Anniversary

So I was going to totally ignore it. It is the second time and so I should be used to it. I was determined to not think about it and not let it phase me. My anniversary. Of course, when you decide to ignore something it is impossible. I was feeling sad and lots of other conflicting feelings. Like He always is, God was there. Sometimes I like to wallow and feel sorry for myself. There, I admitted it, which does not make it any better. I confessed it to God the other night and told Him I was going to refuse to go to that wallowing place anymore. It is not God honoring and it is a horrible witness when He is so good to me. But then my anniversary happened. And I started to be sad. But God helped me. First there was breakfast with Karly. At the office I was tempted by sadness. You can feel a bit alone in there. But then  God sent Debbie, and Noah and Lillie to bring sunshine to my day. How can you be sad when they visit you? And then Betty and Teresa stopped by just to visit. And then I went to a fabulous movie with my kids. I got very little done. And I had some sad thoughts. And my mood wasn't the best. But I did not wallow. And I am so grateful. Thank you God!

Project Runway

I love the show Project Runway. It totally fascinates me. Like last night. They went to a pet supply store and had to create clothing out of pet supplies; trying not to use fabric from things like doggy outfits and dog beds etc. In otherwords, take something that is to be used for one thing and use it for something entirely different. Taking most of the designers out of their comfort zone. Some of my most profitable times with God have been when God takes me out of my comfort zone. Now, there are times it is a disaster; like when I try to do anything artistic. Lets face it, I don't even move furniture around or hang pictures on the walls. But there have been days that God has called me to be creative with varying degrees of success lol. He teaches me to rely on Him outside of my comfortable box. To be honest my comfort zone is not all that comfortable. I am not a people person and often shrink from forming relationships. But that is not comfortable. Often, it is just lonely. So I force myself into situations that would not be my choice and find the peace of God for He never meant us to live in isolation. You see our comfort zone is not necessarily the place God made us to dwell in. If it were the Children of Israel would never have made it to the promised land, Abraham would have stayed put, and Jesus would never have left heaven. My calling and yours is to connect people to God and help them grow in that relationship. While we operate in different ways to fulfill this calling I can guarantee that this calling will take each of us out of our comfort zone and push us to operate both in our giftings and outside of them, both in our comfortable spot and outside of it. God always puts us in a place where we have to rely on Him to accomplish what only He can within the context of the life He has given us. Because only the Spirit of God can draw a sinner to God. We are His instruments chosen to say yes to Him in the context of the opportunities He presents to us. Just like on last nights Project Runway a designer way able to make a dress out of birdseed our God is able to take us outside of the box we live in and use us to bring life. Pretty amazing.

Would Jesus have Read Twilight?

Don't you love the title? Nice and provocative; the type of discussion that could end friendships, place people in "camps" or "sides;" make all of us judge each other. I can only sort of answer the question here. I tend to think that most 30 something males don't read Twilight. Just a guess. But what this question means to me is, "Is it right for a Christian to read Twilight?" and that question I will not answer simply because it divides, judges, and is incredibly small. I may have an opinion;  in fact I do; actually I have an opinion on most everything. But my opinion is not important. As far as I know there is no hidden verse in the Bible that elevates my opinion to any great importance. What is important to me is how believers, myself included, make decisions. The Word of God says that "whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." (1 Cor. 10:31) I think that most all of our decisions matter. My mind has been focused on a question this week that is related to this. Can God tell me no? I mean I know He can, but would I hear Him if He did? Do I think my own opinion is of such great worth that I trust it? Do I think that because I read my Bible daily that I can trust what I think? Sometimes I trivialize praying about things. I believe too often that if what I am about to do is good or God honoring I can skip the asking part. I can't. Sometimes a good thing isn't the best thing to do right now or maybe it is not mine to do right now. And then there are the other decisions we make, what to read, watch, see, do; those "Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment." (Prov. 18:1).  When we isolate ourselves from seeking what God thinks about our actions we do not have sound judgment. It may not seem to make a big difference in our lives but any decision that is not God honoring takes us a little further away from God. This post is meant to be about decision making, not about Twilight or any other book or movie out there. I used the analogy because I was recently asked the question and have been pondering the topic ever since. Do you allow God into all of your decision making or just the Spiritual ones or the ones you don't care so much about? Have you forgotten lately to ask God about what He thinks you should be doing? Can God tell you no? Would you actually hear Him? Those are the questions I have been asking myself lately and the answers are already changing what I am asking Him and I am taking a little more space to hear God before I act. I am glad I was asked the question. Even if I won't answer it.

