Weeping

"So David and his men wept aloud until they had no strength to weep. " 1 Samuel 30:4. David and his men had come back to Ziklag and found that their wives and children had been taken captive. Filled with sorrow and probably with fear they reacted with tears. It was only when they had no more strength to weep that it says that David took comfort in the Lord. It was after the reaction, after the tears. Sometimes I think we feel we have to stifle our reaction to the grief and sorrows of life. We feel we need to be triumphant even in the pain we experience. When we go through our worst we feel like we need to put on a front. But I know that if David, a man after God's own heart, a man of both frailty and strength, wept, and not only wept but wept until he was spent, that it is okay for me not to put on a face or try and be something I'm not. Lately I have been trying to not be quite as dark in my thoughts or in my writing. It is a losing battle. So many that I love are trapped in captivity. Today I was challenged to bring more people to the Lord and I felt this wave of pain come over me. I do not do enough to bring people to Christ. Most weeks I fail to present the gospel clearly. I am grateful that I have opportunity each week to love on and know unbelievers, but I am making so little progress. Tonight I talked to a dear friend who is in deep pain. She does not want to hear about how God loves her, she is beyond weary, she feels disappointed by life and overwhelmed by her life. All I could tell her is that I will not give up on her and that I will be with her through this. What I wanted to do was bring her rest, give her answers, assure her that things will get better but I could not do any of those things. I don't know if things will get better. Earth is such a toss up, and I don't know what her life holds, situationally. I know God loves her. I have seen Him in her life but I don't know how to help her know that. I love her and that is what I can do for her right now. I wish there were more hours to know people, I wish I took hold of every opportunity, I wish I had the eyes and ears of God so I would miss nothing. I wish I understood the reasons for what we go through. One thing I know. If God had not stood with me, I would surely perish, I would be lost and blind, terrified. But God is my fortress, He is my refuge, He has not left me and He speaks to me. I also know that this can be true for all of us. Our circumstances may tell the world that we are not worth effort and are all used up but God does not see us that way. We may walk a path of difficulty and pain but we are not alone, I am not alone, you are not alone. There may be few on earth that understand or know, but our Savior was tempted in every way we are, He was rejected, He was used and left without friends. We can weep over the sorrows and captivity of life but we must trust in the God who saves us to an eternal Kingdom, where weeping will be no more.

Love

Yesterday I talked about how I learned to love golf and a little about the Masters. Today I want to talk about love. It is so inspiring, and gives one sweet pause to see a husband love his wife. I think that is because we too seldom see such unselfish love portrayed in public. Too often what we see is disappoinment, failure, lust, and betrayal played out in the media. But The Masters this weekend gave us a picture of what a marriage should be and seldom is; how sweet love can be and is to watch. Phil Mickelson loves his wife. This year his wife and mother found out they had cancer. Phil immediately withdrew from golf for an indefinite period. After some time had passed his wife told Phil to get back on the course, as any wife who has had a husband at home for too long would. He decided to play at The Masters, a fairly family oriented event. He and His children played at the par 3 game the day before the tournament started but his wife was not there. In fact, she spent the week in bed, still struggling with the treatment she is receiving. On the last day Phil played the game of his life making two very difficult shots and one nearly impossible one to win. His win was sweet. With tears running down both of their faces Phil embraced his wife who was able to come out to watch him on the last few holes. Their affection was obvious and their emotion deep. It was a beautiful day of sports, one fit for a storybook. An almost miraculous round of golf, a loving family, a man of deep conviction and solid values. We need more Phil Mickelson's in this world, who love God and love their families; who know what is truly important and are willing to sacrifice what they love for the greater good. He is a man whose testimony speaks loudly, one whose words are gracious and whose actions speak volumes. Sunday was more than a golf game, it was a picture of life the way God desires it to be lived and I daresay that their will be many in heaven who saw God in a game of golf and a man named Phil Mickelson.

