Sunday, January 15, 2012
I have been going through a writing drought. It is not so much that I can't write. It's more that I want my heart and attitude to be pleasing to the Lord before I write. I have been struggling to let go of some things. It is like if I let them go that it means they never happened and that the whole struggle was meaningless. I know that makes very little sense. One of the difficulties of finding the joy of the Lord and being able to let go of past events and sorrows, at least for me, is that I don't want to give up my hurts, sorrows, struggles. I sometimes nurse them, think about how rough its been. In order to receive joy I have to be willing to let go of all of that and get God's perspective. The past couple weeks I have been working on forgiveness. Every time I catch myself nursing a past hurt or offense I have been stopping and forgiving whoever it was that hurt me. If I catch myself reliving a partcularly bad part of my life I have been consciously stopping and thanking God for whatever good He is working through that circumstance. When I find myself discouraged and depressed by what I see is a struggle in my present circumstances I am stopping to thank God for leading me and asking Him to make things clear in His time. When someone in the present is bugging me in the present I stop to pray God's blessing on them and ask God in the moment to help me see them as He does. I really hate it. I really would like to sometimes just wallow in some self pity. I think I've shared before how prone to it I am. It is such a temptation to live in past disappointments. You think it will guard you against future pain but instead you live in constant pain. I can tell you my plan is working. I feel free when I forgive people. I feel joy when I give up a past hurt. I love better when I pray for others. I hope it soon comes naturally to me. I hope that one day I won't desire to feel sorry for myself. Until that happens I will take the steps I can to discipline my way into the joy of the Lord. I should want that joy more than anything. Someday I know that I will.