Another Life Challenge

  “‘After this I will return and rebuild David’s fallen tent. Its ruins I will rebuild, and I will restore it,
that the rest of mankind may seek the Lord, even all the Gentiles who bear my name, says the Lord, who does these things-things known from long ago." Acts 15:16

While reading this verse this morning I thought of the time of life I have been going through. Some of you may know and some of you may not but I am going to be a Grandma. It is not coming the way I would have chosen and I am being challenged once again in how I walk this walk with Christ that I am on. I love my daughter deeply and my heart hurts for her. But I am finding that my heart hurts for me and I am learning just how full of pride I am and I hate it. You start out this walk and you want everything to go perfectly. You think that you will make all these good choices and that you will love your children and be there for them and God will honor it and it will all go well.

Of course, that is only what you think will happen. The truth is that you will love them so much it hurts but you also will make so many mistakes that you will wonder how God can honor your efforts. They will push your buttons and you will get angry with them and say the wrong things and then wonder how you will make it. But you still think that they will watch you love and serve God. You think that because you gave them boundaries and you gave them fun that it will be enough. You think that because they asked Jesus into their hearts at camp or church when they are young that it is enough. You think that because you prayed for them and with them and took them to church every time the door was open it will keep them from wandering and it will be enough.  But it isn't always. You can't make your children go the way you want them to and make the decisions you want them to and the time comes far too soon when you cannot even protect and discipline them.

My Melody has gone through a lot in her few years and she bears a few of lifes scars. She came to a point where she told me she wasn't sure where she was with God and it is in that uncertain place that she got into trouble. It is hard to watch your child struggle and I have prayed and fasted much this past year for my girl. Getting pregnant was and is a hard thing to walk through, for her and for our family. We are learning who we are as believers. I have to be honest. This, combined with some other stuff has made me question so much of my life. I have felt like a failure and also like I lost the favor of God. I have struggled with pride, always wanting my life to reflect my committment to God I have been sure that I have let God down and like I have let all of those around me down. Now, I know all of the right answers to that way of thinking. I have spoken them. But it is easier to speak truth than to walk through that truth.

We are walking through this together, as a family, as we should. We are learning our way through something most of us never thought would happen to us. I am ashamed at all of the things that I foolishly thought would only happen to other people. Pride again. Melody is doing better with God but she and I covet your prayers. It is not an easy road. I am feeling exhausted and sad instead of excitement and I know that Melody is uncertain and afraid of the road that lies ahead. I asked Melody if I could write this and she graciously allowed it. For whatever reason writing helps me make sense of my life and I could use some sense at this moment. Please pray for us when you think about us. Pray that God will give me wisdom as I speak to my daughter and walk through this. Pray that God will reveal Himself to Melody in a way that makes sense to her so that she will lean upon Him. Pray that  He will give us rest and peace and joy in the midst of this challenge. Pray that God will use this for His glory. Pray that God will bring life out of what the enemy thinks of as ruin. I am so thankful to serve the God that rebuilds that which is torn and repairs that which is broken.