The Masters

This week there was this big golf tournament, The Masters. I have learned to love golf over the years but that was not always the case and one of the strangest tournament in my way of thinkng was this one. First off, they play for this hideous green jacket. I mean, that is just crazy, playing for a jacket, and a fairly ugly one at that. Another strike against golf was the lack of teams. I like team sports and the whole individualist aspect of the sport bothered me. It seemed slow paced and devoid of much excitement at first glance.
While it is slow paced I have learned to appreciate the game and I have grown to look forward to The Masters. First, there is so much history involved in this particular tournament. You can't even buy a ticket to it. You have to be on a waiting list, which was formed in 1972. The list is full and no one is being added at this time. A person has to die for another person to be able to get a ticket. Crazy! The course is beautiful, full of flowers, and there is a holiday atmosphere to it. The day before the tournament starts the players take their kids as caddies and play a 9 hole, par 3 course. It is fun to watch and yes, there is a lottery to get tickets to that round. Not quite as exclusive as the Masters, but pretty close.
One thing I love about golf are the outfits. Since they don't have uniforms, and they don't get dirty, the players all look nice while they play. I often tell my husband when one of the golfers is having a bad round it is becuse he picked a bad outfit. Yes, it is slow paced, which is perfect for a Sunday afternoon nap. It lulls you to sleep and even the announcers have hushed tones. You can watch one hole or all eighteen but I guarantee you will rest. Not everyone appreciates having a sports announcer following them. Once, I accompanied my husband on a round of golf and pretended to be the sports announcer, describing his every shot with those same hushed tones. For some reason I was never invited back.
While the game is not exactly spiritual I have been amazed at the sheer number of Christian's who play professional golf. It is a game that takes tremendous discipline and steady nerves. It is a game that is deceptive. It seems like it might be easy. Put the ball in the hole in as few shots as possible. But that simple premise sounds easier than it actually is. It is not like miniature golf. The greens slope and break differently. There are traps everywhere. Rather than being a reaction start, you have a static start. You can't just roar back and hit it, you have to have your stance right and hit in a way that is unnatural to the body. Wait, maybe it might be just a little bit spiritual, in my walk with the Lord there are traps everywhere. The walk feels unnatural and I cannot trust my instincts. My stance, how I do things and approach my day and life are perhaps just a little like some of the difficulties of golf.
The craziest thing about golf? The Master's winner got over 1 million dollars today. We are used to high pay days in sports but here is the kicker, the men tied for 18th place got over 94,000! I have never seen a sport that rewards losers so generously. It is with great difficulty that one becomes a pro golfer but once you get there the payday isn't bad. Of course the expenses are huge also. The Masters may not be named after God but it always reminds me of my Master.
I love that even the weakest of Saints gets heaven as a reward. I am thankful that even when I fall into a trap that I can ask my Father to pull me out. I don't have to try and hit myself out of it. In fact, that doesn't work too well in my experience. I am grateful God gave us sports. I know I hit on them a little hard in my last post, along with a lot of other things, but that was a crazy moment. I love that God gave us so many good things to enjoy, that He loves us enough to give us blessings and pleasures on earth as well as heaven. He is so good to this child.

Talking to Myself

Last night I was having the strangest conversation with myself. I can always tell when I've had too quiet of a week by how much I talk to myself but that is another subject! It started with me telling myself that I wish drinking were a sin. I don't but I wish I did. I have seen far too many Christian alcoholics in my years. I went on however. I wish that butter, flour, shortening, pasta, heavy cream, cheese and except for small amounts for my tea, sugar were also sinful. Frankly, I am addicted. You may have noticed I did not put chocolate on the list. I think chocolate is good and I get sick when I eat too much of it. I also wish it were against some sort of law to be unkind and that lightening would strike when people tell lies. Not on them, of course, we would all be dead! I wish the computer were never invented. It astonishes me the evil that happens through it. I wish it were sinful to watch television, go to the movies, and be vulgar in music. I wish we could do away with sports and get rid of most school activities. I also, in this conversation, decided that disrespect and anger should also leave. I can't stand what people do to each other and to themselves, especially me. I hate that I get so distracted, by the televison, the computer, a ballgame. I hate that I set my standards so low instead of aiming for the mark God set for me. I hate that I too often worry more about the success of my church rather than the salvation of souls. I want a way to get rid of every distraction and every ugliness that I see. I want a world where children and adults aren't damaged and where I worship God all of the time. I long for heaven, yet live so far from it. I prayed and asked God to forgive all of the wasted time, to set my heart and affections on Him alone. I wanted to say it wouldn't happen again, but could not. I have not written much lately. My heart has been heavy and I want to walk in joy and confidence. Part of me was just kidding about the things I'd get rid of and some of it I was dead serious. I wish my distractions would just vanish instead of just having to deal with them. It would be easier if eating cake were akin to commiting murder. Maybe I could quit or maybe I am just fooling myself. I feel like I love God so much but I see how flawed this love of mine is. I am so glad for new mercies every morning. I am so glad I serve as flawed among the flawed. I am so thankful that God uses the weak because I fit that description. Amazing Grace.

