Wednesday Thoughts

I am not sure why this week started out with me in such a foul state of mind but I decided that today had to be the end of it. I mean I guess I know why it did but I also know that I gave into the mood far too easily and I need to fight back against it. The problem is that I struggle to resolve things. Which is terrible because I get offended very easily. Thankfully if you offend me you will seldom know it. I won't tell you and I rarely will act the part. I will just hurt deep inside and be convinced that the problem is me (which is a good guess because often it is). I don't know if I am making any sense or not. Needless to say, this week started out with a convergance of badness. It was Father's Day and I missed my dad more than I had allowed myself to in years. I am still struggling with making sense out of my husband's passing. I allowed myself to be worried about all sorts of things that will never happen (most worries, statistically speaking, never do), and I managed to get offended. All of this converged on a Monday along with extreme fatigue. But today I fought back. Thankfully God sent me two of my favorite helpers to work and we played and cleaned out the refrigerators and freezer at work and I remembered that accomplishing a task makes everything feel better and young children bring me joy more than the sunshine. Hopefully...just maybe...it will last.

Father's Day

Today was Father's Day...and we didn't have any fathers...at least my girls and I didn't. And it felt harder than most years for some reason. I missed my daddy today. For so many years I would rarely allow myself to think about him. He was gone so suddenly and I was not okay with that. If I didn't think about it then I didn't feel the pain. Today was different somehow. When I went to the store yesterday I was reminded that little Elijah's dad was having his first Father's Day and that I wanted to encourage him to be a good father. One of the reasons it was so hard to lose my dad is that he was such a good father...and I am so incredibly thankful that I had a great dad.  So I got Juan a card and a small gift and I told him how glad I was that he was being a good dad. We made a plan to take him to lunch and on an outing with his son...and that was good. It was a bittersweet day...and like a lot of days I am tired and fighting off the temptation to say poor me and instead to say thank you Jesus...I can always think of what I have lost...we all can...but I know God well enough to trust He has always known what is best for me...and while I may no longer have my dad, I have my heavenly Father and that will always be more than enough.

Of Rats and Toilets and Fear

Tonight I felt done. I just wanted everyone to be saved so I could go home, my home. I have felt a little close to the edge but was managing to stay on the ledge. Sometimes it is a small thing that sends you over. And tonight that small thing happened. I went into my bathroom to brush my teeth and finish getting ready for bed. And it was then I noticed that someone had forgotten to flush the toilet. No, that was not the small thing. So I flushed it, mildly annoyed. And then I noticed that it had not flushed. So I flushed it again. And it was then I noticed. Two paws and a little head. Thankfully dead...but still staring up at me. I am deathly afraid of all things rodent. To the point of paralyzed. And I realized I am alone. (Believe me, in this situation my girls are useless). And I just wanted to give up. I felt beaten. And I know it's a small and silly thing. I went to bed and all I could think of was that I have a car that doesn't work, a broken dishwasher, and a rat in the toilet...and it's the rat that is doing me in. The rest doesn't bother me so much, but that rat. It's enough to make me want to throw it all in. I went to bed and talked to Jesus and remembered a song I learned when I was a young Christian. Part of it goes like this, "One day in your presence is far better to me than gold or to live my whole life somewhere else. And I would rather be a doorkeeper in your house, than to take my fate upon myself. You are my sun and my shield. You're my lover from the start. And the highway to your city runs through my heart."....I still have a rat in my toilet and will until I find someone to take pity on me. And I had to get up. Because when I shut my eyes all I see are rats. So I wrote you this story so you can all laugh at me. But I am comforting myself by remembering that I don't mind spiders and snakes. And I am ready to meet Jesus any time. And there are no rats in heaven. 

A Life Interruption

There are unexpected moments in your life that you wish you could freeze. Moments that teach you that it is good for your heart to be broken and your life to be interrupted. I had a moment this week. A young girl, about the age of my youngest came into the office wanting some help. I had served her dinner the night before at church and for whatever reason I felt a connection to her. She is estranged from her parents, out of money, out of a home, and living on the streets. I know only the part of her story that she gave me, and I know there is probably much more to it than what she did tell me, but that didn't matter. My mama heart wanted to rescue her in that moment. I would have gladly given everything I had in that moment if I could have helped her, really helped her. In that moment I wanted to have a big house or apartment building where I could just love on hurting people and show them that there is a God who loves them and who is a giver of life and hope. But I didn't have any of that. We helped her. And I listened to her and cried with her and hugged her. I gave her my number and told her I would feed her or talk to her anytime. I  told her that I would love for her to come to church and that it would be a safe place where she would be loved. And as she left it felt like I gave her nothing. I felt such grief. It's not like I haven't been asked for help before or heard sad stories before. I have. But this one broke my heart. Probably because she is so young. Probably because I thought about how this girl is just one of so many, so young, who already live such hard lives. Probably because for one of the first times I felt like I don't do very much to make a difference for those who need it most. And I feel so powerless. I don't switch gears very easily; my heart still hurts and I am praying for this lost one. I haven't told my girls about this because it hurts and I know it won't be the same for them as it is me. But they keep asking me if something is wrong.  I am praying that a part of this feeling stays with me. It is good for a heart to be broken with the things that break the heart of God. It is good to feel powerless and cry out to God for the things you cannot fix. I don't think we were created to live "normal" lives. We were made to glorify our creator and serve Him. And she is one of His lost ones. And I want that to matter...at least to me.

