Long Winter

It can be hard to write from a low place. I know my mom will worry if I struggle and I don't really want people to know it. I like saying that I am fine and revel in its acronym, Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional; fine. Not thinking I'm neurotic (overanxious) but the rest of them seem to fit. It is in this place I struggle to connect with God each day. It is both harder and easier. It is easier as I run to Him so often nowadays. I tell Him everything; all those things that you can't say to anyone else. Harder in that it feels like I am missing something; that I must have done something wrong because it feels like life is a bit of a trainwreck. I know and believe the Love of God but also struggle with the concept. It makes little sense but it is what it is. I am overcome with emotion on a daily basis right now which I hate. It is so often a lonely walk even when I am surrounded by people. I try to give myself permission to feel what I feel and to not be "fine" but am impatient with the process and frustrated. I am grateful for the prayers of so many of you. In some ways this past month has been one of the hardest. I know I need to let it be what it is but I do so long for spring. It has been a very long winter.