Wednesday

2009-11-11T23:06:00.000-08:00

Believing in God came easily to me. I don't know why but I'm grateful. Maybe that is why it is so hard to see the kids in my Life Trek group struggle with basic belief. They are so bright and ask such deep and probing questions. Many of them have known little of what we consider a "normal" family life. They struggle to see God in the spaces they have been dealt. I feel angry with the lack of ability I have to communicate the truth of God for them. My answers to their deep and honest questions felt lame and while I inwardly cried out to God for help I felt like I failed. How do you answer a precious girl who asks if she can get a day pass to hell to visit her mom? How do you explain how God will wipe away all of our sorrows when some of those sorrowful memories are the only memories they have of family? I long for them to see Jesus and I pray for them to see them. My words just seem flat. It makes me long for the days I taught the young Daisies and Prims, where young girls believed every word I said. I love these kids and covet your prayers, that they will see God, that they can believe in Him even with their questions, and that God will transform their lives and make them into mighty warriors for Him.

A Rainy Saturday

2009-11-07T10:28:00.000-08:00

I love waking up on Saturday morning to the sound of rain and a cup of tea. It seems right. I guess western Washington is a good place for me to live. Anyway, I was continuing to read Jeremiah and was struck at how brutal life was during those days and at the stubborness of the people. I live on a fairly calm little island here; while I may not like some decisions of government here, it is fairly stable and there is no warring king trying to take over. I have never been exiled to a foreign land. I have not seen the mass slaughter of people I love. That does not mean that those things do not exist in my world. Jeremiah faithfully gave the word that God gave Him to a stubborn people who did not listen to him. He was put in prison and attempts were made on his life. I know that people knew he spoke the truth because he was approached by them to hear what God told him. People would listen and then disobey. I was thinking we are often like that. We hear God's word faithfully preached on Sunday, we enjoy hearing it, we know it is true; then we go live our own lives during the week. It is no wonder that in the 2,000 plus years since Christ there are still people waiting to hear the gospel, there are still captives awaiting their freedom, there are still poor waiting to be fed with both bread and the good news. I am not doing my job. Today I am going to leave my quiet home and go buy gifts to put in shoeboxes to send to poor children. It is a very small thing and it occurs to me that I need to find a concrete way to remember the poor and oppressed every day and not just at Christmas. I will be working on that this year. I guess I want to challenge us to hear the word of the Lord, to obey that word and mission that He has given us, to "lose" our lives in order to look at the world around us. It will take deliberte eyes to see what God wants us to see and deliberate motion to do what He wants us to do. I don't believe, however, that there is anything greater than the peace that comes with the obedient life.

Thoughts on Prayer

2009-11-04T22:57:00.000-08:00

I thought I was going to move next week but now I have to wait. How long I don't know. We had found a house we loved and now I'm not sure it will still be available. I was disappointed. Very disappointed. It made me a little crazy in fact. It has taken a few hours to get back to trust. You see, I like to be in control. I never thought I was one of those control people but it turns out I am. I was analyzing my prayers and could see that I really enjoy trying to help God run the universe. I have great ideas about how I think things should go. The bad thing is that I have quit believing in prayer sometimes. I mean, I do believe God does things and that He works through prayer, it's just that I have so often used my prayer life to give God input into how He should run things I have lost the ability to pray in faith. Too often I pray my list and hardly pause to consider what God actually wants me to be praying about in faith and I expect nothing because when I pray in the flesh I don't get much. God is so faithful. He often answers my prayers but I want more. My Pastor challenged me in his sermon this past Sunday to pray in faith, believing, and to see answers to prayer. Do I really let God be in charge and come boldly to Him? I don't know. I went to the prayer room for awhile to sort it out. I told God how tired I was and how so often I feel like I am trying to carry the burdens instead of unload the burdens. I asked Him to show me the difference. I ask Him now to help me understand how to come boldly to the throne of grace and find that help He offers us, and only He can give, in time of need. It may have been a delayed move that prompted me but this need has been here a long time. I need Him. I need His power, His strength, and I need answers to my prayers. I need to quit praying the list and start praying my burdens and my heart. I want to see answers, transformation, miracles, and lots of other little things. I need to grow close to my beloved Savior and be willing to fall upon Him without reserve, without being cautious and doubting. He has given me His word so that I know His will. Do I live as though I trust Him to give me those things that are His will. It is that I am falling short in. It is that which I seek.

