Friday, January 29, 2010

Almost Done

I am so thankful for these past three weeks. They have humbled me and shown me how far I have to go before I reach the mark God has for me. I went through a cycle over this time. The first week I began excited and ended feeling sick and achy. I would try and pray and feel like I wasn't getting anywhere. Week two I felt better physically and found myself no longer caring about food, at least not as much. That was the good news. The bad news is that I felt that every time I prayed it was a battle. I felt irritable and like I was fighting something. I was very unsure and the only way I could pray with any conviction is when I was praying that everyone elses prayers would be answered so that was my focus. I found myself avoiding God at some points in the week. It was a difficult space and I was glad when the week ended. This week my hunger came back. I am not sure if it was hunger or if I could feel the end was near and so thought about food too much. I felt more temptation this week. It seemed as is I was fighting a "what's the use" type of attitude. Since the fast started I have gone through a couple of personal disappointments and battling some personal demons. It has been hard; much harder than I expected. Not the food part, but the spiritual battle. I feel drained when I expected to feel energized. The good news of this week is that I dug in and prayed. I didn't always feel the presence of God but I pressed through. I turned off the TV for the most part and prayed and read. I needed God's word and I needed the words of a book I was lead to read. Together they helped me get back on track. Tonight I spent a wonderful time in prayer and then listened to a message over at the Mars Hill site. While the message was convicting it also pushed me to want to work harder and draw closer to God. I am still waiting for answers to the prayers I wrote down as my focus and I am hoping for some of those answers, but regardless God has been hard as work on me through this process. This is and has been a transforming experience and although I would not have said so last week, it is an experience I do want to repeat.

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