Forward

One of the reasons I write is to tell my story. I don't write because my thoughts are more profound than others. In fact I am quite sure that there are innumerable multitudes that write the same types of things that I do much much better. But there is something in the telling of my story that wants me to have a better story. It pushes me forward. One of the guys in our church preached His first sermon today. He did an amazing job and while I listened I thought about how that act will push Him to live a better story. When I was in my middle 30's I was asked to lead a Ladies Bible Study. I was quick to say I was too young, that the older women are to teach the younger women and promptly was told that I had crossed that bridge. Not fun. But the act of teaching that Bible Study did more to push me forward than anyting I had done for God before. There is something about both leadership and writing that make us want to be better,  to be used of God to make a difference. When I write it helps me make sense of the place I am at and what I am going through. When I teach I want to be sure I know what I am teaching, that I am ready to be taught, and that I am in a place where I can follow up with those I teach. For me it is all about serving God. But when I first started out it wasn't necessarily about that. It was about finally having friends, it was about being set free from sin, it was about not feeling alone. God was a part of that but I was just learning. While I was "all in" from the beginning I still did not get what that meant and had a long way to go and of course I still do. But God led me, patiently; He taught me, willingly; He loved me when I fumbled my way around. The one thing that was true at the beginning that is still true now is that my God holds the central place of my life and I have willingly exchanged my previous crummy life for the adventure of walking with Him. Some of you have not exchanged your life for His. Some of you are not pressing forward with your story. I urge you to take some time as you read this and go to God and give your all to Him. In every story of every person in the Bible who walked with God one thing is evident. Their lives forever changed when they met Him. And another thing, they pushed forward and had no regrets. I would not trade one day of my life since I met Christ for one of the days before and I have had some bad ones. There is nothing worse than being alone and lost. Now I have family and am set free.

Just a Note

Sometimes I fight writing the personal in my blog. It feels somehow wrong and right at the same time. Like so many I struggle with wanting to be seen. There is a part of me that wants to get the words right and make it all about me. At the same time I want to hide. I am afraid if I let out my feelings and thoughts I am only opening myself up to criticism. It is a bit of a contradiction; two thoughts -- both wrong. Because I love to write and feel compelled to do so I  hope that the bits of my story and thoughts along my way will encourage and help. Today I was in a mood. I managed to hide it fairly well at work but by the time I got home it overtook me and I had to apologize to my daughters for my shortness with them. As so often happens it is my family who gets the backlash when I am having a hard time. I feel restless much of the time. I hate being gone and I hate being at home. I don't know what to do and the only time I feel somewhat normal is when I am writing, praying, and when I get to help someone. I am trying way too hard to not think and feel. I am dreading the holidays and the winter. I find myself discouraged and impatient and do not like it. It has always seemed to me that if I were close to God I could skip those things but not so. Reading the book of Job again was an encouragement. Going through Jeremiah right now is also. Both are filled with the raw emotions of grief and discouragement. It seems what I know is this. Life is not easy. Loss is difficult. Being honest is challenging. Sometimes my life seems fragmented and my heart feels like giving up. It is then I turn to Jesus and He is always so very good to me.

Thoughts on a Sleepless Night

Sleep will not come. They say you shouldn't just lie in bed wide awake so here I am up, trying to quiet these thoughts that swirl through my head, trying to turn them into prayers, wanting in this moment to somehow force happy endings to people's misery. We live in a fallen world, a deeply fallen place and while it bears the beauty of its creator it also bears the mark of the enemy that holds it in his grip. I am so troubled tonight. Perhaps it is the weariness that comes after grief and difficulty. Perhaps it is seeing so much pain. I don't know. I want so badly to help us see how deeply we hurt our children, God's precious ones, (for they belong to Him) when we sin and refuse to forgive and refuse to say we are sorry and refuse to change until the other person does and refuse to put on the character of Christ which He has given us who do not deserve any of it. You might be thinking I had a bad night at youth group. I didn't. But I think a culmination of several difficult conversations this past week has put me perilously close to an edge I don't want to be on. I want to continue to believe God is going to transform us, that we are becoming less selfish and more like Him, that we are going to really repent and turn around and walk differently than we have been. I want to believe that we are going to truly see ourselves and then look to Christ. I want to believe in all of it. I do believe all of it. I believe in God's power and His work in our lives for I know He changed me. I believe in a mighty God. I am just not so sure I believe in His people.

Always With Us

I have felt a little overwhelmed lately. Busy at work and thinking about the holidays. I love how God meets me in my craziness. Wednesday I felt exhausted after work and knew that I needed to be fresh for Life Trek. I was trying to finish up too many things at once and had stared at a computer way toooo long. I needed to be refreshed.  Knowing I was going to be facing a room full of High School students when you are brain dead is so not a good idea. It seemed to me to be a good idea to lock myself in the prayer room for a little while and pray. I didn't spend a lot of time but God met me there in those moments and I came out feeling fresh, peaceful and ready. It was good but what was even better was knowing that we serve a God that meets our needs. At the end of the night I was exhausted and today I don't feel much better but for that space of time that I needed to be fresh God met me in that need. So often I ask Him for things that aren't actual needs. I want Him to take away this space of time that I just need to walk through. I want Him to make me feel less afraid and anxious. I want Him to answer questions when I just need to trust Him. I want Him to quit teaching me hard lessons and help me to just "get it." God is taking us through it all. He has not left us here alone. He is my Father, my husband and my dearest friend. He is so patient. I am so grateful. I love Him so very much.