Baptism

One of the girls in my youth group got baptized today! What joy! And that joy was multiplied with many others who stood up and declared publically their faith in Christ and their desire to live for Him. It got me thinking about our mission as believers. Leticia, the girl from my small group shared on Wednesday her desire to be married to God and to serve Him and Him alone. I was touched beyond words and I am so hopeful for her future as she steps out to walk with God. I have a dream that this will be the start of many baptisms yet to come from our small group. I got to thinking how necessary it is to be intentional about sharing Christ. It is not something that will just happen as we go about our daily tasks. Whether you work full time, part time, stay at home, whatever you are engaged in on a daily basis sharing Christ will seldom happen unless we intentionally make it happen and since it is for that reason we exist we had better be intentional. I know that I need help in this area. So many days I am way too focused on what I am doing or need to do instead of what God is doing around me. I find myself more prepared to do my daily tasks than I am to share the gospel. I forget to see, I forget to listen. As believers we must be intentional about seeing the unsaved around us, we must be intentional at hearing God's longing for them to be saved and their need; and we must believe we are here for the purpose of connecting people with God. If our purpose is otherwise then our life is without meaning no matter what we accomplish or create. Baptism should not be a rare occurance but rather a regular celebration and that reality begins with me and with you. We cannot make peoples decisions but we, working with the Holy Spirit, are the only ones who can give mankind the ability to decide. Are we ready?

Mercy

I know that sometimes I seem less than joyful when I write. I think that is because my blog is where I try and make sense of the senseless, where I share what I think God shows me in the midst of lifes difficulties. It is where I vent a little and fight for God's perspective. Too many people are trying to get through life by hiding in their pain. They believe that if they just lie low maybe things will get better and life will take a right turn but that doesn't happen. It is so easy to get wrapped up in pain and when you lie low or try to hide from it, put on the brave face, for some reason the pain gets worse. God never meant us to carry these big burdens around. He did not mean for us to hide. His plan was not for us to focus on ourselves and our pain by either isolation or self centeredness. His plan is unique and ingenious. Pain dissipates when we look up and when we look out. I spent the week feeling more and more upset with the human race. In my mind I struggled with those who make choices that they know not to with no regard to God or those who love them. I struggled with just the enormity of it all. Hearing one story and then another and then multiplying it over and over and after awhile you see how much misery exists. The joy of the Lord is our strength. Simple words but so true. When I hide His word in my heart and yield those agonies to Him, when I find a way to connect with Him and let all of it out and when I lay my hand on someone who has offended and sinned and struggled and silently whisper, mercy...mercy, it happens. When I do that, when you do that, then the miracle happens. Some who are in pain seek to change the life they have, thinking it will lessen that pain, but it won't work. The remedy for sin is mercy, the remedy for pain is that same mercy. When you combine that with service, saying yes to God, becoming one who denies self and serves others, looking up and realizing that this life is actually a small part of our total life, then you open yourself to the joy of the Lord. There is no greater joy than showing mercy and serving God. There is no greater misery than trying to dig your own way out of pain. The hole just gets deeper. The wound has no way to heal. Look up to the Savior, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross and despised the shame of it, for us, for that healing. You may never have that perfect life while you are here on Earth, but you can have joy and you will have joy as you look up to God, tell Him the all of it, and as you look out to those around you, serve them, forgive them, love them, and say mercy.

Manna

In Deuteronomy 8 God tells the Israelites that He allowed them to be hungry and then He fed them with manna. Are you waiting for the manna of the Lord? Have you allowed yourself to feel hungry? So often I fight what God is doing with me. I want quick answers and a smooth road. But if I have that smooth road and those quick answers will I ever truly know the Lord? Am I willing to allow God to let me be hungry? For example, when there is no money to buy the thing I think I need to have am I willing to hunger for it and let God feed me in His time. Am I willing to wait or do I take out the credit card or try and find a little job that will pay for it or panic and sell something? Many times what we want is a need but are we willing to wait it out, trust God, and let Him feed us? I am walking through a very slow situation right now. It is not getting fixed and I struggle with trusting God. I just want delivered from it. I just want it over. The past couple days I have been reminded by looking back that God has never let me down and never left me stranded. So I will be hungry. I will let God feed me with manna which is far tastier and better than any fix I could conjure up for my life. I will trust in God's wisdom and refuse to allow my heart and mind to take over and rush things. It is good to put our lives and situations into the hands of a living and loving God who cares for us. I would rather have manna than to feed myself. The reality is that we exercise no real control over our lives. Even the decisions we make will come back to haunt us if we choose outside of the wisdom of God. I want all of God, wherever that leads and whatever that entails. I do want to be fed by Him alone, even on those days when I am impatient for Him to act. Whenever I have placed my life in my own hands I have failed. Whenever I have plowed ahead and not trusted in Him it has led to disaster. God is a very present God, He is a loving God, and He is our hope in every situation and through every wilderness. He can be relied upon. The children of Israel wandered for 40 years in the desert. Their sandals did not wear out and God fed them daily. He can and will do the same for us; we are His beloved children, cared for and not forgotten, sometimes hungry and waiting, sometimes full and satisfied, but in every situation we are in His care. Since he counts the very hairs on our heads we can trust He will not forget our needs.