Battle

My eyes are dry; My faith is old

My heart is hard; My prayers are cold

And I know how I ought to be. 

Alive to You and dead to me.

But what can be done with an old heart like mine
Soften it up, with oil and wine.
The oil is you, your Spirit of love,
Please wash me anew, with the wine of your Blood.
                                              (Keith Green)
My last post was about reactions so of course I was tested in that area. That is how it works. And of course I failed because that is also how it works; at least with me. I have felt frustrated  lately.  It is as if I am at odds with my feelings. It is hard to care deeply and feel strongly and not get caught up in a swirl of negative emotions when it all goes badly. Sometimes I try to steel myself against feeling. Let words and actions and attitudes wash over me without affecting me. It doesn't work for long because God made me to care. Sometimes I just want to quit, thinking I am beyond being useful. I don't feel hard but I have been battling this feeling that all that I do is without purpose. Proverbs 29:11 says, A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back. It's been difficult holding back lately; fighting this desire to just be blunt. Too often I am left thinking that what I do is all for nothing.  I don't want to become hard hearted and uncaring but I need to believe that my actions, emotions, and ministry are in tune with God's and that  my reactions are His and not my humanity lashing out. There is a life in our words and actions when we are in sync with God that I have been missing of late. The words of the Keith Green song have been running through my head. My life must come from God and not from me. I must keep my spirit soft by pursuing Him fully. I need a restoring of the joy that is mine in Christ. "Because I know how I ought to be; alive to you, and dead to me." I know it and I need it. Self is such a difficult and persistant enemy. The victory may be already ours but the battle is fierce and ongoing.