Friday, May 11, 2012

A Life Interruption

There are unexpected moments in your life that you wish you could freeze. Moments that teach you that it is good for your heart to be broken and your life to be interrupted. I had a moment this week. A young girl, about the age of my youngest came into the office wanting some help. I had served her dinner the night before at church and for whatever reason I felt a connection to her. She is estranged from her parents, out of money, out of a home, and living on the streets. I know only the part of her story that she gave me, and I know there is probably much more to it than what she did tell me, but that didn't matter. My mama heart wanted to rescue her in that moment. I would have gladly given everything I had in that moment if I could have helped her, really helped her. In that moment I wanted to have a big house or apartment building where I could just love on hurting people and show them that there is a God who loves them and who is a giver of life and hope. But I didn't have any of that. We helped her. And I listened to her and cried with her and hugged her. I gave her my number and told her I would feed her or talk to her anytime. I  told her that I would love for her to come to church and that it would be a safe place where she would be loved. And as she left it felt like I gave her nothing. I felt such grief. It's not like I haven't been asked for help before or heard sad stories before. I have. But this one broke my heart. Probably because she is so young. Probably because I thought about how this girl is just one of so many, so young, who already live such hard lives. Probably because for one of the first times I felt like I don't do very much to make a difference for those who need it most. And I feel so powerless. I don't switch gears very easily; my heart still hurts and I am praying for this lost one. I haven't told my girls about this because it hurts and I know it won't be the same for them as it is me. But they keep asking me if something is wrong.  I am praying that a part of this feeling stays with me. It is good for a heart to be broken with the things that break the heart of God. It is good to feel powerless and cry out to God for the things you cannot fix. I don't think we were created to live "normal" lives. We were made to glorify our creator and serve Him. And she is one of His lost ones. And I want that to least to me.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Epic Fail

This past Sunday I was super excited because we were having missionaries visit our church. I love missionaries but I was more excited than normal about these missionaries because they are missionaries I have chosen to support and even though I have never met them I felt a bond with them. The kind of bond that comes when you pray for someone and get connected with their mission. The kind of bond that connects people even when they have never met and never had a conversation. Those bonds that are little known outside of the family of God.  And now I am kicking myself and feeling like an epic failure. You see, I didn't meet them. I have this extreme difficulty in meeting people I have never met. Like almost a phobia. And I hate it. I have become better over the years. I can greet new people at church and I don't struggle with meeting people in my office. But its when I am excited to meet someone and the time comes that they are present that I fail. I was busy and they were pretty well occupied before church so I told myself that after church would be my moment. But the service ended and I froze. I left as fast as I could. I felt all of my insecurities come over me and the moment where I could take the risk and step beyond all of that fear passed. When I think over my life I can see so many moments that have passed because when the challenge came I did not step out from who I was and trust that God could carry me in those uncomfortable spaces. Every year I tell myself that this is the year of taking those risks which must seem ridiculously small to most of you but which loom large in my life. And I do. But there are still the days like Sunday where I freeze and fail and which are followed by the week of regret. Sometimes you cannot go back and get the moment; that is how it is with this. But I am hoping that I learn from it and that I can hold onto and recall this feeling the next time I am faced with going out of my comfort zone. God never meant for us to be limited by our fears but to trust Him and face them as they come. This time I didn't but next time...well, we will see. I have hope.