Yes Every Day

Our church is sending a group to Swaziland to share the love of God through the game of soccer. When I first heard they were going I knew that I could not. I am not in shape and there were some other factors that made it impossible. I didn't question the impossibility but rather embraced the role that I could play in the trip.  I was determined to be the best sender that God would allow me to be. Senders are an absolute necessity. Without them no missions trip would be possible and being a sender is in a sense being a part of the team. Senders give and pray and do any other thing that might help the team get to their destination. This past week I needed a copy of the teams itinerary in order to work on something I was doing for them. As I read it over I got this deep ache in the pit of my stomach. It dawned on me that no matter how much sending I did that I would not be going. I found myself longing to be a part of the going team. Mind you, nothing has changed. I still would need to lose some serious weight, get in much better shape, and have a couple things change in my personal circumstances in order to be a goer; but I still felt that longing. And that is how it should be. Thankfully, I also get to be a goer. Every day I have the opportunity to "go" into the world and share the love of God; "go" into my world and help people grow in their relationship to God: "go" into the world and be a light in a world trapped by sin.

But too many are neither "going" or "sending." They are stuck; going to church but never embracing what it means to follow. If saying yes to Jesus does not require something of us, we have to ask whether it was really Jesus we encountered. In the story "The Lord of the Rings," Frodo did not know his exact destination, but he knew where he was going. He had a purpose. A call. A goal. He was dreaming this dream so that He would save the world. We have been called to be world savers. Christ did the work; gave us His Spirit; and entrusted us with that calling. Do you know who you want to be, where you want to go, and what you need to do to get there? I think I do. I need to embrace the calling to "go" and to "send." I need to live my life daily saying yes. Saying yes until He stops me with a no. Saying yes without worrying that I may make a wrong choice. I will. God will help me through it. Saying yes to going deeper, loving with passion, to making every day count.

Every sender should long to go. Every believer should long to make a difference; to shine their light. When we say YES to God and encounter Him in our yesses just imagine what will happen. I do.

Not Today

 I wrote a list of things I hate but decided to erase it. It was way too depressing. The heat brings that out in me. I have this dark side when the temp goes above 80 and it isn't pretty. I messed up all this paperwork that I was supposed to do and so I had to do it again and that tried my patience and kind of put me over the edge. You see, I had already messed up once and now I did it again. It brought out that out of control feeling where I just want to cry. I am so not a cryer but yesterday and today I explored my weepy side. Thankfully I was around people a lot of the time so it wasn't constant. But once I got in the car it came back. I went directly to the grocery store to make it go away and that worked until I got out. I hate this feeling. It is Shindig weekend and a huge part of me would like to stay home but a little part of me wants to go. I'm not sure which part will win. I miss my husband. I miss him more with each passing week. I am sure that will not last forever but it is my present reality and it is hard and I feel like I have to be okay all of the time and that is hard too. The truth is that I do feel that God is walking through this with me. The truth is that even though that is true it is still hard. The truth is that sometimes it might be okay to just feel bad. The truth is that I keep feeling like I want to go home even though I am home. My home is just not the same and I feel a little lost. It will be okay. It's just not today.

Covering

I was in Youth Group tonight and it was not going well. I'm not sure about the why's of that but it sometimes happens. We did get to talking about the impact negativity and criticism have on us. It got me thinking about how, as believers, we are supposed to have each other's back, and how often we fail at that. Remember the story of the son's of Noah? How two of the son's covered the nakedness of their father and did not look upon it. To me that story is a picture of pure love. Instead of looking at their father's weakness and sin they covered him. They did not look upon him. How many times do we point out the weaknesses and sins of others? How often do we revel in anothers shortcomings or at least point out how their weaknesses affect and annoy us? I was thinking about how often I have pointed out the flaws in others. Maybe it is my own insecurities trying to make myself look better (sin) or maybe I just want to be their Holy Spirit (not my job). Whatever it is, it is ugly and it is sin. One of the things that I have learned through the death of my Bill is that I know that you will never be sorry about having lavished love on those around you after you lose them. You will never regret having covered another's sins and flaws when they are gone. You will, however greatly regret not doing better. You will remember and deeply regret your annoyances with them. You will wish you had more time to do it better. I know this. Recently our Pastor challenged us to go a week without being negative and critical and when we slipped to give money to a home that houses homeless women who have been the brunt of criticism and unkindness their whole lives. The week is up but I am still feeling the challenge.  There is a song with one line that sums it all up. " Love will hold us together, make us a shelter to weather the storm, and I'll be my brothers keeper, so the whole world will know that we're not alone." We desperately do not want to be alone. We want to find shelter in one another. We want to be able to trust that we have each other's back. Life is a storm and we desperately need each other. I have had love, concern, and prayers poured out on me the past few weeks and I am so deeply grateful. It has made such a difference during what has been such a hard time for me and the girls. You know, I have the best life ever. I serve the Creator and have been saved from all of my sins. I get to represent the Savior on a daily basis. I have the message of salvation entrusted to me. I am the daughter of the King. On top of it, I have wonderful friends, a great job and my Father takes such good care of me. Most of these things, if not all are true of most believers. Let's face it, we are all annoying, full of flaws, and slip into sin. Let's aim to be as the son's of Noah. Lets cover each other so that "the whole world will know that we are not alone." What a testimony that will be!