A Long Journey

2009-11-01T21:10:00.000-08:00

I was reading in Jeremiah this week. (I've come to Jeremiah in my Bible reading. I probably would not ever get to it if I didn't read in a somewhat organized fashion which is why I recomend reading in an organized fashion!) In chapter 20 Jeremiah laments the fact that he has ever been born. He is sent to tell God's word to a people who won't listen to him. He is persecuted and hated and weary of being negative. Right in the middle of all his complaining Jeremiah says " But if I say,"I will not remember Him or speak anymore in His name," Then in my heart it becomes like a burning fire shut up in my bones; And I am weary of holding it in And I cannot endure it." verse 9. I love this verse because I get it. Sometimes it is hard to go through life and we want to quit. It makes no sense because God is the very best part of me, He is everything and all and I know He was to Jeremiah also but it still remains that sometimes it seems like it would be easier to just quit. I say "it seems like" because it would in fact be much more difficult. If I quit I would be alone, maybe surrounded by people but still alone. If I quit I love my Savior and I so need salvation. I needed it when I accepted Christ and I still need it everyday. If I quit I lose my life for Paul was right when he said that to live is Christ and to die is gain. I can't quit. In reality I don't want to. What happens is that I lose heart and I don't think that what I do matters or makes any kind of difference. I lose faith that God is working and that His purpose for me. I am pretty sure that is what Jeremiah felt because no one was listening to him or responding. In fact life seemed to get worse for Jeremiah all the time instead of better. He forgot, as I do that we don't always see all that is going on, he forgot that what matters to God is our obedience, not the results of that obedience, and he forgot that so much of ministry requires time and patience. I often forget, I forget when my life seems more difficult instead of less difficult. I forget when it seems I mess things up more than I help. I forget because so often I feel that the strongholds of my life will never be gone. I forget because I long for an easier time. But God is faithful to help me, remind me. Like Jeremiah, I have God's word and the testimony of what God has done in years past. I am surrounded by His faithful witnesses today. I have to say that I am ashamed of how wimpy I am, how easily I get discouraged. What I go through is small compared to Jeremiah. I can't imagine ministering for years faithfully with no response at all. God's word was like a burning fire in him and I relate to that. God is always in my heart and on my mind. Even in those moments of feeling tired he is there and I cannot get away from it. After Jeremiah said those words he continued his complaint. And that is me. I can complain about the futility of serving God while still feeling Him and His words burning inside me. I can both be tired of this life and longing to serve Him better at the same time. Life is an oxymoron of feelings and faith can be hard to hold onto and even more difficult to pass on. It is wearying work and a light burden all at the same moment. I labor each day to enter into His rest and one day I will live in His rest. Life is good, because of God.

Gifts and Talents

2009-10-26T22:23:00.000-07:00

I often say that I cannot draw stick people. That is a reference to my totally non-artistic hands and mind. It amazed me that one set of hands can create beauty while another set of hands that seem so nearly like the other are fumbly (is that a word? i kind of like it). One person can solve all kinds of upper math problems while I am best at simple math on a simple calculator. Another can create music while some of us can barely carry a tune. Why is this? I know it is because of my Father God. He creates us each uniquely and individually and while it may seem that it is because of genetics that is only part of the equation. I have seen singers in non-musical families and artists come from non-artistic backgrounds. While it is true that God often works through genetics, He is certainly not bound by them! Creation is part of His nature and being and He does it all perfectly and looks back on it and sees that it is good. I will praise Him because I am fearfully and wonderfully made! He knew me before I did and has gifted me for the task that is mine. Too often we waste the talent God gives us either by denying that we have talent, envying the talent that is anothers, or by using them for our own benefit and not seeing God as the author of them. For years I denied that I had any talent at all and envied those around me, dreaming of how God could use me if I could only sing or paint or speak. In other words I wasted what I had by desiring what I didn't. While it may be arrogance to boast about one's talent, it is not humility to deny you have any talent. God has given each of us at least one gifting and that gifting coupled with a passion for God can turn this world to Christ and bring glory to God. I know I need to see this more. Too often I don't think what I do or don't do matters, but it does. God says that He has created us for good works that He planned beforehand. It is my job to cooperate in those works and yours too. His plan is not about us getting ahead or getting period, it is about us being and drawing. Being His children and drawing others to Him. Turn your life, your heart, your hopes, your talents, and your eyes to Him and I know we'll be amazed at what He does with them. I think I will leave the stick people to others! God knows best.

