Trust

I have been thinking today about how, as a believer, we must choose to trust God. We cannot measure whether to trust God by our minds perception of how trustworthy He is. We cannot because life is dark in spots and it can stay dark for what seems to be a lot of time. That is because God will take whatever time He needs to obtain the result He desires. I think of Joseph, sold into slavery. God had a reason for allowing that and Joseph remained faithful to the God He knew and the God He had chosen to trust. If you look at every story of the Bible you will see it over and over again. God is trustworthy but we must choose to trust Him. If you try and decide in the darkness or try and decide while looking at anothers life when they are going through darkness it will be hard to see His plan and His goodness. That is why believers will mistakenly believe that a person is in some kind of sin when they are going through darkness. We try to find a reason instead of trusting in God's ultimate plan and His promise to use all things for our good as we love and serve Him. The truth is, we want a safety net, a place to walk that is not scary. Sorry. Trusting God is about walking through the darkness and coming out on the other side. It is about saying, "God you are good and whatever you need to allow in my life in order for your plan to be accomplished, have at it." It is saying to the darkness, this is temporary, God is with me, and He always has my best interest in mind. It is a willingness to walk through deep waters. We have His Word as a testimony to the beauty of His plans. They will not fail. He can be trusted. He is good.

Thoughts Gained from Reading and at the Office

I still am not feeling very cohesive in my thoughts this week but I often have some random thoughts while reading and at work and thought I would share some of them.

1. I have been thinking alot about whether anyone can actually take advantage of another person. Here is my thought. Give your life away so no one can take anything from you. Remember, no one took Jesus’ life. He laid it down. If you live with a life laid down I don't think anyone can take advantage of you.

2. Some days the only reason I can keep breathing is because I know that my life has been Redeemed. I know that the ugly and discarded have a purpose. God does not always intend for us to suffer the grief’s we bear. What is worse is that they are so often inflicted by those we love. He may not have intended for us to hurt and suffer pain...but everything that comes into our lives He uses for our good.

3. The gospel leads you to do what might seem impossible, because you’ve been captured and thrilled by the impossible love of the cross. I so hope God and I accomplish some impossible things this year.

4.The older I get the more that I realize that there is nothing I would rather do than invest my life in God, that being comfortable is almost always at odds with being fulfilled, and that God’s plans are frustrating and painful and unbelievably good.

5. I sometimes struggle to go home at the end of the day. It feels empty and I lose my sense of purpose. I'm going to work on that.

6. I found a blog while randomly searching the other day. It is called - Jesus. Life. Hard. - That says most of what I have felt the past couple years but I would add - Glorious. - He is so worth it all.

Love this verse

Isaiah 58:11


And the LORD will guide you continually


and satisfy your desire in scorched places


and make your bones strong;


and you shall be like a watered garden,


like a spring of water,


whose waters do not fail.

Truly Random Thoughts

My thoughts have been truly random of late so I am going to borrow my dear friend Amber's style and make a kind of list of them.
1. I hate it when you grate your finger instead of the food. That is my whining over my sports injury. I am calling it a sports injury because I grated it making chili for the guys who are picking their fantasy football picks tonight at church. They will eat my food but not let me play. Does that seem somehow wrong? (I'm actually good with it.)
2. Can you really love God and hate His wife? This is for all of us who tend to be overly critical of God's bride.
3. I was filled with an incredible sense of well-being this morning when I turned on the television and saw college football on multiple channels. It gives me this sense that, at least on Saturdays, life goes on. I think that makes me strange.
4. I love having small children in my kitchen. I got to babysit last night and it did me a world of good, felt peaceful the whole evening.
5. The fair looks exactly the same every year. Even the new booths seem to blend into the atmosphere and seem like they have always been there. Thankful for free tickets!
6. On a similar note, so thankful I passed on the steam mop even though it looked like so much fun at the time. My floor is much too small to justify such an expense. Thank you Karly for rescuing me.
7. I feel like I am in a slump, way too emotional, tired of routine, wanting something I can't put my finger on, maybe to feel useful to my King.
8. Each of my girls is a treasure and time has gone by way too fast.
9. Challenge to self: Spend a week without self-indulgent pity parties. I need to put down this creeping narcissim.
10. Jesus called us to follow Him. I think it's interesting and comforting to know that in Christ even leaders must learn to follow.

