Laugh

Every once in a while I have a down day but the last couple weeks it seems that they have been on the increase. I  have been struggling with something that I don't usually struggle with. I usually feel  positive about life and lately I have felt edgy and discouraged. While there are some reasons for this (reasons are unimportant), I hate it! Today was another one of those days. I didn't even want to go to church which is almost unheard of with me. Thankfully church is not optional at our house and I followed my own rules. What a wonderful morning! It didn't start our too promising. I started to raise my hands during a worship song and hit Olivia in the face. (I have been laughed at much of the day) But the service was wonderful and I felt a little better by the time it was over. I have lunch with a bunch of the worship team and my kids after service each week. We got crazy and I laughed really hard. It has been a long time since I laughed so long and so hard and it was like medicine to my soul. It was a prescription straight from God and those kids were sent from Him. They are the high point of my week on most weeks but today they ministered to me. Sometimes I feel very alone and today I felt very much loved and cared for. I am so grateful for God's gifts. Who would think that crazy laughter would do a body so much good? God is good. While He lets us walk in the darkness sometimes, His light shines in often enough to keep us on track and to keep us moving forward toward Him. I still have some things to work out but I am confident I am getting there and that I am not alone in the journey.

Thoughts on a Sunday

I have been thinking much about idolatry. This morning’s sermon included a verse I have been thinking about all week. “Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs.” Jonah 2:8 I am so much in need of grace. Too often, when the shadows clear and in the brief moment that I see clearly I shrink at my own sinfulness. I am an idolater. Too often I have tried to localize God; tried to put Him into a box that I desire Him to fit instead of seeing and worshipping Him in truth. I have often sought to domesticate God; tried to believe that I somehow do something for God in my worship of Him, forgetting that He is complete in Himself. I distance myself from God when I blame Him for not doing what I desire Him to do and for “failing” to answer my prayers in the way I see fit. I forget in the moment that He is “all knowing, ever present God” and it is not for the creation to order the Creator. I also fill my time with that which is temporal and useless; spending so many moments on self and away from Him. Yes, I am an idolater and this morning I felt it. I always say that I love it when a message challenges me but this morning I just felt discouraged. It cannot be said that I have been unaware of my idolatry as on many occasions I feel uneasy and know that I am missing the mark. I am so thankful for the Grace of God   but wonder how often that Grace should apply to one who has walked for so long. Will I ever get to a place where I fully walk with and please the God I love? I think therein lies the discouragement. “I will lift my eyes to the Maker of the Mountains I can’t climb.” It feels impossible but I again give myself to Him, amazed that He never rejects me. I will cast off the idols once again that so easily ensnare me and continue my daily walk, praying that He will finish the work He has started in me.

Out of Nowhere

It happened at the intersection by the Red Apple by where I live but it could have been everywhere. Sitting at a red light in my car I thought, "I don't want to do this anymore." We all have those thoughts sometimes. They can come out of nowhere. This day had been pleasant enough. I finished my project of the week and felt good about actually being done on time for once. The people I work with are great and it had been a nice quiet day to get things done, although I like the noisy days also. I had enjoyed Mop's this morning and my brother and his wife were bringing me dinner tonight and he is the best cook I know. In otherwords it was a good day. I sat an extra few seconds after the light turned green, a bit frozen in this thought I was having. By this time I was crying a little and feeling overwhelmed and wondering where all this emotion was coming from. After I turned the corner I quickly asked God to take this mood from me, whatever it was and wherever it was coming from and He did. Almost instantaneously. And He reminded me that I have been through a lot in a short period of time; that He knows and cares; and that He has purpose for me, even when I doubt it. I don't know if you are having one of those days or years but I want to remind you that God does have purpose for every circumstance you are going through and that He knows and cares and is always with you. Sometimes I forget and feel a little alone. It is then He comes and reminds me and that makes all the difference.

Let God be God

Let Him be Lord. It is the hearts cry of every believer that yearns for Christ, that is looking towards eternity and drawing near to Him who loves us so. It is so hard not to cling to this life and these people who surround us. So hard to keep our eyes on Him who holds our life and the life of those around us. Tonight was pure silliness at our home. We laughed at crazy stuff found on the internet and probably at things that weren't near as funny as we pretended they were. It was a laugh needed after a day of feeling anxiety and I am so glad God knew it and let my household of young adults loose. Between scenes of "epic fail",multiple drug references (guess who),poetry readings, and the joy of watching "SingOff" we had a light evening. The trouble is I don't live in a light world and you don't either. It is hard and our own and others pain weighs heavy.  Sometimes I forget that I cannot fix the human heart; I can be rather arrogant that way. I so long for people to be set free, to know the joy of the Lord in the midst of every circumstance. But I cannot soothe my own grief and pain let alone someone elses. Until I allow myself to be filled completely with God’s love, trusting Him in the details that I cannot work out,  I will be searching for this elusive contentment elsewhere – resulting in an empty heart that is full of anxiety and distress. You see, it is not my circumstances that dictate my joy and contentment; it is the state of my heart and too often I do not rest in Him and Let Him be Lord. I don't want to hurt and I don't want to grieve. And I don't want anyone else to either. I don't want to go through separations. I don't want marriages to fail. I don't want children to suffer in any way. I don't want to live in a world with no answers. No one would learn a lesson in suffering from me because I hate it. When I was younger I used to long to take away the punishment of my brothers and sisters because I could not bear it. Letting God be God sometimes drives me crazy. When it seems I wait for years to see the purpose and good in painful circumstances I go a little nuts. But then I look backwards, way backwards, and I see; sometimes it is only a few things but I do see. God does work for good. Lives are transformed. There is healing. I have seen marriages healed and I have seen prodigal children turn around and walk zealously after God. And I realize I don't want to just Let God be God; I deeply desire God to be God; I want Him to continue this "long slow walk" to eternity in my life. I want to be used and grown and stretched along the way. This past weekend I remarked that I was tired of learning lessons but I am not. I am tired, perhaps of the pain but so glad for the personal work of God in me. Let God be God.

