Almost Done

I am so thankful for these past three weeks. They have humbled me and shown me how far I have to go before I reach the mark God has for me. I went through a cycle over this time. The first week I began excited and ended feeling sick and achy. I would try and pray and feel like I wasn't getting anywhere. Week two I felt better physically and found myself no longer caring about food, at least not as much. That was the good news. The bad news is that I felt that every time I prayed it was a battle. I felt irritable and like I was fighting something. I was very unsure and the only way I could pray with any conviction is when I was praying that everyone elses prayers would be answered so that was my focus. I found myself avoiding God at some points in the week. It was a difficult space and I was glad when the week ended. This week my hunger came back. I am not sure if it was hunger or if I could feel the end was near and so thought about food too much. I felt more temptation this week. It seemed as is I was fighting a "what's the use" type of attitude. Since the fast started I have gone through a couple of personal disappointments and battling some personal demons. It has been hard; much harder than I expected. Not the food part, but the spiritual battle. I feel drained when I expected to feel energized. The good news of this week is that I dug in and prayed. I didn't always feel the presence of God but I pressed through. I turned off the TV for the most part and prayed and read. I needed God's word and I needed the words of a book I was lead to read. Together they helped me get back on track. Tonight I spent a wonderful time in prayer and then listened to a message over at the Mars Hill site. While the message was convicting it also pushed me to want to work harder and draw closer to God. I am still waiting for answers to the prayers I wrote down as my focus and I am hoping for some of those answers, but regardless God has been hard as work on me through this process. This is and has been a transforming experience and although I would not have said so last week, it is an experience I do want to repeat.

Daniel Fast-Believe

I was reading about the Children of Israel in slavery in Egypt. Moses has just told Aaron his brother and the rest that God is going to deliver them. He confirmed his words with signs and I love what happens next. Verse 30 and 31 of Exodus 4 say that when Moses told them God was concerned for them and saw them in their misery, they believed, they bowed down, and worshipped. How good that they believed God and did not question why they had to suffer or whether God was good. They just believed and they worshipped. I sometimes fall short, especially on the "not questioning" God part. I see the misery and wonder why. I have to say that seeing the earthquake in Haiti has made me have moments of wonder even though I know it is a good wake up call for all men and it is a great opportunity for the gospel. But it is hard to see misery and suffering. The earthquake gave me perspective while I am fasting. I could watch the news and see people who had nothing to eat or drink and nowhere to call home and I could be grateful for my beans and my vegetable soup. I could thank God for my water and grapefruit juice. I am so grateful for a place to call home. We are so blessed. I am thankful to be able to take time to bow down and worship. I am no better or worthy than anyone else and it is only a matter of location on earth that I am so well off and not homeless due to an earthquake. But whether I am blessed with much or in the middle of disaster God is good and He is not willing that anyone perish. He does not afflict us willingly but only to draw us to Himself. The gospel is being spread and is going to be spread in a greater way in Haiti, at least for a time. Let's remember to do good and spread His gospel where we are. Let us remember daily that God is good and sees what we live with. Let us remember to hear the voice of God and believe it, every day.

Daniel Fast Day 9- Starving and Feeding

"Stop feeding what you want to die, and starving what you want to live." What more can I say. It is so much easier to relax in front of the TV or watch a movie than read my Bible or spend time in prayer. It is so much easier to grab McDonalds than to actually cook. I read the above quote on another blog I read sometimes and it literally took my breath away because it is so true. We pick what is easier over what is better. I am so thankful for this fast, even when I am grumbling about it. It forces me to think about how I am living, how I am spending my time. It has shown me up close and with no way to wiggle around it just how addicted to food and eating what I want to eat that I really am. It gives me a chance to feed what I want to live, to draw close to God and to take inventory of my life in this new year. As for today, I suggest not eating vegetable soup every day (minus one), for a week! Tonight I got sick of it and just a few minutes ago fixed a veggie burger, plain of course. It tasted wonderful. Again, I wonder if I am feeding what I shouldn't. I want to get past even worrying about what I eat. I would have failed the manna test for sure! I am still praying that by the end of this time I will not care so much about food and that I will see the power of God revealed in answered prayer. Let me know your answers to prayer fellow fasters. It is so encouraging to hear what God is doing!

Daniel Fast Day 7: Not willing to stay the same

Sometimes when I am in church it seems that God talks to me about different things than what the sermon is actually about. We have been fasting for one week now and I have harbored a fear deep inside me. What if I go through the fast and nothing happens in my life? What if God does great things in everyone else and nothing in me. You see I am very unwilling to live my life the way I always have. I want so badly to see and experience the power of God. In fact, I think I would be thrilled if God answered everyone elses prayers except mine. That would still be powerful. But I still want to change. There have been a couple days when I felt free from the bondage of food but then a day like today comes along when I wake up dreaming about bread. I cannot believe the grip food has on me. I also long to see a breakthrough in my group of High Schoolers on Wednesday night. I so want them to believe in God and know that He is good. So many of them have not had much good in their lives and they cannot see a good God. They are afraid that if there is a God He is not good. I know better but I cannot make them see. Only the Spirit of God can do that. There are also things I want in my family, mostly that we would all serve the Lord with passion and not be distracted. I want so much. I long for so much. Sometimes I feel paralyzed and afraid that it will never happen. Faith is believing what we cannot see, hoping for what is not yet. Today I felt certain that God does not want me to be satisfied with the way things are. He wants me to be unwilling to accept anything but His answer. I feel assured that what I am praying for is His will. I also feel assured that part of the answer to my prayers is being unwilling to live like I always have and being willing to risk a life of faith. It is not about performance. It is about commitment. Those of you who are fasting with me, We've made it through a week!! Let's press forward and see what God does.

