Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Just a Note

Sometimes I fight writing the personal in my blog. It feels somehow wrong and right at the same time. Like so many I struggle with wanting to be seen. There is a part of me that wants to get the words right and make it all about me. At the same time I want to hide. I am afraid if I let out my feelings and thoughts I am only opening myself up to criticism. It is a bit of a contradiction; two thoughts -- both wrong. Because I love to write and feel compelled to do so I  hope that the bits of my story and thoughts along my way will encourage and help. Today I was in a mood. I managed to hide it fairly well at work but by the time I got home it overtook me and I had to apologize to my daughters for my shortness with them. As so often happens it is my family who gets the backlash when I am having a hard time. I feel restless much of the time. I hate being gone and I hate being at home. I don't know what to do and the only time I feel somewhat normal is when I am writing, praying, and when I get to help someone. I am trying way too hard to not think and feel. I am dreading the holidays and the winter. I find myself discouraged and impatient and do not like it. It has always seemed to me that if I were close to God I could skip those things but not so. Reading the book of Job again was an encouragement. Going through Jeremiah right now is also. Both are filled with the raw emotions of grief and discouragement. It seems what I know is this. Life is not easy. Loss is difficult. Being honest is challenging. Sometimes my life seems fragmented and my heart feels like giving up. It is then I turn to Jesus and He is always so very good to me.

No comments: