Covering

I was in Youth Group tonight and it was not going well. I'm not sure about the why's of that but it sometimes happens. We did get to talking about the impact negativity and criticism have on us. It got me thinking about how, as believers, we are supposed to have each other's back, and how often we fail at that. Remember the story of the son's of Noah? How two of the son's covered the nakedness of their father and did not look upon it. To me that story is a picture of pure love. Instead of looking at their father's weakness and sin they covered him. They did not look upon him. How many times do we point out the weaknesses and sins of others? How often do we revel in anothers shortcomings or at least point out how their weaknesses affect and annoy us? I was thinking about how often I have pointed out the flaws in others. Maybe it is my own insecurities trying to make myself look better (sin) or maybe I just want to be their Holy Spirit (not my job). Whatever it is, it is ugly and it is sin. One of the things that I have learned through the death of my Bill is that I know that you will never be sorry about having lavished love on those around you after you lose them. You will never regret having covered another's sins and flaws when they are gone. You will, however greatly regret not doing better. You will remember and deeply regret your annoyances with them. You will wish you had more time to do it better. I know this. Recently our Pastor challenged us to go a week without being negative and critical and when we slipped to give money to a home that houses homeless women who have been the brunt of criticism and unkindness their whole lives. The week is up but I am still feeling the challenge.  There is a song with one line that sums it all up. " Love will hold us together, make us a shelter to weather the storm, and I'll be my brothers keeper, so the whole world will know that we're not alone." We desperately do not want to be alone. We want to find shelter in one another. We want to be able to trust that we have each other's back. Life is a storm and we desperately need each other. I have had love, concern, and prayers poured out on me the past few weeks and I am so deeply grateful. It has made such a difference during what has been such a hard time for me and the girls. You know, I have the best life ever. I serve the Creator and have been saved from all of my sins. I get to represent the Savior on a daily basis. I have the message of salvation entrusted to me. I am the daughter of the King. On top of it, I have wonderful friends, a great job and my Father takes such good care of me. Most of these things, if not all are true of most believers. Let's face it, we are all annoying, full of flaws, and slip into sin. Let's aim to be as the son's of Noah. Lets cover each other so that "the whole world will know that we are not alone." What a testimony that will be!

Thoughts

Life goes on. Except for at night. Life seems to stand still at night. It is at night I feel overwhelmed and sometimes even afraid. It is at night that I miss him the most. Sunday too. Sometimes I just want to hide but there is too much to do. That is probably a good thing. It is good that I cannot make life stand still. It is a good thing that I have routine. When I feel like hiding and when I want to scream there are things to do and people I need to be okay for. I am grateful for all of your prayers. I need them. I feel like I am going down a tunnel and I am trying to get through it but I can't see the end yet. I know there is light at the end of it and I will get there but it is a long tunnel. God is with me in this tunnel and while I sometimes feel alone and somehow different than I was He is always there and He is guiding me through it.

In a Moment

That Monday started out a little differently than a usual Monday. I had been very upset on Sunday about a situation and Bill knew it was eating at me. He got up before I went to work, not his usual habit, and prayed for me before I left. I knew he was out getting his new sunglasses that day so I called him and asked him to bring me lunch. He had a day off as we had a project that needed attention and a couple errands to run. He brought me lunch at 1:30, we visited a few minutes, and by 4:00 I was a widow.

Life can change in a moment. In fact life is filled with ordinary days and life changing moments. I have been overwhelmed by the generosity and love of those around me. God is so very good to me and I will never be able to properly thank those who have loved and cared for me this past week. Yesterday I think it all started to sink in. I  missed Bill terribly, sensing deeply for the first time the permanence of his absence. My car broke down and I had a fresh appreciation for all of the things he took care of. I felt a  sense of being alone even though I have so much love around me and that is because a part of me has been severed away. It is a wrenching that is hard to describe.

 But I know some other things also. There is a bondage in this life that we can never fully be free of until we are free of this flesh. I picture Bill in the presence of God, fully free, filled with a joy that will someday be mine as well and I would never take that from him. But I miss him, and I love him, and it is hard.

Life can change in a moment and it does. God takes us through those moments. He also gives us life beyond those moments. I am learning to navigate a different course. While there is some pain involved I know that God still has plans for me and that I will live. The Lord gives. The Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Thoughts on a Saturday

Walking through life with adult children can be a little like walking through a minefield. I have great kids. They are all hard workers and have very different personalities. I love each of their unique selves and can see various parts of myself in each of them. The trick nowadays is that I must remember that they are grown up. I must respect them even when I do not agree with them. I must allow them to own their decisions even when they head off in a direction I may not like. I was thinking how important it is to maintain relationships even as it gets harder, how important it is not to allow my passion to get in the way of those relationships. I have an opinion about most everything. If I don't have one ready just give me a minute and I will formulate one. But opinions are not worth much. I also know a lot of truth. Truth is good and important but even truth can be a problem at times. Not everyone knows the same amount of truth. Also there have been many times I have been wrong even in things I believe have been the truth. Even truth needs care. Jesus said that other people would know we are Christians by the love we have for each other. That love trumps all of my opinions. That love stands even when our truths don't match up. With my kids it is easier. I always love them. But I was thinking how with others it is easy to have less patience, to hold onto our opinions and put truth on a pedastal and lose love. I have been seeing this happen in the body of Christ and I hate it. I have been guilty of it and I hate that. My truth should be firm, but gentle and kind. My love should come without conditions. My opinions should be held with an open hand and carefully and rarely wielded. With all of my kids home my life has been both harder and richer in the past month. As I dwell in the body of Christ my relationships will mirror that. My life will be richer for their fellowship, love, and what they teach me. It will be harder because I will need to put on the character of Christ to navigate the inevitable minefields that relationships bring. I will need the Spirit of God to control the passion that wells up in me. I will need to put on love every day, the love God has for me, in order to grow myself and to disciple others. The minefields are out there, waiting to make our relationships explode and hinder the Gospel but God has left us weapons to use, love and truth working together to bring many to Him.

Enough

Today felt strange to me. I felt like I was on the verge of tears all day and had no idea why. I was struggling with a headache but nothing was wrong per se. It just seemed like there was this weight I could not get past. It was strange as there was nothing I could point to. I found myself thinking negative thoughts and going over past disappointments. As I sat at my desk I could hear a voice whisper to me the Word of God. You know, that voice that brings to remembrance those Words God left us with. The ones we need so desperately, and today was one of those days that I needed them. I heard God saying to put on the mind of Christ. I heard Him say that to be eternally minded is life and peace, that this world is not my home. I also heard Him say that He does not willingly crush and afflict us, that it is okay to mourn our losses. Oh, how I love His voice. It is a comfort in the stormy days. Tonight I was visiting a friend who is going through her own set of struggles. As I told her of my day I felt the peace of God wash over me. I know part of the reason for my own hard day was so that I could meet my friend in her struggle. There is something about shared burdens, praying together, and story that help us know we are not alone. Whatever you are walking through I know a few truths. The Savior walked there before and walks with you now. There is purpose in every affliction, even when it is unseen purpose. I know you must fill yourself with God's Word now. Waiting until your day of sorrow will find you empty and vulnerable to the enemy. I know that each bad day holds purpose and we can trust Him that holds our life in His hands. I know that Jesus is enough.

Sunday Thoughts

It has been a long time since I wrote anything here. I kind of wanted to wait until I had something of value to share but I am not sure if that is going to happen any time soon so I will share a few thoughts that have been poking through this head of mine. I am frightfully insecure and hate it. Only I am not so sure how much I hate it. I have been reading Beth Moore's book on insecurity and I am discovering that insecurity is painful but has become far too comfortable. Don't have the answers to that. I guess I will have to pick it up again. I threw it down in frustration at chapter 3!

I missed my flower beds so I planted a bunch of containers. It is amazing what a little beauty does for one. I felt so encouraged just by planing some flowers. It gets me thinking of how much better life could be if we would just "encourage one another."  I wonder if I could get by with just kindness for a week. Even hard truths can be told kindly and gently. I suppose I could even use the law of kindness with my family although that is a little harder. I wonder if I could even see what they do right instead of what they do wrong. I think I will try it this week.

Suffering may be normal but I still hate it and I am not so sure I will ever learn to rejoice in it. I have some dear friends going through suffering right now. I know God is good, and just and righteous. I know that God's word tells us this is all normal, but I still hate it and I still feel overwhelmed at times at the pain of it all. I know it will work for our good and I know that whatever we are going through is worth it, but I still struggle with it. Thank you Pastor Sean for encouraging us this morning on the subject of suffering. I felt fresh and ready to take on the struggle of life again. I needed it.

I love my Monday morning Bible Study. Thank you Debbie for leading us. It is wonderful and I am getting so much from it.

I have a long way to go. I am thankful for my precious, faithful, merciful heavenly Father. I am grateful for everyone who puts up with me. I long for heaven but I do love life. I long to see people saved. I long to see the saved empowered and walking in victory. I am thankful for the indwelling Spirit of God. I will walk forward. I am praying that you will too.

Graduation

I got to see my youngest daughter graduate from Northwest University today. It brought back so many memories of her childhood, of my childhood. I sometimes say that I loved school and hated recess. I thought about how wonderful it was for her to have the opportunity to go to a Christian University and learn and grow and dream. She is a little sad with it being over and of course it is a little hard to switch gears and start a new chapter in life. I thought about how many new chapters in life we make over the years. I went from going to college to marriage, motherhood, teacher of my children. I always kept myself extremely busy; it was like I felt that if I stopped my life would be meaningless. Today I work, and love it; it is only part time although it sometimes seems more than it is. I thought today about what I would tell the students about life. I would tell them that their lives are important; that they have purpose and talents whether they think they do or not. I would encourage them to say yes to opportunities. I always found that I found Gods will in the yesses of life. Sometimes I would be in the middle of something I should have said no to but I don't regret that. I always learned from it. I would tell them to live as though there was almost no time left because there isn't. Now I'm not saying that Jesus is coming back tomorrow, although that would be nice, but there is very little time for those around us who do not believe. We must seek a sense of urgency as we live and that is what I would encourage. I would encourage them to take risks because I wish I had taken more of them. Mostly I would tell them to make God the end all and be all of their existence. Storms are coming; they always do; and God is what makes the storms doable, who is always with me, who rejoices in my joys and comforts me in my sadness. I would tell them that withot my close relationship with God I would not only be lost, I would be very alone. The good news is that I can also speak these things to myself. I can say more yesses, feel a sense of urgency about life, take more risks and cling closer to Jesus. These are timeless truths that can apply to any age. Whoever you are, whatever stage of life you are in, these are truths you can cling to and appropriate in your life. I loved seeing my Karly graduate today. I know God has wonderful plans for her and am excited to see what she does. I know that she loves God and it gives me peace to know she will never be alone during her storms. Graduation is both an event and a transition and God will be with her as she makes her way in this life.