Things that Hinder

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrews 12:1-2

I have been feeling weary lately, weary of feeling so upside down and out of my usual element. I am no longer a wife. My children have all grown up and so I do not feel much like a mother. Lately at work all I can see are my mistakes and there have been plenty. I have noticed that the older I get the more I forget. I used to just joke about it when it only happened once in awhile but now it has been happening with regularity. The more I worry about frustrating those who have to work with me the worse it gets. Sounds like a pity party doesn't it? A few blogs ago I talked about working on my inner narcissism that seems to have crept out into my life. Nicole tells me I am obsessed lately with the word narcissism and I think she is right.  I hate being self absorbed but can't seem to find my way out of it. Part of it is I feel out of my element. For so many years I spent my time mothering and being a wife. That is no longer the case and I am trying to plot out a new course and it is not easy. Lately it seems that I have known just the wrong thing to say to my kids, trying to mother them when they are adults. Not a good idea. I miss my husband. Early this morning I was watching something I had recorded and thought about how much Bill would have loved it and that wave that comes overtook me again. It is part of my life. I was reading in Hebrews this week how it is not just sin that hinders. Sin entangles and it certainly hinders but there are other things that hinder. I want to run the race God has given me until the very end and I can't do that if I am absorbed with what used to be and dwelling on how my life has changed and I don't like it. That hinders and it makes me weary and lose heart. I know it does because I feel it. I don't know the answer in entirety but I have made some changes this week. I am spending extra time in prayer and in the Word. I am reading more again instead of watching things that do not profit. It is all I know to do. I am sharing this because we all have things that hinder us that are a little hidden. They aren't as simple as the sin we easily see. The are hidden and need to be ferreted out and dealt with. Because they are not easily seen we must look for them. It is worth it because when we don't we become weary and we begin to lose heart. God needs our hearts to be fully engaged to accomplish His mission through us. He needs our energy to be His and not lost to sin and entanglements. Hopefully I will soon be through this entangled and hindered portion of life and feel much more useful.

Salvation

I have been thinking and praying much about the process of salvation this week. It does not seem as if there is much Biblical back up for much of what we use to lead people in the process. There is no sinners prayer or 4 step method or Romans Road in the Bible. What should the process look like today? As I was praying for the service today and asking God that question I had kind of an aha moment. I thought of that verse in Acts that states that "the Lord added to their number daily such as would be saved." It hit me. Jesus adds those who want to be saved. We often try to add people to church who do not wish to be saved. They may believe in God, not want to go to hell, even like the idea of belonging to a religion or giving space in their schedule to God but they do not want to be saved from this life and their sin. They do not want to be set free and given new purpose. They do not like the idea of God ruling over them. They do not want to be saved. When Jesus called the disciples He asked them to follow Him. Simply that. Of course He told them what that meant. For the rich young ruler it meant leaving his wealth and don't be too sure that isn't being asked of people today! For the Pharisees  he asked them to give up their religion. To the woman at the well He said, "Go, and sin no more." A tall order if you ask me. While it was simple it was not easy, while it is worth everything it can seem costly. Today Jesus asks the very same things of us, Follow. Give. Go. Leave your life of sin. Be a soldier. Do not be entangled in this life. Be content. He is enough. Jesus is adding to the church those who would be saved. We do need to keep it simple. But we also need to make sure it is well understood what salvation is, its true cost and the incredible joy and blessing that accompany it. Just my thoughts on this day.

Justice

I was thinking about justice this week. I thought about how I don't really understand the meaning of it and how apart from God none of us do. It does not seem just that people die from lack of clean water. It does not feel just that, as believers we rail against the gay agenda, single moms on welfare, and other societal ills and forget that these lost ones are God's children that we are called to love. It does not feel just that we inflict the fallout of our sins on our families, friends, and churches. It does not feel just that we often throw the first stone. There is a God who loves us so very much that He sent His beloved Son to die for us. Because of that love I am free, free to make sure that no one I know suffers the consequences of sin without learning the way out. Free to cover the sins of others with mercy and love them in the mess they are in. Free to invest in the poor of this world instead of heaping possessions to ourselves. Free to live and know and love the God who declared that "Mercy always triumphs over judgment." I know we live under intense pressure and it is easy to feel like the psalmist Asaph in Psalm 73 whose "feet almost slipped" when he saw how easy sinners seem to have it. After thinking about it he remembered, "my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.  Those who are far from you will perish; you destroy all who are unfaithful to you. But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;" We have the Lord. We are of all men most blessed. Our weeping endures for a short space only. If we do not remember our purpose that will not be true of our friends and loved ones. It will not be true of the world's lost and poor if we do not intentionally remember. We are here for a purpose. We exist for a reason. Until that last day He has showed us what is good, and what the Lord requires of us. "We are to do justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with God." We are not to rail against things that are not fair, or to demand rights that we cannot control. We are to trust that the God who loves us will walk with us through this world. We are to trust that His plan and work is greater than any pleasure that this world can give us. We are to grow in our knowledge of Him who is truly Just and absolute Mercy.