A Million Miles in a Thousand Years

I have been reading a book named "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years," by Donald Miller. Mr. Miller and I didn't get off to the best start the first time I read him. I am one of the few that did not care for "Blue Like Jazz." In fact, it got me quite riled up and while I recommended it to others to read because it causes you to think, the book made me angry also, leaving me conflicted and not anxious to pick up another of his books. A friend recommended this one, a friend that I trust, so I managed to borrow it and read it this week. I must say that I liked this book much better than the first. I still feel like he and I  would butt heads quite a little if we met, which can be fun, I loved the concept of this book and it got me thinking. Donald talks about the importance of the story of your life and the book challenged me to look at the story I am living. It moved me to tears in a couple spots because I can see how I have wasted so much of my story and I see how little I have left to write. Don talks about how every story has conflict that has to be overcomed to make the story worthwhile. He talks about how, for a story to "work", one must overcome fear and I liked what he said about fear. He said that overcoming fear is about being afraid and walking through it anyway and how so often we think of fear as self protective when it is actually a major distraction and is highly destructive. Fear keeps us from living our best story. It takes awhile to get into the book, but is worth the effort. It left me determined to write my "story" with much more thought and deliberation and to work hard to overcome some obstacles that have kept me back for so many years. I have decided not to wallow in what I have missed in my story but to instead to walk forward with deliberate thought with the time I have left. I have always been fascinated by the "story" of others lives and have enjoyed the beauty of others ideas. Now I see the need of being purposeful of the "story" my life is writing and telling. It will either bring glory to God or be just a waste of space and time. I know what I want it to be but that will not come by accident. We are each writing a "story" with the time God gives us and while mine may not translate into a book or movie, I hope it will make a difference.

Life

It is a mistaken notion that a life does not count unless one goes to Bible College or becomes a minister or Christian worker. It is a mistaken notion that most of the work that God desires to have done happens within the four walls of a church. What makes a life not count is when we fail to give our life fully to Him. What makes a life not count is when we fail to live for Him in whatever we are doing. What makes a life not count is when we fail to proclaim God in and through whatever we do in our lives. What makes a life not count is when we fail to tell others about the hope that lies within us. Don't get me wrong. I thank God for those who give their lives as ministers. I learn so much from them and from their example. I need them and so do you. But God never meant all of us to be them. Don't get me wrong; I am so grateful that some of my kids got the privilege of going to Bible College. They are richer for it and I do recommend it, but it is not necessary. But what God asks, and He does ask for this, is that we give our lives to Him and spend our lives for Him. Whatever He asks, I will do. Wherever He leads, I will go. To find out what He asks and to know where He leads I will ask and I will look to see what He is doing and then I will join in whatever that is. Be very careful, then, how you live--not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. Ephesians 5:17-19. My life is not my own, I have been bought with a price and it is my privilege to give that life to Him.

Anniversary

Today would have been my 36th wedding anniversary. A few months ago I joked that I soon would be married longer than I had been alive! I have always hated birthdays and the passage of time in general. Today I found myself pondering what I was grateful for in my marriage. If I asked Bill to vacuum the carpets I knew I would come home and they would be vacuumed. Of course he might leave every dish in the sink dirty, but the carpet would be beautifully vacuumed. Every night when Bill got home he would make me iced tea. I used to tell him that he made the best iced tea (true) and so he would come home and immediately make it. Every Tuesday morning we went out for breakfast. It was a given. With our schedules it was necessary or we would fail to touch base for weeks. We would talk about how Bill felt the book of James shouldn't be in the Bible, while James is one of my favorite books and about music he liked or things we had read. Bill was a great person to travel with. The journey was always as important as the destination and he did not care how many rest areas I needed to stop at.  As in all relationships, ours was not without difficulty, in fact we had faced some very troubled waters even in recent years. I was grateful for what Pastor Sean shared at the memorial service, that Bill had recovered from  difficulty. So many people live their entire lives without facing themselves, not seeing who they are. It is only in facing who we are that we can repent and recover and I am so grateful that Bill had faced himself and gave everything to God. On a day like this you think a lot about regrets. I wish I had been better, more patient, less selfish. I thought today about how you will never regret the forgivness and mercy you extend to your spouse. You will never regret letting go of small things. You will never regret working through big things. You will never regret trusting God with your life and marriage. All things considered, and there are so many things to consider, I feel so honored to have been married to Bill and to walk through his stuff as he walked through mine. It was a hard day today. I could tell it was hard because I cleaned the office. I always clean when I am restless. But I got through it. I miss my husband and these days just seem to emphasize that he is gone but God is with me and stays so close. It is good.

On Writing

I have had a hard time writing anything lately. Everything I have thought about lately has seemed empty and I have struggled to feel like myself. I decided today that I need the discipline of putting my thoughts down and maybe if I do that part of me that is struggling will figure itself out. Writing has always been a way that I put order in my chaos and sanity to some of my insanity. It is a way to have a voice. I think that is why there are so many blogs and why they are good things. I have heard about how nacissistic they are and that is true to an extent,  but it can be a wonderful thing to write what God shows you and what you have been thinking. It is another way of connection with each other, another way to share and grow. I love to read what others write and visit many blogs each week. I follow several blogs that I never have left a comment on which is sad. I will fix that. I learn and grow from the wisdom of others and from what God is showing others. I intend to get back to the business of writing this week even if some of my writing is disjointed and a little sad for awhile. It does me good. I think I will quit worrying whether what I write sounds too dark or whether my family will worry about me if I write what is on my heart. Writing is one of the ways God works in me so I will keep at it