Thoughts

Life goes on. Except for at night. Life seems to stand still at night. It is at night I feel overwhelmed and sometimes even afraid. It is at night that I miss him the most. Sunday too. Sometimes I just want to hide but there is too much to do. That is probably a good thing. It is good that I cannot make life stand still. It is a good thing that I have routine. When I feel like hiding and when I want to scream there are things to do and people I need to be okay for. I am grateful for all of your prayers. I need them. I feel like I am going down a tunnel and I am trying to get through it but I can't see the end yet. I know there is light at the end of it and I will get there but it is a long tunnel. God is with me in this tunnel and while I sometimes feel alone and somehow different than I was He is always there and He is guiding me through it.

In a Moment

That Monday started out a little differently than a usual Monday. I had been very upset on Sunday about a situation and Bill knew it was eating at me. He got up before I went to work, not his usual habit, and prayed for me before I left. I knew he was out getting his new sunglasses that day so I called him and asked him to bring me lunch. He had a day off as we had a project that needed attention and a couple errands to run. He brought me lunch at 1:30, we visited a few minutes, and by 4:00 I was a widow.

Life can change in a moment. In fact life is filled with ordinary days and life changing moments. I have been overwhelmed by the generosity and love of those around me. God is so very good to me and I will never be able to properly thank those who have loved and cared for me this past week. Yesterday I think it all started to sink in. I  missed Bill terribly, sensing deeply for the first time the permanence of his absence. My car broke down and I had a fresh appreciation for all of the things he took care of. I felt a  sense of being alone even though I have so much love around me and that is because a part of me has been severed away. It is a wrenching that is hard to describe.

 But I know some other things also. There is a bondage in this life that we can never fully be free of until we are free of this flesh. I picture Bill in the presence of God, fully free, filled with a joy that will someday be mine as well and I would never take that from him. But I miss him, and I love him, and it is hard.

Life can change in a moment and it does. God takes us through those moments. He also gives us life beyond those moments. I am learning to navigate a different course. While there is some pain involved I know that God still has plans for me and that I will live. The Lord gives. The Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Thoughts on a Saturday

Walking through life with adult children can be a little like walking through a minefield. I have great kids. They are all hard workers and have very different personalities. I love each of their unique selves and can see various parts of myself in each of them. The trick nowadays is that I must remember that they are grown up. I must respect them even when I do not agree with them. I must allow them to own their decisions even when they head off in a direction I may not like. I was thinking how important it is to maintain relationships even as it gets harder, how important it is not to allow my passion to get in the way of those relationships. I have an opinion about most everything. If I don't have one ready just give me a minute and I will formulate one. But opinions are not worth much. I also know a lot of truth. Truth is good and important but even truth can be a problem at times. Not everyone knows the same amount of truth. Also there have been many times I have been wrong even in things I believe have been the truth. Even truth needs care. Jesus said that other people would know we are Christians by the love we have for each other. That love trumps all of my opinions. That love stands even when our truths don't match up. With my kids it is easier. I always love them. But I was thinking how with others it is easy to have less patience, to hold onto our opinions and put truth on a pedastal and lose love. I have been seeing this happen in the body of Christ and I hate it. I have been guilty of it and I hate that. My truth should be firm, but gentle and kind. My love should come without conditions. My opinions should be held with an open hand and carefully and rarely wielded. With all of my kids home my life has been both harder and richer in the past month. As I dwell in the body of Christ my relationships will mirror that. My life will be richer for their fellowship, love, and what they teach me. It will be harder because I will need to put on the character of Christ to navigate the inevitable minefields that relationships bring. I will need the Spirit of God to control the passion that wells up in me. I will need to put on love every day, the love God has for me, in order to grow myself and to disciple others. The minefields are out there, waiting to make our relationships explode and hinder the Gospel but God has left us weapons to use, love and truth working together to bring many to Him.

Enough

Today felt strange to me. I felt like I was on the verge of tears all day and had no idea why. I was struggling with a headache but nothing was wrong per se. It just seemed like there was this weight I could not get past. It was strange as there was nothing I could point to. I found myself thinking negative thoughts and going over past disappointments. As I sat at my desk I could hear a voice whisper to me the Word of God. You know, that voice that brings to remembrance those Words God left us with. The ones we need so desperately, and today was one of those days that I needed them. I heard God saying to put on the mind of Christ. I heard Him say that to be eternally minded is life and peace, that this world is not my home. I also heard Him say that He does not willingly crush and afflict us, that it is okay to mourn our losses. Oh, how I love His voice. It is a comfort in the stormy days. Tonight I was visiting a friend who is going through her own set of struggles. As I told her of my day I felt the peace of God wash over me. I know part of the reason for my own hard day was so that I could meet my friend in her struggle. There is something about shared burdens, praying together, and story that help us know we are not alone. Whatever you are walking through I know a few truths. The Savior walked there before and walks with you now. There is purpose in every affliction, even when it is unseen purpose. I know you must fill yourself with God's Word now. Waiting until your day of sorrow will find you empty and vulnerable to the enemy. I know that each bad day holds purpose and we can trust Him that holds our life in His hands. I know that Jesus is enough.