A Trip to the Mall

By nature I am a glass half empty kind of person. I don't mean to be but for some reason I can find the dark cloud behind every silver lining. On Monday the office went on a field trip to the mall and it was very mind opening or expanding or whatever one should call it. I would have questioned whether one could learn much about the church or about walking with God from a simple trip to the mall but as often happens I would have been wrong. My glass half-empty mentality does not speak of faith nor does it draw people to God. Too often, on a Sunday morning I hide from people instead of welcoming them. On the very morning when I always get to have company at the house (house of God), I too often am moody, tired, or I just plain revert to my natural tendency to be an introvert. It is the morning when I most often feel the greatest sense of loss as well as shame. But I need to get past it because Jesus died and rose so I don't have to be bound by those feelings. I felt so challenged by that simple trip and went home and had a long talk with God about my attitude. Of course, then my computer at work crashed, catastrophically; not one of those minor crashes and I got caught up in some other stuff and down went my attitude. I feel like I have been challenged to walk by faith. I feel like I have been confronted with just how often I don't. I feel that little fear I sometimes get when I fear I won't ever get it right. Glass half-empty; that's me. I think I will try for glass only quarter-empty soon. And another trip to the mall, this time to actually shop!

A Year

This past year since Bill's passing and the one before it have been very instructional for me. Instructional in a most uncomfortable way. There is a part of me that wants to say that it is good to be stripped of everything you know and are comfortable with and be faced with who you are without all those props but I can't say that. What I can say is that I still believe that God is good and I am not. I am even more sure that I am not good and in fact much of my outside facade was based on the comfortable props I had all around me. At this moment I feel very much out of control and in that feeling I am learning how very much I did like control and did feel in control of my existence. I would have told you and argued that it wasn't true, that I relished God's control of my life but it isn't true. I find myself wanting to control the lives of those around me, fearful that they will make a mistake and I will have to go through more loss. A little bit crazy I know. I am just now learning the painful process of letting go and watching others make mistakes without needing to rush in and try and make things better or right. I am also learning just how full of pride I am. I don't want to have my failures paraded in front of me and yet lately it seems that all I see is failure. My heart has felt so broken this year as I have reflected on the past and gone through some trials in the present and I have felt very much vulnerable and on the edge and I hate it. While I used to relish writing and putting out my thoughts and so called wisdom I have struggled with it of late. And that is good. It is hard to have your life turned upside down. It is painful to go through loss and see the ones you love make mistakes that you know will have consequences that they cannot fathom. It is hard to look back and see just how arrogant and prideful my life has been and how greatly God is working to get my attention. It is hard to love deeply and have it ripped away. This week marks the first year of life without Bill and it has been one of the most difficult years of my life. I have felt a sense of things being ripped away unfinished and it is hard and more time will need to pass before that changes. Our family is being tested and challenged and I covet your prayers. I came home today feeling weary of life, tired of being "okay" and so needing the peace of God. We will be moving this next week and I am praying that along with a new address that I will have a fresh peace in my heart. All I desire is to be pleasing to God and bring glory to Him. Right now that is not coming easily but I am trusting in Him who said that He will finish what He has begun in my life. I am trusting that His righteousness and mercy covers all of my failures. I am believing in Him who still answers prayer. I know the God that I believe in and I know that He is good and His mercy endures forever.

All that Matters

He is a mystery. He can’t be figured out, labeled, picked apart or contained. He can’t be analyzed, dissected, picked apart or completely known. We will never fully understand Him, His ways or His decisions. He is God. Bigger than my thoughts. Greater than my understanding. While my life feels like a train wreck, completely out of control, I know that’s untrue, it is completely in His hands. But in those times where everything feels like it has fallen apart and I feel like I cannot breathe it is hard to remember how He holds it all. It is hard to know that at times the greatest of blessings come from the fiercest of trials. I am trusting for the blessing but I am still living in the present. Faith and hope are built on the future. They are the things we believe in the middle of the storm. They are what we cling to in the fire of the present while we await the joy of the future. I hate these times when joy does not come easily and my heart feels broken. But it is in these times I look back. I was lost, alone and lonely. Jesus found me, loved me and saved me. And He will do it for you. I guess that is all that really matters.