Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Giving my all...and then some

I have been thinking alot about this past weeks sermon. As has happened quite frequently lately there was much in it that God wanted to speak to me about. Pastor Sean talked about giving our all and then some, how good enough is never good enough and half efforts end in death. Sometimes I "do" a lot but still don't give my all. This past period of time in my life has been hard, disappointing, difficult to reconcile with what I wanted for my life. Sometimes hard to see God in. God has tested me in the deepest parts of my life, tested whether I honestly believe that He is enough, tested me to see if I will trust Him, even with all of my regrets. And to be honest, it's been hard. Sometimes the stuff I do is because I have no idea what I would do or who I would be if I wasn't busy. It isn't that I don't want or love serving God. I do love it. But I have noticed that there have been times lately when I am irritable, when I am so weighed down with what I have done wrong in my life that I cannot see beyond that. When I am so full of regrets that I cannot enjoy the present or see God in it. There are parts of my life that I cannot see any good resulting from and parts that I struggle to trust God to make a difference in. And that is where I am not giving my all and then some. I can "do" lots of things but God cares more about relationship than all of the stuff I do or anything I can give Him. In the "doing" of serving God all is well, in the "doing" part of relationship - praying, reading the Word, all is well, but I need to start giving my all in the "trusting," in the believing that He will take all of the disappointments, all of the sorrow, all of my regrets, all of my failures...that He will make them part of the beauty He is creating out of us who call on His name. I love Him so much. I want to give all of my all and then some, and then more besides.

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