Friday, August 3, 2012

Roses and Remembering

While looking at Pinterest my eyes caught a picture of some beautiful, pink, cabbage roses. The sight nearly brought me to tears but also allowed God to speak to me. You see, I miss my rose bushes. I miss spraying roses, pruning roses, shopping for roses, picking roses, and most of all I miss having vases full of roses all over my house. When you have upwards of 100 rose bushes your springs and summers are glorious. There is never an end to the beautiful bright beauty and sweet smell that they bring. I miss getting up early and plucking off the dead blooms and bringing in freshly cut blossoms. I didn't need to wait for the blooms to look  ratty,  I had so many. It is a part of my old life that I avoid thinking about. I don't allow myself to go to Flower World anymore. I avoid walking by the roses in grocery stores and the rose plants lined up outside Fred Meyers in the spring. That is what I do. My default plan to avoid change and pain is to avoid. Thinking about life and change today I believe that is how I handle most of the pain in my life. Maybe it is what you do too. If I don't think about it, it's not real...but it is...and the reminders come. God gently shows me that I have to walk through my pain, not avoid it and pretend it isn't present and isn't real. I don't have my rose bushes anymore, and I don't have a husband that brings me flowers (rarely), or listens to me talk about my day, or gives me a man hug (they are different). But I have much. I am rich. After feeling the pain of loss I counted what I have...a house full of girls that love me, a beautiful grandson who lights up when he sees me, meaningful work to do each day, the love of my Father...and so many more. Loss is part of life. I think I may allow myself to remember more the pain as an offering to God and being grateful for what is now.

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