Wednesday, June 30, 2010


Life goes on. Except for at night. Life seems to stand still at night. It is at night I feel overwhelmed and sometimes even afraid. It is at night that I miss him the most. Sunday too. Sometimes I just want to hide but there is too much to do. That is probably a good thing. It is good that I cannot make life stand still. It is a good thing that I have routine. When I feel like hiding and when I want to scream there are things to do and people I need to be okay for. I am grateful for all of your prayers. I need them. I feel like I am going down a tunnel and I am trying to get through it but I can't see the end yet. I know there is light at the end of it and I will get there but it is a long tunnel. God is with me in this tunnel and while I sometimes feel alone and somehow different than I was He is always there and He is guiding me through it.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

In a Moment

That Monday started out a little differently than a usual Monday. I had been very upset on Sunday about a situation and Bill knew it was eating at me. He got up before I went to work, not his usual habit, and prayed for me before I left. I knew he was out getting his new sunglasses that day so I called him and asked him to bring me lunch. He had a day off as we had a project that needed attention and a couple errands to run. He brought me lunch at 1:30, we visited a few minutes, and by 4:00 I was a widow.

Life can change in a moment. In fact life is filled with ordinary days and life changing moments. I have been overwhelmed by the generosity and love of those around me. God is so very good to me and I will never be able to properly thank those who have loved and cared for me this past week. Yesterday I think it all started to sink in. I  missed Bill terribly, sensing deeply for the first time the permanence of his absence. My car broke down and I had a fresh appreciation for all of the things he took care of. I felt a  sense of being alone even though I have so much love around me and that is because a part of me has been severed away. It is a wrenching that is hard to describe.

 But I know some other things also. There is a bondage in this life that we can never fully be free of until we are free of this flesh. I picture Bill in the presence of God, fully free, filled with a joy that will someday be mine as well and I would never take that from him. But I miss him, and I love him, and it is hard.

Life can change in a moment and it does. God takes us through those moments. He also gives us life beyond those moments. I am learning to navigate a different course. While there is some pain involved I know that God still has plans for me and that I will live. The Lord gives. The Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Thoughts on a Saturday

Walking through life with adult children can be a little like walking through a minefield. I have great kids. They are all hard workers and have very different personalities. I love each of their unique selves and can see various parts of myself in each of them. The trick nowadays is that I must remember that they are grown up. I must respect them even when I do not agree with them. I must allow them to own their decisions even when they head off in a direction I may not like. I was thinking how important it is to maintain relationships even as it gets harder, how important it is not to allow my passion to get in the way of those relationships. I have an opinion about most everything. If I don't have one ready just give me a minute and I will formulate one. But opinions are not worth much. I also know a lot of truth. Truth is good and important but even truth can be a problem at times. Not everyone knows the same amount of truth. Also there have been many times I have been wrong even in things I believe have been the truth. Even truth needs care. Jesus said that other people would know we are Christians by the love we have for each other. That love trumps all of my opinions. That love stands even when our truths don't match up. With my kids it is easier. I always love them. But I was thinking how with others it is easy to have less patience, to hold onto our opinions and put truth on a pedastal and lose love. I have been seeing this happen in the body of Christ and I hate it. I have been guilty of it and I hate that. My truth should be firm, but gentle and kind. My love should come without conditions. My opinions should be held with an open hand and carefully and rarely wielded. With all of my kids home my life has been both harder and richer in the past month. As I dwell in the body of Christ my relationships will mirror that. My life will be richer for their fellowship, love, and what they teach me. It will be harder because I will need to put on the character of Christ to navigate the inevitable minefields that relationships bring. I will need the Spirit of God to control the passion that wells up in me. I will need to put on love every day, the love God has for me, in order to grow myself and to disciple others. The minefields are out there, waiting to make our relationships explode and hinder the Gospel but God has left us weapons to use, love and truth working together to bring many to Him.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010


Today felt strange to me. I felt like I was on the verge of tears all day and had no idea why. I was struggling with a headache but nothing was wrong per se. It just seemed like there was this weight I could not get past. It was strange as there was nothing I could point to. I found myself thinking negative thoughts and going over past disappointments. As I sat at my desk I could hear a voice whisper to me the Word of God. You know, that voice that brings to remembrance those Words God left us with. The ones we need so desperately, and today was one of those days that I needed them. I heard God saying to put on the mind of Christ. I heard Him say that to be eternally minded is life and peace, that this world is not my home. I also heard Him say that He does not willingly crush and afflict us, that it is okay to mourn our losses. Oh, how I love His voice. It is a comfort in the stormy days. Tonight I was visiting a friend who is going through her own set of struggles. As I told her of my day I felt the peace of God wash over me. I know part of the reason for my own hard day was so that I could meet my friend in her struggle. There is something about shared burdens, praying together, and story that help us know we are not alone. Whatever you are walking through I know a few truths. The Savior walked there before and walks with you now. There is purpose in every affliction, even when it is unseen purpose. I know you must fill yourself with God's Word now. Waiting until your day of sorrow will find you empty and vulnerable to the enemy. I know that each bad day holds purpose and we can trust Him that holds our life in His hands. I know that Jesus is enough.