Sunday, October 31, 2010


One of the reasons I write is to tell my story. I don't write because my thoughts are more profound than others. In fact I am quite sure that there are innumerable multitudes that write the same types of things that I do much much better. But there is something in the telling of my story that wants me to have a better story. It pushes me forward. One of the guys in our church preached His first sermon today. He did an amazing job and while I listened I thought about how that act will push Him to live a better story. When I was in my middle 30's I was asked to lead a Ladies Bible Study. I was quick to say I was too young, that the older women are to teach the younger women and promptly was told that I had crossed that bridge. Not fun. But the act of teaching that Bible Study did more to push me forward than anyting I had done for God before. There is something about both leadership and writing that make us want to be better,  to be used of God to make a difference. When I write it helps me make sense of the place I am at and what I am going through. When I teach I want to be sure I know what I am teaching, that I am ready to be taught, and that I am in a place where I can follow up with those I teach. For me it is all about serving God. But when I first started out it wasn't necessarily about that. It was about finally having friends, it was about being set free from sin, it was about not feeling alone. God was a part of that but I was just learning. While I was "all in" from the beginning I still did not get what that meant and had a long way to go and of course I still do. But God led me, patiently; He taught me, willingly; He loved me when I fumbled my way around. The one thing that was true at the beginning that is still true now is that my God holds the central place of my life and I have willingly exchanged my previous crummy life for the adventure of walking with Him. Some of you have not exchanged your life for His. Some of you are not pressing forward with your story. I urge you to take some time as you read this and go to God and give your all to Him. In every story of every person in the Bible who walked with God one thing is evident. Their lives forever changed when they met Him. And another thing, they pushed forward and had no regrets. I would not trade one day of my life since I met Christ for one of the days before and I have had some bad ones. There is nothing worse than being alone and lost. Now I have family and am set free.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Just a Note

Sometimes I fight writing the personal in my blog. It feels somehow wrong and right at the same time. Like so many I struggle with wanting to be seen. There is a part of me that wants to get the words right and make it all about me. At the same time I want to hide. I am afraid if I let out my feelings and thoughts I am only opening myself up to criticism. It is a bit of a contradiction; two thoughts -- both wrong. Because I love to write and feel compelled to do so I  hope that the bits of my story and thoughts along my way will encourage and help. Today I was in a mood. I managed to hide it fairly well at work but by the time I got home it overtook me and I had to apologize to my daughters for my shortness with them. As so often happens it is my family who gets the backlash when I am having a hard time. I feel restless much of the time. I hate being gone and I hate being at home. I don't know what to do and the only time I feel somewhat normal is when I am writing, praying, and when I get to help someone. I am trying way too hard to not think and feel. I am dreading the holidays and the winter. I find myself discouraged and impatient and do not like it. It has always seemed to me that if I were close to God I could skip those things but not so. Reading the book of Job again was an encouragement. Going through Jeremiah right now is also. Both are filled with the raw emotions of grief and discouragement. It seems what I know is this. Life is not easy. Loss is difficult. Being honest is challenging. Sometimes my life seems fragmented and my heart feels like giving up. It is then I turn to Jesus and He is always so very good to me.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Thoughts on a Sleepless Night

Sleep will not come. They say you shouldn't just lie in bed wide awake so here I am up, trying to quiet these thoughts that swirl through my head, trying to turn them into prayers, wanting in this moment to somehow force happy endings to people's misery. We live in a fallen world, a deeply fallen place and while it bears the beauty of its creator it also bears the mark of the enemy that holds it in his grip. I am so troubled tonight. Perhaps it is the weariness that comes after grief and difficulty. Perhaps it is seeing so much pain. I don't know. I want so badly to help us see how deeply we hurt our children, God's precious ones, (for they belong to Him) when we sin and refuse to forgive and refuse to say we are sorry and refuse to change until the other person does and refuse to put on the character of Christ which He has given us who do not deserve any of it. You might be thinking I had a bad night at youth group. I didn't. But I think a culmination of several difficult conversations this past week has put me perilously close to an edge I don't want to be on. I want to continue to believe God is going to transform us, that we are becoming less selfish and more like Him, that we are going to really repent and turn around and walk differently than we have been. I want to believe that we are going to truly see ourselves and then look to Christ. I want to believe in all of it. I do believe all of it. I believe in God's power and His work in our lives for I know He changed me. I believe in a mighty God. I am just not so sure I believe in His people.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Always With Us

I have felt a little overwhelmed lately. Busy at work and thinking about the holidays. I love how God meets me in my craziness. Wednesday I felt exhausted after work and knew that I needed to be fresh for Life Trek. I was trying to finish up too many things at once and had stared at a computer way toooo long. I needed to be refreshed.  Knowing I was going to be facing a room full of High School students when you are brain dead is so not a good idea. It seemed to me to be a good idea to lock myself in the prayer room for a little while and pray. I didn't spend a lot of time but God met me there in those moments and I came out feeling fresh, peaceful and ready. It was good but what was even better was knowing that we serve a God that meets our needs. At the end of the night I was exhausted and today I don't feel much better but for that space of time that I needed to be fresh God met me in that need. So often I ask Him for things that aren't actual needs. I want Him to take away this space of time that I just need to walk through. I want Him to make me feel less afraid and anxious. I want Him to answer questions when I just need to trust Him. I want Him to quit teaching me hard lessons and help me to just "get it." God is taking us through it all. He has not left us here alone. He is my Father, my husband and my dearest friend. He is so patient. I am so grateful. I love Him so very much.