Epic Fail

This past Sunday I was super excited because we were having missionaries visit our church. I love missionaries but I was more excited than normal about these missionaries because they are missionaries I have chosen to support and even though I have never met them I felt a bond with them. The kind of bond that comes when you pray for someone and get connected with their mission. The kind of bond that connects people even when they have never met and never had a conversation. Those bonds that are little known outside of the family of God.  And now I am kicking myself and feeling like an epic failure. You see, I didn't meet them. I have this extreme difficulty in meeting people I have never met. Like almost a phobia. And I hate it. I have become better over the years. I can greet new people at church and I don't struggle with meeting people in my office. But its when I am excited to meet someone and the time comes that they are present that I fail. I was busy and they were pretty well occupied before church so I told myself that after church would be my moment. But the service ended and I froze. I left as fast as I could. I felt all of my insecurities come over me and the moment where I could take the risk and step beyond all of that fear passed. When I think over my life I can see so many moments that have passed because when the challenge came I did not step out from who I was and trust that God could carry me in those uncomfortable spaces. Every year I tell myself that this is the year of taking those risks which must seem ridiculously small to most of you but which loom large in my life. And I do. But there are still the days like Sunday where I freeze and fail and which are followed by the week of regret. Sometimes you cannot go back and get the moment; that is how it is with this. But I am hoping that I learn from it and that I can hold onto and recall this feeling the next time I am faced with going out of my comfort zone. God never meant for us to be limited by our fears but to trust Him and face them as they come. This time I didn't but next time...well, we will see. I have hope.

Choosing Joy

Joy is a choice that I can make. The sad truth is that I often don't want to. I don't want to let go of feeling the misery of my present trials and put on what Christ has for me. This time of year often brings back painful memories for me. It is the anniversary of an extremely difficult period of time I went through in my life. Each year I tell myself it won't be so hard this year and each year I am wrong. But last night Pastor Dale was talking about trials and it helped. He was talking about the daily trials that hit all of us and this is more of a life crisis but it got me thinking. To have joy I must choose it. I must decide that coming out of the darkness is a much better choice than staying there. To be a light in the darkness I have to shine. Seems simple enough but it isn't. Life is hard and when I decide to dwell in the bleakness of it all I cannot be an effective Christian or a Kingdom dweller. I may have a place in the Kingdom but I am living as if I am determined not to dwell in that Kingdom until I have to. For me it is often about trying to make sense of the darkness I have gone through even though there is no sense in it. It is about asking what it was about me that made this bad thing happen and then making sure I am punished for it. It is sometimes about feeling that I don't have a right to be joyful. It is about not wanting to let it go. It is good to remember what God takes us through but it is bad to live continually in things that are already past. I am not sure I fully get what I am writing here but since I truly believe that I serve the God who is enough, and I do believe that, I am going to choose joy each time I catch myself sitting in a dark spot. I will give those dark places that I cling to back to Him. I will offer up my wallowing and choose to believe that life and joy are better and that it is okay for me to take them.

Where's Waldo

I have this Waldo game on my new phone. You know, the guy in the stripes that you have to find. Well, I was sitting in church on Sunday and listening to this really good sermon about how believers need to respond to God instead of reacting to people.  And I was thinking in my head  about how that is true of circumstances as well. Instead of reacting to all of the stuff I have to go through in my life I should respond to God in trust. A little like Joseph when he was sold into slavery, worked himself to a fairly high position only to be thrown in prison. He chose to respond to God; to not question Him and to not only remain faithful but to grow in the faith that he had. And God of course had a purpose for all of it. I started thinking about 1 Corinthians 13, the 12th verse; "For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. " I only partially see when God sees the entire picture. Responding to God in my circumstances is about trusting Him when I don't understand the situation I am in and when I don't know what to do. Responding to people is a lot like that. It's about knowing that whatever people are saying and doing around you that God is in control and that He will help me walk in His love no matter what. There is this part in the Waldo game where suddenly the screen gets all fuzzy and cloudy. They call it a sandstorm and I can't see Waldo and all of the other stuff I am supposed to find...where I  have to find the magic lantern and click on it in order to keep going. I get lots of sandstorms in my life. My life gets all fuzzy and the people around me make choices I don't like and my circumstances seem impossible...and I find I  react to that...instead of praying in faith and trusting God. I pray...but I lots of times don't believe it will make a difference...I don't have a magic lantern that has starry sparkles around it to show me where it is...but I am indwelt by the Spirit of God. I wish God would just give me a list each day of what He wants me to do, warnings about what I am going to be tested in, and when would be the best time to go home and find everyone in harmony. But instead He leads me and way too often I resist. I want comfort instead of stretching. But I read today that my "anxiety is the outcome of the perception that something is happening God didn't design for our good and His glory." (unknown) I also am pretty sure that I like to be in control  way more than I think I do. I don't play Waldo during church. Just want you to know that. I hardly play at all. It's not like the books and requires way too many skills. I just like to find the hidden objects. Most days I think life requires way too many skills and that I have both failed and am failing. But it's probably not that way at all. I am just in the middle of a sandstorm and can't see clearly. For now I need to believe He is leading me through this storm called life, using me to make some sort of difference, and that the problems that to me look insurmountable, well, I know He knows what He is doing and I will keep praying that I head in His direction.