Fear

I was  reading one of my favorite blogs and it asked the question, "Are you prepared to fail miserably? I started thinking back over my life and how many times I have played it safe instead of being willing to fail. When I was a sophmore in High School I had the opportunity to spend a year in Japan but plagued by fear I backed out. I have wondered often how my life might have been different if I had taken that risk. Another risk I backed away from was going  away to college. You see, I have always been afraid of people and situations that were in the least unfamiliar. As a young wife I made my husband call for any appointment or business problem we might have. I never made a dctor appointment on my own until I got pregnant. I would either have Bill or someother family member do it. Once I even had a co-worker make me a doctor appointment. Thankfully God takes us the way we are and, if we allow Him, He takes us on a journey, stretches us, and makes us new creatures. I barely remember that girl that I was, who did not speak her first year at community college, who refused to have guests into her home, who would not finish her education because it would have required going away. That girl was so afraid of failing and so afraid of rejection and so afraid of people. Being saved is about more than heaven and more than about forgiveness. It is about life. It is about becoming a whole new person. It is about overcoming what holds us back and using the gifts God gives us. Am I still afraid of failure and rejection and people? Of course; I will always be challenged by what held me back so many years ago. But those things that paralyzed me have lost their grip. Thank you God. That fear did not go away. I had to choose to push past it. Am I afraid of failure? Yes, but I am more afraid of missing life; I am more afraid of wasting what God has given me; I am more afraid of not reaching towards the goal God has set for me. Living without fear does not feel so safe anymore. I would rather feel  the fear and go forward and see what God does.

Psalm 143

Psalm 143

The Highly Unauthorized Cyndi Version

O LORD, in your patience hear me out.

Please help me understand

while I think out loud

in your presence.

Please don't take my thoughts

too seriously,

but help me

as I process some things.

I just don't understand some people, Lord.

I don't.

They mystify me.

I don't understand those

who hold onto and are utterly sure

of their own righteousness;

as their actions and attitudes

stand in direct opposition to your Word,

to the precepts you have taught.

I don't get those

who go their own way; when they have tasted your goodness

and then stray from the road you lead us on.

I wonder why they don't enjoy your blessing.

I can't fathom

how people who call themselves by your name

can be so willful

and stubborn

and critical

and ugly toward others.

It dismays me.

I am getting weary

I long for those days when my faith was fresh

my heart unjaded.

I will turn to you;

my soul longs for your living water

Hear my cry, Lord,

and renew my spirit.

Come, Holy Spirit.

Rain on me.

Flow through me,

renew my dry and barren places

Wash away all weariness;

my dullness

my cynicism.

Draw me near to you;

and let tomorrow dawn

with fresh hope

and renew my spirit.

Walk with me.
Rescue me from my enemy,

 who wants to render me useless,

and from myself,

for I am near a precipice and need you .

Teach me to trust in your will,

for you are my God;

lead me on level ground,

for you are Almighty God.

Silence all doubt,

that I may walk fearlessly;

I am yours; your servant forever

Sunday Thoughts

Today was one of those sermon's that made me squirm. Literally. I wanted to run out, use any excuse to not have to listen anymore. I knew what the topic was going to be and I had a choice. I could have stayed out at the mop's bake sale but I was worried a friend didn't have anyone to sit with and the sale didn't really need two of us during the service so I ducked out. Humility is hard because it is not just about your actions but is also about your motives and even about what you think about. I felt like I was under some sort of test all week. I was sick early on, fought some envy, had to make a difficult decision, alone, wondering if I was making the right one, and then had migraines nearly every day the rest of the week. It was a week I felt very alone which is a trick the enemy often uses with me. In otherwords, I was caught up with me. Humility is difficult to fake. At least it is hard to fake to yourself. I know just how often my thoughts are preoccupied with myself, how easily I am critical of others in order to feel better about my own inadequacies, how easily I can get sucked into feeling sorry for myself, forgetting how much worse it is for many and just how good God is to me. I can't seem to make myself humble or to forcibly throw off pride but I can do those things that can make it possible for God to work His character and attitude in me. I start off every day with the word but I think I need to do better than that. I pray every day, many times a day, but I know I can be more focused and listen much better. I know I can be more careful before I speak and in my actions. The answer is more of Him, less of me. The words of John the Baptist hit home this morning, He must increase in my life. As I empty myself of what is useless and selfish the Spirit of God can fill the empty places.