Saturday thoughts

2009-10-24T23:45:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is Sunday and I should probably be sleeping right now. Somehow sleeping isn't working. Today was an odd day. I had pulled a muscle on my side a couple days ago so was spending a day resting. I don't really like resting. I am a person who likes a purpose to my day and just trying to sit calmly is difficult. I didn't even have a new book to read so it was hard. Instead of drawing close to God I felt sort of in a panic much of the day. When you are going through a hard time panic can sneak up on you. I had been feeling pretty good this week, thinking all was heading in a good direction but today I didn't feel so sure. I felt almost frightened and I didn't like it. What if the worst happens? I have a friend at church named Terrianne. She has some disabilities from an accident and often says just what is on her mind. You know, those things that we think but never say! This week she was talking about prayer to me and suddenly said that sometimes she doesn't even know why she prays since it never seems to work and God doesn't seem to want to answer her. I am tempted by those same feelings at times. Life seems to be endless and full of trouble. Of course there are moments of joy and the blessings God gives us. I don't want it to sound like everything is horrible but today was a hard day. Terrianne is a wonderful woman of God and I know she was only voicing her frustrations. Her life is very hard and I know she tires of struggle. I bet there are lots of Terriannes out there, tired of the daily struggle, tired of trials that you have no control over, didn't cause, and certainly did not ask for. I know I feel that way. But then I hear it.... the still small voice of God and I feel it.....the gentle breeze of the Spirit. It is then that I am calmed, that I know, I can trust Him, even if things are hard and don't go the way I want them to. He is here, He has not left me and He won't. He walks beside me even in these hard circumstances and He will not drop me. It is then I get refocused, turn the TV off, read the word, listen to sweet songs on my ipod and write this.....and I feel better. Life wasn't any harder this day than yesterday but I got a little off track and had to get back on. Walk on my friends, get your focus back, worship the King, spread His Good News, rest in the knowledge that you are His Beloved.

Struggles

2009-10-19T20:25:00.000-07:00

Nothing to me is more precious than my salvation and nothing more real in my life than my relationship with God. I get frustrated, however, in trying to pass on that reality in my life and in trying to communicate this truth. I struggle as I share what I know to be truth with both believers and unbelievers. Believers, you might ask, why do I need to share this truth to believers? I am increasingly frustrated by the lack of passion and focus by those who are my brothers and sisters in the Lord. I am also frustrated in my attempts to share my love of Christ with my Life Trek group. I know what we all need. I know what the answer to my attempts to share Christ and the lack of focus and passion for God. I know what I need, what we all need. We need the Spirit's breath in our lives. I need, we need, to seek after that Spirit as though life depends on it because it does. I may have that life. I have been transferred from darkness but not all have. I need the Spirit for my own life as well. I feel myself struggling to have the joy of the Lord and see myself sinking as I look at the need around me. It causes me to not want to look and to turn aside from seeing and I musn't. I must have the Spirit's joy and presence in my life if I am ever going to be effective. It is the Spirit that draws men, not me. Without the Spirit I am useless. Too often life just feels like a fight but I know that I not what God intended. I don't want to live as though I am beating my head against a wall. Jesus came to set the captives free. He left us the Holy Spirit so we could continue His work, to set the captives free. I see captives all around me, in church and out. I need, we need, God's Spirit so that they can be set free, so that His house can be full, so that "whosoever will" has opportunity to come.