Friday, April 9, 2010

Talking to Myself

Last night I was having the strangest conversation with myself. I can always tell when I've had too quiet of a week by how much I talk to myself but that is another subject! It started with me telling myself that I wish drinking were a sin. I don't but I wish I did. I have seen far too many Christian alcoholics in my years. I went on however. I wish that butter, flour, shortening, pasta, heavy cream, cheese and except for small amounts for my tea, sugar were also sinful. Frankly, I am addicted. You may have noticed I did not put chocolate on the list. I think chocolate is good and I get sick when I eat too much of it. I also wish it were against some sort of law to be unkind and that lightening would strike when people tell lies. Not on them, of course, we would all be dead! I wish the computer were never invented. It astonishes me the evil that happens through it. I wish it were sinful to watch television, go to the movies, and be vulgar in music. I wish we could do away with sports and get rid of most school activities. I also, in this conversation, decided that disrespect and anger should also leave. I can't stand what people do to each other and to themselves, especially me. I hate that I get so distracted, by the televison, the computer, a ballgame. I hate that I set my standards so low instead of aiming for the mark God set for me. I hate that I too often worry more about the success of my church rather than the salvation of souls. I want a way to get rid of every distraction and every ugliness that I see. I want a world where children and adults aren't damaged and where I worship God all of the time. I long for heaven, yet live so far from it. I prayed and asked God to forgive all of the wasted time, to set my heart and affections on Him alone. I wanted to say it wouldn't happen again, but could not. I have not written much lately. My heart has been heavy and I want to walk in joy and confidence. Part of me was just kidding about the things I'd get rid of and some of it I was dead serious. I wish my distractions would just vanish instead of just having to deal with them. It would be easier if eating cake were akin to commiting murder. Maybe I could quit or maybe I am just fooling myself. I feel like I love God so much but I see how flawed this love of mine is. I am so glad for new mercies every morning. I am so glad I serve as flawed among the flawed. I am so thankful that God uses the weak because I fit that description. Amazing Grace.

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