Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrews 12:1-2
I have been feeling weary lately, weary of feeling so upside down and out of my usual element. I am no longer a wife. My children have all grown up and so I do not feel much like a mother. Lately at work all I can see are my mistakes and there have been plenty. I have noticed that the older I get the more I forget. I used to just joke about it when it only happened once in awhile but now it has been happening with regularity. The more I worry about frustrating those who have to work with me the worse it gets. Sounds like a pity party doesn't it? A few blogs ago I talked about working on my inner narcissism that seems to have crept out into my life. Nicole tells me I am obsessed lately with the word narcissism and I think she is right. I hate being self absorbed but can't seem to find my way out of it. Part of it is I feel out of my element. For so many years I spent my time mothering and being a wife. That is no longer the case and I am trying to plot out a new course and it is not easy. Lately it seems that I have known just the wrong thing to say to my kids, trying to mother them when they are adults. Not a good idea. I miss my husband. Early this morning I was watching something I had recorded and thought about how much Bill would have loved it and that wave that comes overtook me again. It is part of my life. I was reading in Hebrews this week how it is not just sin that hinders. Sin entangles and it certainly hinders but there are other things that hinder. I want to run the race God has given me until the very end and I can't do that if I am absorbed with what used to be and dwelling on how my life has changed and I don't like it. That hinders and it makes me weary and lose heart. I know it does because I feel it. I don't know the answer in entirety but I have made some changes this week. I am spending extra time in prayer and in the Word. I am reading more again instead of watching things that do not profit. It is all I know to do. I am sharing this because we all have things that hinder us that are a little hidden. They aren't as simple as the sin we easily see. The are hidden and need to be ferreted out and dealt with. Because they are not easily seen we must look for them. It is worth it because when we don't we become weary and we begin to lose heart. God needs our hearts to be fully engaged to accomplish His mission through us. He needs our energy to be His and not lost to sin and entanglements. Hopefully I will soon be through this entangled and hindered portion of life and feel much more useful.