Thoughts on a Sleepless Night

Sleep will not come. They say you shouldn't just lie in bed wide awake so here I am up, trying to quiet these thoughts that swirl through my head, trying to turn them into prayers, wanting in this moment to somehow force happy endings to people's misery. We live in a fallen world, a deeply fallen place and while it bears the beauty of its creator it also bears the mark of the enemy that holds it in his grip. I am so troubled tonight. Perhaps it is the weariness that comes after grief and difficulty. Perhaps it is seeing so much pain. I don't know. I want so badly to help us see how deeply we hurt our children, God's precious ones, (for they belong to Him) when we sin and refuse to forgive and refuse to say we are sorry and refuse to change until the other person does and refuse to put on the character of Christ which He has given us who do not deserve any of it. You might be thinking I had a bad night at youth group. I didn't. But I think a culmination of several difficult conversations this past week has put me perilously close to an edge I don't want to be on. I want to continue to believe God is going to transform us, that we are becoming less selfish and more like Him, that we are going to really repent and turn around and walk differently than we have been. I want to believe that we are going to truly see ourselves and then look to Christ. I want to believe in all of it. I do believe all of it. I believe in God's power and His work in our lives for I know He changed me. I believe in a mighty God. I am just not so sure I believe in His people.