Thoughts on a sick day.

Today I was sick, yucky, icky, sick. This evening I feel better but for most of the day I felt miserable and guilty because nothing on my "to do" list was getting done. At least being on the fast was not a problem as I did not feel like eating much. The truth is, I am getting a better attitude. I am enjoying the feeling of not being excited about the whole food process. It is a good place to just eat because you are hungry, not because it is necessarily something you want. Eating without it being recreational is good for me. I am starting to focus less on what I am giving up and more on the important part of the Fast, drawing near to God. Oh, how I long to change, to be who he wants me to be. I am so well aware that I am not young anymore and that time is something I cannot afford to waste. At times I feel envious of you that are young and I want to beg you to use your life for God, give it all to Him. I am praying that all of us will be set free from the bondages that keep us so tied to this earth. He made us to be "strangers and aliens," to resist putting down roots. When Abram was called it was a calling to a land He knew not, to a place not on a map, called to simply obey, by faith. His calling is ours, we set out, by faith, commiting our life to Christ, not knowing the direction we are going, not knowing the path or even what we are to do. I have an idea for the new year. Let's say yes. Let's embrace ministry opportunities and quit worrying about whether it is the right direction for us or not. Now, I must add a small disclaimer, if after prayer you hear a definite no, then obey that. But, if you are having trouble hearing God's voice and you are wondering what you should be doing with your life, I suggest saying yes. Let's live actively for Christ, actively seeking a new country, the Kingdom of God, bringing as many with us as we can, helping them grow in the grace and mercy of God until we all go to our true home.

Daniel Fast, Day 4

I would like to know how Daniel was able to be "fatter" of face after his Daniel fast. It does not seem possible and I will be very disappointed if that is the outcome of my face, thank you very much. Okay, so we are as a church fasting and it is hard for some and easier for others. For me it is like I have an easy day and then a hard day. Today I can tell is going to be hard. I woke up feeling very hungry but not wanting to eat. I did not want to go off the fast. That is not a temptation, at least at this time, but I did not want to eat what I had. Then I got to thinking about those people in Haiti that have been devastated by the earthquake and how most of them did not have much to begin with. I am pretty sure they would be delighted to eat what I can eat and what I have in my cupboards. I think I am seeing that I am pretty spoiled and that I don't really know what hunger is. Last night at Life Trek I was so encouraged by what our leader, Andy, shared at our leadership meeting. He is fasting and struggling with the irritability, fatigue and other things that we are all dealing with. But he shared how God is moving at his workplace and how God has been moving him to speak to people. It encouraged me to believe God for great things during this time with Him. It encouraged me to quit thinking about the food part of the fast and concentrate on the God part. I slipped a little this morning when I got up so hungry but I did go straight to prayer before I ate. I want to see God move in our church and in the lives of my brothers and sisters in Christ. I believe it will happen. I want to see the kids I minister to on Wednesday nights come to the Lord and am tired of waiting. I need to see the power of God in my own life and in the lives of those around me. I am grateful for this time of fasting and prayer, even on a hungry Thursday morning.

Daniel Fast, Day 2

I am such a wuss. I woke up thinking about chocolate cake. I don't even like chocolate cake all that much. It is like if I know I can't have something I want it. By the end of today I felt filled with anxiety, had a headache and wanted to sleep. All this after one day of a Daniel Fast. A Daniel fast is a fast where I can actually eat. I am not deprived at all but you wouldn't know it by how I was feeling. When I got home today I was feeling so anxious. I started cleaning like crazy (a good thing) and I ate some salad while I made my dinner of rice and veggies. At some point it dawned on me, duh, that this fast is not just about not eating but it is about drawing near to God. I put everything on hold, got down on my knees and prayed. I prayed over my list we all put together of things we desire to see God do. I confessed how far from holy I am and how sorry my attitude is. I asked God to forgive me and help break the chains of food and every other chain that binds me and keeps me from the place God has for me. I thanked God then, for his mercy which I need in abundance. I asked forgivness for my pride that so often thinks so much better of itself than it should. I asked God to help me through this. If you are on this road with me I am sure you are doing better. I have struggled with food issues my entire life. But I also know that unless we give equal time to the prayer part of fasting it will all be for nought. After praying I felt like a weight had lifted off of me. He is so good! I am praying that we see the power of the Spirit released, the only power that will break our chains, that we will forge deeper commitments to our God and know Him in a way we never have before, and that our church will grow and prosper.