Wednesday, May 9, 2012
This past Sunday I was super excited because we were having missionaries visit our church. I love missionaries but I was more excited than normal about these missionaries because they are missionaries I have chosen to support and even though I have never met them I felt a bond with them. The kind of bond that comes when you pray for someone and get connected with their mission. The kind of bond that connects people even when they have never met and never had a conversation. Those bonds that are little known outside of the family of God. And now I am kicking myself and feeling like an epic failure. You see, I didn't meet them. I have this extreme difficulty in meeting people I have never met. Like almost a phobia. And I hate it. I have become better over the years. I can greet new people at church and I don't struggle with meeting people in my office. But its when I am excited to meet someone and the time comes that they are present that I fail. I was busy and they were pretty well occupied before church so I told myself that after church would be my moment. But the service ended and I froze. I left as fast as I could. I felt all of my insecurities come over me and the moment where I could take the risk and step beyond all of that fear passed. When I think over my life I can see so many moments that have passed because when the challenge came I did not step out from who I was and trust that God could carry me in those uncomfortable spaces. Every year I tell myself that this is the year of taking those risks which must seem ridiculously small to most of you but which loom large in my life. And I do. But there are still the days like Sunday where I freeze and fail and which are followed by the week of regret. Sometimes you cannot go back and get the moment; that is how it is with this. But I am hoping that I learn from it and that I can hold onto and recall this feeling the next time I am faced with going out of my comfort zone. God never meant for us to be limited by our fears but to trust Him and face them as they come. This time I didn't but next time...well, we will see. I have hope.
Posted by Random Thoughts at 3:56 PM