Wednesday, June 15, 2011

A Year

This past year since Bill's passing and the one before it have been very instructional for me. Instructional in a most uncomfortable way. There is a part of me that wants to say that it is good to be stripped of everything you know and are comfortable with and be faced with who you are without all those props but I can't say that. What I can say is that I still believe that God is good and I am not. I am even more sure that I am not good and in fact much of my outside facade was based on the comfortable props I had all around me. At this moment I feel very much out of control and in that feeling I am learning how very much I did like control and did feel in control of my existence. I would have told you and argued that it wasn't true, that I relished God's control of my life but it isn't true. I find myself wanting to control the lives of those around me, fearful that they will make a mistake and I will have to go through more loss. A little bit crazy I know. I am just now learning the painful process of letting go and watching others make mistakes without needing to rush in and try and make things better or right. I am also learning just how full of pride I am. I don't want to have my failures paraded in front of me and yet lately it seems that all I see is failure. My heart has felt so broken this year as I have reflected on the past and gone through some trials in the present and I have felt very much vulnerable and on the edge and I hate it. While I used to relish writing and putting out my thoughts and so called wisdom I have struggled with it of late. And that is good. It is hard to have your life turned upside down. It is painful to go through loss and see the ones you love make mistakes that you know will have consequences that they cannot fathom. It is hard to look back and see just how arrogant and prideful my life has been and how greatly God is working to get my attention. It is hard to love deeply and have it ripped away. This week marks the first year of life without Bill and it has been one of the most difficult years of my life. I have felt a sense of things being ripped away unfinished and it is hard and more time will need to pass before that changes. Our family is being tested and challenged and I covet your prayers. I came home today feeling weary of life, tired of being "okay" and so needing the peace of God. We will be moving this next week and I am praying that along with a new address that I will have a fresh peace in my heart. All I desire is to be pleasing to God and bring glory to Him. Right now that is not coming easily but I am trusting in Him who said that He will finish what He has begun in my life. I am trusting that His righteousness and mercy covers all of my failures. I am believing in Him who still answers prayer. I know the God that I believe in and I know that He is good and His mercy endures forever.

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